What Do You Accept?

I found this here and it really spoke to me. Not that it's saying just how I feel, but there is some truth that resonates. That the mind and heart are two mightily opposing forces, neither or which are to be reckoned with, at least not on a continual basis.  

Games of Self Respect

(I wish I knew music... cause in my mind this was a song)

There was passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

Kiss me hard, strong and true

it could’ve been forever

but more than love got in our way

my hand was not the only thing

you needed to hold

But there was passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

Kiss me harder, strong and true

I required more than that kiss

it thrilled but did not fulfill

devotion was found only in words

but your actions screamed

But oh was there passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

Kiss me hard, Kiss me strong, Kiss me true

They’ll thought we’d work it out

find a way to see it through

as if a cat can change it’s coat

and hunt something new

Cause we had passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

Kiss me hard, strong and true

I told you how I wanted it

Gave you time to tell me too

I was sick of games of chance

I just wanted you.

A sure thing I did not find

at least not with you

your silence was the loudest of all

your answer was clear and loud

There once was passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

but now there’s no more kisses, we weren’t true

~they're on my side~

She Lay Forgotten

Even flowers flutter in the wind

their stalks bend to the power,

all in a trembling voice.

They shimmer in the sun

warm to the touch and hot to the hand

valued above others.

Here I lie alone

no body, nor son to warm me

his words lost in the silence

as admiration dwindles and falls.

Here she lay forgotten.

Sand cradled and embraced repeatedly

the waves transform each bit

as his charge overpowers,

alters the smallest of cares

generating that worth viewing

and beyond so, wooing

Yet here I lie alone

still no body, nor wave to lap me

the words falter through distance

their admiration dwindles and fails.

Here she lay forgotten.

Creatures sheltered from the elements

trees, ground and rock envelop them

life and health dependent.

Every fancy fulfilled

resulting in a lavish beauty

Cherished and protected.

And here I lay alone

no body, or words to warm me

as the span greatens

the admiration subsides.

How long will she lay forgotten?

~But I tell you that even Solomon with his riches was not dressed as beautifully as one of these flowers [Matthew 6:29]~

You Shoulda

Sometimes we wait too long, then when we finally know for sure and we act on it, we're too late. Too late to say "I love you." To late to say "stay." Too late to beg forgiveness. To late to say "I care." To late to say "no" or too late to say "I do."
Whatever it is that you want to say, do, or request... don't miss your chance. Regret runs deep, through your heart, mind, soul and future. Don't let regret be your memory of me.

~I love~

Your Love Does Not Keep Me Afloat

Your words echo in my heart
they resonate in my mind.
The voices all scream out
and pull me to the past.

I need to escape the waves
continuously lapping my heart.
They pull me under
and the tide whips me around.

I search for the land
my lighthouse to guide me back-
pull me to safety
rescue me from these waters.

The dangers draw near
an attack from all sides
as I gasp for air
I can't help but smile.

Your affections misguide me
I require more than words.
You lack devotion
you have no anchor to hold me down.

I urge you to retain your love
await one who is free to accept.
For mine has been offered
and accepted without suppression.

More than I ever received from any of you.


~board the ship and sail away~

Just In Time?

It's taken many months, but I have finally purchased a brand new vehicle. My first! It has been a stressful experience as I'm indecisive in the easiest of situations. When it comes to making a decision that will cost me for 5 years, it's a wonder I ever reached a conclusion!
Yesterday, only minutes after verbally agreeing to the purchase, my old vehicle needed boosting. It took some time in the cold, but Boy got me home.
After 10+ cm of snow last night, I went to dig him out this morning to head to work. Once again he didn't start. As I already slept in, I had no time to boost him again. Thankfully my roommate handed me the keys to his truck and sent me out the door.

After work I signed the contract for my new vehicle.

Later at home my roommates and I went out to boost my Boy. We failed. It is a no go...
Tomorrow I am supposed to be driving in with the old and out with the new. Is this possible if the old can't drive?

~why must my Boy be so undependable?~

Sad Eyes and Confident Shadows

Confined in their minds
As one merely to pity
Sad eyes'n lonely hands

The younger prevails
In the trek to fidelity
As no one surmis'd

~someone, somewhere has faith~

Proceeding Words

I had another meeting today. That's when I do my best work. Following is one of my pieces from my 'productive' day.

 

Progress report

It’s never fully done

We’re always striving to prove, improve,

To learn and relearn

If we see it as the end, so it will be

The end mark instructs a stop.

Don’t stop, never stop.

Continue on the journey,

Never be content where you are

Take the time to enjoy the ride

But never stop riding. 

~be more than a being~

Reorder The Stars

Teardrops of pain trumped those of joy.
The inequity of this fate brings agony-
A heart of dreams wrenched from my being
completely unknowingly
While the world watches in ignorance.

To you my smile shines bright
The shimmer in my eyes only of love
for they've forgotten my future
and altered yours
And the world watches in ignorance.

Few know of my unabating grief
And even less can understand it
Empathy is not my intention
My desire is only a modification of the time line.


~I require a ride in the DeLorean~

3 + 1 = Us

I feel as if I can relate well to Jess from New Girl as of late. I have recently moved into a duplex with 3 boys. I say boys despite their ages (mid to late 20s). They have moments of brilliance, maturity, and compassion, but in reality, they are boys in men's bodies.
Life for boys consist of food (mostly fast or previously prepared) and the couch. What takes place on the couch involves food, or remotes and often blankets.
Other than the mountains of boxes piled in our rec room downstairs, I don't have any real complaints as of yet. It'll definitely be a learning experience for me... I'm not accustomed to living with boys (my brother doesn't count).

~You can run away from your problem, but you're just gonna find new ones that pop up~

In Order To Plan

I was at a meeting today- all day. It was productive.
Here is what I did...

Purpose is irrelevant
it exists only in your mind
Each mind survives in solitude
and believes alone

Success requires translation
for every head speaks contrarily
what is valid to one
becomes inconsequential to another

To learn to achieve
one must admit that 
understanding is a process-
a process never completed

Can one be content not knowing-
living in the darkness
never fully aglow
just chasing the distant light

of course I sat and wrote this in 10 minutes, so I'm sure some sort of edit is required. My feelings are, however, that

~meet me again~

Rollercoaster Ride

In August I resigned from my teaching position. It was nothing against the school, students, or staff. For the most part it was a very positive experience. However, it wasn't for me.
Quitting a for-sure job without having a back up was not easy. All summer I applied for positions (not that there were many to apply to) hoping and praying for something. But nothing came up.
I returned to Alberta at the end of August to move my stuff into storage, I had initially left my stuff in my house hoping something would come up and I could move it straight from one house to the next. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Instead it was a LONG 2 days of packing, driving, moving, squeezing, and cursing. But I finally got my stuff into [two] storage compartments in Edmonton.

I stuck around the area for a number of reasons. I wanted to visit my friends and Mason, I wanted to help Mason get settled into his classroom, and I wanted to be around for the slight chance I'd get an interview.

Despite Mason constantly telling to me to "be calm and patient, something is going to come up," I couldn't help but worry! Thanks to a friend of Mason's at school whom I had previously met, their principals interviewed me. It wasn't for any specific position, but they wanted to get to know me, and if a position DID come up, then they'd have someone to stick in it right away.

Well apparently I interview well, and made a good impression, for these two lovely ladies called the elementary schools in t ]he area and told them not to ignore my name and if they had a position open then to definitely meet with me.

A principal at one of the elementary schools called me (it was actually in response to a call I'd made to him when I first came to town for the initial interview) and said he didn't have any current positions, but would love to meet me and put a face to a name.
I met with him on Tuesday for a few minutes. He said there was nothing available, but there was a slim chance that a position would come up in the next few days due to numbers, and for me to keep an eye on the job postings.

Two days later (last night) he called me saying they'd decided to add another grade 4 class, would I be interested in coming in for an interview! So this morning I left Edmonton to make the 2 and a half hour drive back to the town for an interview.

At 6:30 tonight I was offered the job!

It truly astonishes me how quickly things can turn around!
Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with one of my grade partners. She will be giving me a tour and sharing some vital information. Monday I start, I get a few days to prep my room (which is currently being emptied) and on Wednesday or Thursday I get my munchkins.

It's all happening so fast! I have very little stuff here, school supplies as well as clothing (while mostly shoes...) and I have nowhere to live. These next few weeks are going to be hectic. I'm already overwhelmed and a touch emotional... Needless to say, Mason is excited for me to be here.


~Loops, dives, and big steps: all in a short amount of time~

Dirty Popsicle

It has never been my intention to seduce. They are not my type, nor I theirs. Our affair would be short and bitter (lacking much sweet). Not to mention, he'd not be happy.
It is him that is the catalyst for these non-seductions.

They never understood his affection toward me. What was I in their eyes but the quiet prig focused on controlling his thoughts and moves. This, however, was never the case. It was my diffidence that led them to this believe. This now is what I strive to mend.

As I declared earlier, seduction was never my goal. Instead I aspired to ignite an interest; to create a spark that defines me as more than the insipid ball and chain. Open your mind and see that I can be funny, sexy, wild, and spontaneous.

Beyond an open mind, I was not prepared for the ramifications of my actions.

~A strange and unprecedented desire to justify his feelings for me~

What Happens in Vegas...

Mason and I are off to Las Vegas for a few days in July. I've never been, and know nothing about it. It'll be an adventure to be sure. This will also be the first holiday I've gone on with a boyfriend. But Mason's not just a boyfriend.

~...We will soon know!~

Engulfing Storms

As the storm grows nearer, the headache worsens and excitement thrives. Though aching at times, such power engulfs me. The damage endured merits the rush. The banality of the truth is striking as I grow more aware of the pleasure exuding from the pain. To exchange a brief moment of discomfort for a lingering time of delight: their is no question.

You ask, then don't understand. To the world of pleasure seekers, they need neither ask, nor riposte. For a deep appreciation for desire persists, in truth it dominates beyond recognition. Begging for respite only to be left empty and unfulfilled. The final rumble of thunder steals away your last hope of climax.

~rain only makes you wet~

In Synch

We stand at the foot of the mountain
Hand in hand, eyes cast upward
Contemplating one and the same
Yet viewing from truly dissimilar positions.

I marvel at the drastic contrast
I fear the bearings where we'll converge:
How far must we trek before we unite;
How far until we balance?

We walk this path in tandem 
In step yet discrete
Our footsteps echo behind us
The shadows cast no light on our path.

~a predicament~

Held in Bed

Last night I had a dream that I had been kidnapped and held hostage. He held me hostage in a bed. I wasn’t tied (this wasn’t a kinky dream). He just told me to stay there, and he served me. He brought me drink and food when ere I needed it. I think he was trying to make me fall in love with him. He seemed to have known me (perhaps he was a stalker as well).

Occasionally he would allow others to enter the house, but they were not permitted any kind of weapon, and he had a gun on them the entire time.

A while later, after I’d been rescued and my kidnapper had been convicted, I was with a friend and we returned to the house where it happened. I thought I would be ok, but then someone came out. The man, though very handsome, looked just like the man that had held me against my will. I started to shake; I could barely breath. I turned away and fell to the ground. Apparently the incident really affected me.

They explained to me that this was that guy’s brother. They are nothing alike and he feels horrible for what his brother did to me.

Ok, I got over it. But then, for some reason, they brought me with them when they went to see his family. I didn’t have quite the breakdown that I had had earlier, but I was definitely not comfortable. The good brother explained to the family why I was uneasy. Apparently they didn’t know.

~Apparently, the warmer I am, the less I dream~

One of Life's Cruel Games

There will always be at least one or two students that drive you CRAZY. And that's not to say that you will necessarily dislike those students, but your patience with them maybe continuously on this ice. One of these students for me is Chiku. She cannot sit still, she does not stop talking, and you should never trust a word out of her mouth.

Well Chiku, entered the school in tears today. Her knee and elbows were cut open and bleeding as she'd tripped on a "big rock" and fell onto the stones. So I took her to the bathroom and helped clean her up.
Once she'd stopped crying, and she'd been bandaged she declared, "I don't think I'll be running on those rocks any time soon!" (for the record she can was running on them by the end of the day)
I told her that's a good idea, she probably shouldn't have been running on them to begin with.
She looked up at me and said in her matter-of-fact way, "but Miss Dahmer, I didn't want to be late. It makes you made and I don't like when you're mad."
Too bad she tends to forget this at all other times of the day. Oh well, it was cute.

Later today, I was at the library when this same girl rushes in. She stops, looks at me and yells "Miss Dahmer!" in a somewhat accusing voice, and attacks me with a hug. Apparently all my talk of "library voices" haven't sunk in. But no surprises there.

At least I know she'll still love me after I've pulled out all my hair.


~above all else, love; for love covers a multitude of sins~

Take Me, Inside The Words

We all retain- whether publicly or not- a venue of interest. A site, in the depths of our mind, where our thoughts and fantasies reside. There, exists a spring of unending whims. The purpose of this source differs from person to person. As does its authority.
For me, my mind, heart, and soul is refreshed within the confines of literature. Words that long preexist me, and so will prevail. Stories of love, passion, courage, and fear. Words webbed together in a genuine form of beauty. Artists whom I admire and envy above all else.
To be surrounded by so many worlds, characters, dreams, and desires does little but fuel me. Fuel me for life, love, and purpose. No matter the affair at hand, I draw my stimulus from these things.

And so, with a refuge such as this, is it unnatural to yearn for my own passion among the immortal? To somehow, if only in my insignificant form, join in on their pleasure for a short time. It is not to slight the masters that I hunger for this, but to honour them.

~words become meaningful when bound~

Turning On the Waterworks

I have never been one to shed a lot of tears. Other than books and movies, few things fazed me. Now don't take this the wrong way, I cried when my grandparents died, and when me father got sick. But that was the extent of it.

This all changed about a year ago. I can't give you an exact date, but I often associate it with the start of Mason's and my relationship. Now this sounds bad, and Mason hates that I make that link, for some reason though, it just made sense. It wasn't that he was mean to me, abused me, or in anyway attempted to make me cry. It would just happen.

Tonight, after a number of defiant weeping episodes, I may have finally come up with a basis for this [emotional] madness.


When I read, or watch a movie, I get attached to the characters. There are times after a movie, that I find myself behaving like a character from it, reenacting certain scenes. And you saw from my early post how my books can take hold of my mind. It is for this reason that books and movies caused me to shed tears. To me, they weren't just a form of entertainment. I was invested in the characters, and their lives. So when one died, or had their heart broken, or some other dramatic event, I felt their pain as well.
I can be an extremely empathetic person.

Since Mason entered my life, my emotions seem to have gone haywire. Tonight, I think I have discovered the reason for this- emotional investment.
I've always been a guarded person, but he broke down my boundaries and has released the teary beast!

Thankfully, he is patient, and only teases me slightly for the seemingly pointless grounds for my tears.

~Kill the Beast! Kill the Beast!~

You Dream what You Read

The other night I had a dream. Someone I loved was being held hostage (I have no idea who this person is, so from now on I'll call him/her Blair). So, of course, I was in pursuit of them. I discovered that Blair was being held by at least two men.  While one was distracted, I sneaked in to make my rescue.
The man that was holding Blair was no man at all, but one of my students- Abbott. Of course in my dream I wasn't a teacher, and he was not an 8 year old boy. But nonetheless, it freaked me out.
So I crept up behind Abbott with the notion that I was going to cut his throat... I won't go in to the gory details as they still give me the hibby jibbies. But I will have to remember next time I'm cutting someone's throat in a dream, I should remember to sharpen the blade.


Here I am, 3 days later, still slightly unnerved by this dream. I mean, I know that the hostage situation, and murdering was influenced by my choice of entertainment that night (I was watching season 1 of 24, and read The Hunger Games). But from where did my student come from? Why was he the one that I had to kill?
Do I need to visit a psychologist? Or am I just so into The Hunger Games, that subconsciously I'm experiencing what I imagine Katniss to be facing in having to kill those she cares about.


~I woke from that dream crying~

Don't Just Watch Me

What must I do to get your attention. To what lengths must I go? It is not enough for a mere glance, or casual visit. I need more. I need interaction.
When I bare my soul to you, react. When I divulge my desires to you, don't merely smile and nod. Reciprocate with reason.
You come, you explore, then you're off, with no evidence of your stay.

Talk. Share. Depart on me your wisdom. For this is the point: the reason I commune.


~As I criticize you~

So They Say

They say a guy that treats you well, 
and the waitress poorly, 
is not a good guy. 

If you want to know how he is going to treat you in 10 or 20 years,

look at how he treats his mother. 

Of course there are always exceptions. 

But these are good rules of thumb. 

Be aware of how he treats others, as well as you. 

For more, I found this site. 

~Don't let your love be blind~

Shhhhh!

and you'll say
don't you worry your pretty little mind
people throw rocks at things that shine
and life makes love look hard
the stakes are high the water's rough
but this love is ours...

Falling fast from our high
the struggles and pain
can make it hard to try

I fear a demise
on our current path
beneath these stormy skies

A silent plea
barely reaches your ears
I know not it I want you to see

It was once proclaimed
"All You Need is Love"
but can that love be sustained


~I'm a Kayak here me roar~

On My Lips

A song which I understand. The message and the reason is clear. 

It makes me smile.

It makes me dance. 

It gives me shivers. 

~Just Like You~