In Order To Plan

I was at a meeting today- all day. It was productive.
Here is what I did...

Purpose is irrelevant
it exists only in your mind
Each mind survives in solitude
and believes alone

Success requires translation
for every head speaks contrarily
what is valid to one
becomes inconsequential to another

To learn to achieve
one must admit that 
understanding is a process-
a process never completed

Can one be content not knowing-
living in the darkness
never fully aglow
just chasing the distant light

of course I sat and wrote this in 10 minutes, so I'm sure some sort of edit is required. My feelings are, however, that

~meet me again~

"According to my Research"

I hope this isn't true, or I still have a long way to go. Though I doubt it is. In my opinion a lot of what scientists, or psychologist tell the public is just one possibility of what the "evidence" points to. It's all in how you interpret it. 

Plus, much of what our world views as love, is little more than a lust or obsession over someone... or even over a feeling. Our world sees love as a self-centered thing, what can it do for me. Love-true love-is selfless, and this in itself very un-like our world. 

~you had me at hello~

Pin It

I have recently fallen prey to Pinterest. If you have not heard of it- stand strong, don't go check it out. It's addicting! So many interesting ideas, recipes, pictures, quotes... the list goes on! I've joined only days ago, and already I've collected (or in the world of Pinterest "pinned") over 100 pictures and links.
In a way, it's like window shopping, except that there's no fear of falling into actual shopping because they don't have your credit card, and you don't have friends dragging you into stores. It's merely the opportunity to collect ideas of things you like, in nearly any interest or desires.
It is an ingenious way to lead unsuspecting internet users into hours of wasted time, with little more than pictures to show for your quest.

The worst part of all is it has tempted me to explore areas, and feed my fancy on topics I should not currently be concerned with. It has enveloped my mind and seeped into my dreams! Two nights ago Mason and I were wedding planning! Dreams are evil, evil things fed by Pinterest.

~be careful what you're looking for~

A Need to Move in Forward Motion

What began as an adventure has quickly spiralled into motionless realm. That which once encouraged anticipation, now generates vexation. Too many evenings of solitude tends to harden a person- occasionally to the point of desperation. 6 hours no longer seems too long for the touch of a hand that does not belong to a 6 year old. 

The seemingly positive news that only 5 moths remains drives me further to the edge, rather than hearten retreat. 

There is a reason, I just don't see it. And I struggle. 

~stop sending the message I don't want to get~

She's Back

A few months ago I mention a girl I am calling Kenadie, who was interested in Mason. I told Mason at the time that I was not comfortable with them talking- not that I don't trust him, it's her. Despite the fact that he was in a committed relationship, she continued to pursue him. Ummm excuse me bitch!

So now, here we are months later and things are going wonderfully and she has ceased to make an appearance in our day-to-day lives. Until last night.
Mason was going out with some friends, one of whom is friends with Kenadie, and so Kenadie was part of the group. Mason tells me this morning, that she was hitting on him all night.
Well, needless to say that rubbed me the wrong way!
Girl- he's cut off communication with you, he's still got a girlfriend, and he is showing you no interested. Get the hint and MOVE ON.

Mason seems to think I'm making a bigger deal of this than I should. That he's with me, is perfectly content, and there is nothing Kenadie, or any other girl can do to change that. I try to forget about it... but obviously, based on this post hours later... it continues to linger.
I am confused on what to do about it. I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him- cause I do. But I can't seem to explain to him in a way that he understands why this girl bugs me so much. Nor, does it seem that I can forget it.

~haunted by past transgressions~

Locked In

It has happened twice now in just over a week- as if the world is their's, they are free to roam and do as they wish.

The first time Misty and I saw it coming- well partially. Because of the nature of this certain individual, when we see him coming down the street, we tend to close the blinds, turn off the TV, and lock the doors (much to our guest's amusement). Generally, these actions are done in vain. This time, however, he did turn up our walkaway, and walked with purpose up our steps and in the front door- or at least he would have had we not just locked it moments before.

He tried to WALK into our house! Who does that!

Ok, some people do that, but those are the special people in your life that you trust and actually want in your house!

(there is, of course, a story which follows his attempted entry, but that is not the point of this anecdote)

Today, once again Misty and I were resting in our living room. Suddenly we heard footsteps coming up the front stairs. We were confused as Erin was napping, Kara was away for the weekend, and neither of us were expecting anyone.

We sat waiting for the knock. But it never came- instead the doorknob turned and the door rattled as the unknown visitor attempted to open our door! When he couldn't get in, he walked back down the stairs and along the sidewalk away from our house.

Upon recovering from the initial shock, I peered through the window to see who our almost-visitor was. I did not recognize the man. *shiver*

~not open for business~

I know what i'd like to be doing!

so, since lately i've been somewhat... preoccupied with my roommates, i will continue with one of my rants.

Jordyn has the tendency to place (completely unjustified) judgement on those around her. Due to the fact we live in the same house, and see a lot of each other, much of that judgement seems to fall upon Erin and me.

Whether it be "TV is bad for you, it'll rot your brain" (then she precedes to spend the entire day in front of the TV)

or "oh, you're watching the new The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, i only watch the old one"

And those are only a small taste of them.

On top of the judgement, she loves stupid questions.

One day, i had my hair tied back, work clothes on, rubber gloves up to my elbows and a bucket and cloth in my hand. i was bend over the shower, scrubbing, when Jordyn walks by and asks in her perfected condescending tone "what are you doing?"

In my mind flashed the words "what do you mean 'what am i doing?', what on earth does it look like i'm doing! i'm cleaning the bathroom you slob!"

Similarly, one evening as Jordyn lay sprawled out on the couch watching TV (maybe i should inform her that rots her brain), Erin came in and wiped down the coffee table.

Once again Jordyn asked in that same tone we all love "what are you doing?"

Now unfortunately i don't have the ability to read the minds of others, so i'm not entirely certain what went through Erin's mind at that moment. But i can imagine it was somewhat similar to my earlier thoughts.

~counting down the days 'till higher bills~

#%@*#&@

Angry bitter words flood my mind. Such heartless, indecent actions my heart and mind can not even begin to comprehend!

I tried to understand, i tried to talk... wanting to hear your side. but nothing. Silence filled our short time together and i left feeling more confused than before. 

And now... you spend many long minutes... nearly an hour pouring your heart out and trying to explain such actions to a spectator.

I see only cowardice and arrogance in such behaviour...

and no loss for me

~the real angry words i'll keep to myself~

Bowing to our Master

So guys complain because girls are difficult to please, mostly because we don't know what we want. And, you know, i can see some sense in that frustration. But really, who truly, one-hundred percent knows exactly what it is that they want... i bet few of you can honestly say you do.

As a girl, i feel that i too have a right to complain about what it is that guys say they want. 

First off, they like boobs. They always have and they probably always will (even if they won't admit it).

But not only do they want boobs (and usually large sized ones at that!) but they ALSO want a tiny waste, no access pounds on the arms, legs, thighs, hips, stomach... And they don't see this as being problematic or too much to handle for us...  Do they not know that boobs are basically FAT and that it's nearly impossible to shed the extra pounds from everywhere except that one place.

But no, it's not asking too much, i mean, it's not like girls do anything else important with their time... oh except becoming superb chefs so they can provide for "mr right" well: so that they can be pigs: enjoy food and put on as much weight as they want, while their girl's starve themselves so as to keep that perfect body they are searching for.

is there no logic... no JUSTICE?!

unfortunately we girls have been brainwashed by guys and the media... we cut back on wonderfully tasting food, spend hours at the gym, pay a fortune for liposuction and fake boobs... and all for what?! A guy that thinks he is 'all that and more,' who will use us until he he's got what he wants then toss us for the newest flavour of the week...

What happened to commitment? What happened to what's on the inside as being important? what happened to love?

~and so we will continue, until a new leader comes forth to lead us on, to a reformation~

What a Beautiful day for a Rant

As today is one of my favourite days of the year I have decided to allow it to inspire me...


As many of you are aware of, and often reminded of, I possess a great abhorrence towards a certain team- if you can call them that- or group of people.

Cheerleaders.


Now, I am no english scholar, but in analyzing this word I see that 'cheerleader' is a compound word which suggests [to me] someone who LEADS CHEERS (shocker, I know).

The dictionary defines a cheerleader as:
-a person who leads cheers and applause esp. at a sports event
-an enthusiastic and vocal supporter

Unfortunately (or is it?), according to all I've seen from cheerleaders, I would define them as:
-(for the most part) well proportioned girl, enthusiastic about dancing around in small amounts of clothing, in an evocative fashion.
(at least the enthusiasm is consistent)

Nowhere do I see 'cheering' or 'leaders'. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the only leading these girls do is the prompting of thoughts/fantasies to inappropriate meditations.

Of all the cheerleaders I have personally experienced, I have seen them do nothing but enthusiasm in the flaunting of their well proportioned body around in hope of attracting attention their way. Of course, when they position themselves in the centre of the playing area (whether it be a court, a field...), it is difficult to not pay them SOME attention, now whether this be attention affiliated with approval or distaste depends on the patron.

I believe that in order to be an effective cheerleader they are not to attract attention to themselves but to the team/activity they are cheering for. Which also suggests that they are to CHEER- throwing each other around between games do nothing to build up and support the team.

Though few they may be, there are exceptions to every rule.
And to all those I may have offended... call us even.

~find a way to shine without extinguishing other's~

Tis the Season

Now that it is December, the media has begun to impress upon the urgencies of completing our Christmas shopping. Radio stations, malls, movies, tv etc. have commenced the continual Christmas music, Seasonal Greetings and reminders of how many shopping days remain... dun dun dun

I went to the mall today and shopped for nearly 3 hours... but to no avail! It seems that our material-loving world is gaining nothing by its over produce of objects, and to top it all off, as the prices grow, the quality diminishes! Our world is becoming trash, and they are forcing us to pay extra for it!

Once in a while, however, you are fortunate to formulate a special gift idea in your mind... but once you begin making it happen you discover that there is a flaw in your plans... it is nearly impossible to create something wonderful out of a trash-world. Oh the irony...


~why change something that was already so good?~

Never Ending

A full days work- always up to something with no time for a break- yet at the end of the day it appears and feels as if nothing had been accomplished! Now I know that it feels like to be my mother. Before when I came home from school (in past years, not this one) I'd wonder what she had done all day, cause everything seemed to be just as we'd left it.
But you see, that's the problem, kids just 'leave' so much, that it is impossible for someone to keep up with it all. After nearly a week of being a stay-at-home-single-mom for my 3 younger siblings, I've discovered just how impudent children (no matter their age) can be!

Upon departing for school in the mornings they leave their dirty dishes from breakfast and their lunch from the day before on the counter! Once at school they realize they'd neglected to bring important books to school- they phone and expect you to drop all you are doing and abandon all your plans for the day in order to accommodate them immediately!
When they arrive home they head straight to the TV or computer and proceed to sit there until dinner is served. With not even a simple offer of assistance!

Kids these days expect far to much from others. The mere thought of them doing anything for themselves it heinous, for "working hard at school all day- they deserve a break"
There are, however, parts of the day I've come to thoroughly enjoy. One of those being my walks with the dog, twice a day for at least an hour! It keeps me in shape (though due to a recent plummet down the stairs those walks may be limited for the next few days)! My other favourite time of is shower time! Not only is it peaceful and I am completely on my own, but from in the shower I can not see all that still must be accomplished! (However that does not stop these thoughts from flooding my mind)

*thoughts of incessant tasks to be done shower down upon me, like the water from the faucet*

Stupid Albertan government

When i received my first semester transcript a few weeks ago, i noticed something i'd never seen before (but only heard of). It was typed in relatively small letters considering its grave importance and influence on my university experience and, ultimately, my future. It read "academic probation".
academic probation . . . me? But i'm an honour student, i've never failed a class before in my life, even though at time i've felt as though i would! How did this happen?!
Then i remember . . . Chemistry 30, that dreaded high school night course i have all but forced to attend twice a week since September in order to obtain one last university entrance course. I've had to take the bus to a campus, which is actually situated only 7 minutes away (in a car) but, on the bus, of course, it take nearly an hour! It's completely ridiculous and i can't help but loath the transit system here which causes at least 4 hours of my week to be wasted due to their inability to plan out appropriate bus routes.
Not only that, but, since i am not originally from Alberta i was unaware of their government exams required at the end of each high school class. They are worth 50% of your mark! That is a whole lot of information needed to be known, and for someone who was never very effective in the exam writing area, completely paralyzing!
I currently take great pride in my 70% average in that class, but knowing that in the next week i have one chapter test, one exam and one diploma to write in that class, i am aware of the danger and large possibility of failure.

Why is that the government here seems to work diligently in separating themselves from my, oh so favourable and more simple province. Do they take pride in screwing over innocent, vulnerable students who've taken refuge in their province? Cause if so, they have most definitely succeeded!


-down with your pompous laws, they drive me to extreme unbalanced mental activity-