Thanks for Noticing

When I was in the 6th grade, I was in a class with the grade 7s and 8s. I remember one time we put on this french cafe for the community (I think to raise money for a trip), so we were required to wear black pants and a white top.

I recall doing some set up one day, and 3 of the boys from grade 7 and 8 called me over. After blushing and making my way to them (I was seriously shy) they asked, "Lauren, are you anorexic?" Just what an already nervous, self-conscious girl wants to be asked by older (and popular) boys.

It was an understandable mistake, as a preteen (and even into my teens) my friends teased me for having no curves (literally) and I was relatively skinny. Plus the tight black pants didn't help my case.


And boys wonder why girls are self conscious about their bodies- it's not always because they have extra weight. The smallest, seemingly insignificant comment can  be remembered for years!
Of course, positive remarks (though often less common) can also be remembered and influential.


Today in class, I was passing a table of 3 boys, and I heard my name so I turned to look at them and found them looking at me. I blushed and turned, not knowing the exact topic of conversation, but being fairly certain of the topic.

Later, as I was preparing to go home, the same boy that said my name earlier, asked if I was going home to work out. I told him I might to pilates... He then proceeded with "Well good for you, cause while everyone else gained weight, you lost, and you look fantastic"
*blush*

Now maybe this is vain, or shallow (or both), but knowing that I look good, and it's noticeable, motivates me to work harder and look better.


~the seemingly simplest comments can have severe consequences~

sweeter with time

and so it goes, from nothing it spurts

a semblance of the once was blotting the pages.

i look back, and proceed forward

the fresh paths entice me

my smile widens.

life that was can stop there

so much more awaits

with time and opportunity for new

two hands grasp tight and take a chance

just wait!

memories survive only as lessons

and food for thought

as our journey wares on

side by side we strive for more

i want this.

wait, and live, and love

some dreams are meant to have

with time enough to ponder

and hold on to through twists and turns

and still endure.

hold tight long enough for it to matter

~a surprise path~

Breaking the Habit

you see it everywhere, girls always falling for the jerk, or the bad boy.

i'm as guilty of is as any of them. many "experts" have tried explaining or justifying this obsession, yet none have done so in a way that i can completely agree with. while i myself do not have the answer, i will not bow down to their ideologies by always reiterating their theories.

but that's just me.

a... boy i know, commented the other day about how he "doesn't understand why girls always go for the bad boys" and continued with "i guess it's true that the nice guy finishes last"

first off, if this is true, i don't think he has anything to worry about, because as much as he may believe it, i do not believe that he is one of these "good guys"

however, at the time it made me think along different lines.

is this fixation of mine going to continue forever? am i always going to fall for guys that aren't in it for the long run, but for the fleeting high. am i destined to be picking up they ever-dwindling pieces of my broken heart forever?

it's not a very promising future. but then it hit me...

girls [may] fall for jerks, but they fall in love with the nice guy

i said this to my acquaintance, i think he took it as a bit of inspiration for himself. what he didn't know is that ultimately, it was encouraging for me, and my pending future...

~there is a time for everyone to do some self-reflection~

a blind step

there is something thrilling and rejuvinating about acting out of your nature
of taking that step past where your previous record was set
throwing the stars out of line as those around you gasp in amazement
or confusion...
even for an instant they see a girl they did not previously know
and at that moment, while spinning out of control, you find direction
the smallest step can set you off course
and transform the original assumptions into meaning



~i plead insanity~

The New Girl

It was like elementary school all over again.

I walked into my 3rd class this afternoon only to find myself suddenly engrossed in the mayhem of chatter, laughter, and post-christmas break reunions. Hugs, hand shakes, slaps on the back, everywhere i turned i was reminded of my encroachment into unfamiliar land and my ultimate alienation.

I tried to squeeze through the gleeful people, without bringing much attention to myself, and seat myself inconspicuously separate from the others, but not in a way that my distance would be noticeable.

As i sat down i raised my eyes and one of the boys in the center of the excitement caught my eyes and mouthed a quick welcome, i smiled and quickly returned my eyes to the ground as i took a seat.

I did not stay remote for long, as a boy i was vaguely familiar with, came and took a seat next to me. His friendly chatter helped to calm some of my nerves, which i was thankful for.

But the reduced heart beat did not last long as the professor called as all to the stage to sit in a circle (it was a drama class).

I sat between the boy who had provided me with my initial welcome and the boy who had come to talk to me. Suddenly three new hands were thrust toward me as three overly-eager boys introduced themselves to me.

After the professors introductory spiel, we were told to get into partners. I was instantly 'dibs-ed' and a second later asked from the other side.

What a feeling, to be more than just a face in the crowd, another girl. Instead being something new, mysterious and - dare i say it - interesting! (at least for a short time)

After years of being like everyone else (with a few exceptions which never lasted long anyway), it felt almost special (weaved together characteristically with fear)

If nothing else, it was nice to feel wanted, even for a short time

~something special~

from spit to chocolate- just hold on

through the pains and turmoil of rejection, abuse, and prejudices he held strong. While the others worked so hard to push him away, he stood tall against their abuse.

and it paid off.

the ugly duckling, whom i spoke of earlier on in the summer, i am happy to report, now seems to be the head of the pack, or i guess i should say the flock...

when they go swimming, guess who's the leader. when it's time to move to a new patch of grass, the first to take a step in the desired direction is none other then mr ugly himself!

it's funny how quickly and drastically some things can change. One day you are merely a discarded cigarette-butt that has been stomped into the pavement, forgotten and spat upon, and the next you are a goddess and everwhere you turn there is somebody new handing you free chocolate!

so to all those used and abused cigarette-butts out there, just think of our dear ugly duckling and remember what he had to endure before reaching his goal.

the persistent bugger

the white bird just doesn't seem to get the message. when the clan goes for a swim, he's left behind as the other birds nearly have a heart attack to keep ahead of him. during eating time, he'll try and join the others, and he's either chased away or everyone else moves.

i have respect for his persistence and devotion to creatures who seem to show no interest in him, well besides a strong sense of loathing. it's kinda sad though, to see such honourable traits in a bird, while men [supposedly on the top of the food chain because of their superiority] can't even stay committed to something/someone long enough to call them back.

the idea of working hard for something and remaining devoted and committed no longer seems to exist in our world. rather then work hard to achieve something, people cheat or steal.

if they see something they want, they go for it, but never stick to it: it's great for one night, or a few hours, but as soon as something is required, or some sort of commitment is to be returned, the line goes dead and the idea is absentmindedly discarded.

~good things come to those who work for it~

Running Back to You

I haven't been myself these days

Trying to see through a deep blue haze

Wondering if my life will ever be the same

Even though the giving-in is easier than startin' over again

Don't expect to hear me call your name

I shout at the walls, hold my breath 'til I fall

But it won't get the better of me

I'll live with the pain until all that remains is the memory

That you used to be

Goin' nowhere fast, put my foot on the gas

Howlin' at the moon

But I won't come running on back to you

I bet you think I'm drinking too much

Spend every moment longing for your touch

That I'm in little bitty pieces on the floor

Well, I made up my mind this'll be the last time

And you held me to my word

The night you walked our future out that door

Don't ask me where we went wrong

You were weak, baby, now I must be strong...

I shout at the walls, hold my breath 'til I fall

But it won't get the better of me

I'll live with the pain until all that remains is the memory

Where you used to be

I won't back down when you come back around

No matter what you do

But I won't come running on back to you

No, It won't get the better of me

I'll live with the pain until all that remains is the memory

Where you used to be

Goin' nowhere fast with my foot on the gas

Howlin' at the moon

But I won't come running on back to you

~your power ends here~

How can a Loser ever Win

I want the world to know, especially a few particular members, that i am no longer the girl you can use and dispose-of as desired. A thoughtless compliment will get you nowhere. I will stand firm.

I will NOT be trampled on.

No matter who you may be, what our relationship may have been in the past, or what you've planned for it to be in the future. Easy will have no part in it.
As they've said before nothing truly cherished comes easy. Working hard is a part of life, and from this moment on, one i will conform to (as will you if you wish to gain ground).


~with me, hard will come easy~

Flip to a Blank Page

A new year brings about renewal. A chance to start again, make changes, learn from your mistakes.

Really, every day can be a chance for transformation, but it seems almost more powerful, more absolute when done at the birth of a New Year.

For Christmas, i received a few objects which seemed to be following a sort of theme: that of my confusions and uncertainties for the future, my continual failures regarding relationships, and the reshaping of ones life upon the realization that your initial goals, dreams, and desires are stupid and unrealistic.

So this year, as the sun rises offering new life and a second chance i've come to realize i must move on. Forget all which i once striven for and wake up from my dreams of ignorance and naiveté.

Open your eyes girl and face the real world. Out here things are not coated with chocolate, and people are not characters from the fairy tales.

So to all you out there who have also made resolutions for this near year... i wish all the best for you.


~and as for you: as far as i'm concerned you are just another picture to burn~