Suit yourself, Tie me up

Over time I have become aware of my tendency of attraction towards a certain type of guy. I do not aim for these specific characteristics to tempt me beyond all else. In fact, these qualities are ones I have been advised to "get over" as they lead to pain and heartache. But like an avalanche racing down the hill, desire is hard to control, and nearly impossible to deny.

But, change is in the air. Whether this be permanent or not my course has shifted, even just slightly. I wonder to where I now wander. I wonder to what I aspire.
I wonder, wander, and fear. Dream, desire, and aspire.

~cover all traces~

Even Still

my heart strings flutter

and race with intention

my face flushes

and burns with passion

my mind rushes 

with possibility and ideas.
my heart skipped a beat.

i'm hot and excited,

nervous and aroused.

to want, is not to need

but to live with purpose.

~wind me up, and let me go~

A Mind to Read

A mind would be worth reading, I presume, especially if they all operated in a similar style as mine. I don't intend to sound haughty, but I am often vastly entertained by all that takes place up there.
The conversations, yelling, attempts at logic, inside (literally) jokes- they're fascinating! From the way others speak, I believe that my thoughts and ideas are astonishingly unique!

However, I believe that the way people portray themselves to the outside world often does not coincide with their inner thoughts and actions-  it is not just me! I am not the only one with something to contribute here.

While it would be intimate beyond repair to open up my mind to someone, I humbly feel that it would be interesting, entertaining, and perhaps even educational to some degree!


~living in a world of few~

Lick n' Spit

I have my computer (yet to be named) set to tell me the time on the hour. It has a mock-robotic sound to it, and tends to echo through the room.
Erin hates this noise. She shudders, jumps and squirms each, and every time it resonates through the room. Normally when she is in the room, I laugh to myself, and mute it. My intentions to be a good roommate, and respectful of other's feelings, but still find pleasure in the small things.

Today, I paid for those simple pleasures.
I brought my laptop to class to assist me in remaining conscious (by working on lesson plans of course!).  At about 1 minute to 3 I took out my laptop in preparation of taking notes and beginning my lesson plans. Within a moment my computer rang-out- "it's 3 o'clock". And with that, 70 faces turned in my direction.

For those of you who aren't personally familiar with me, I rarely (if ever) enjoy being the centre of attention. So when these 140 eyes turned to me I blushed. I turned red enough to stop traffic, and my face was hot enough to heat my house.
Of course it didn't help when one of my fellow students (a rather cute one I might add) commented on it, and laughed- a lot!


~next time come closer and say that to me~

Ready for a Fight

The world and our culture is not concerned with true love like so many sources suggest. Sure our culture is obsessed with weddings, we have dating sites flooding the internet, and romantic comedies with all the biggest stars, but while they are feeding the romantic's heart, they are also filling the pockets of higher powers. They are exploiting our hearts for their gain. 

In the media and in hollywood we see love and relationships as disposable, on the grounds of dissatisfaction. Worth is placed not on commitment and perseverance, but on self-contenment. But can one ever be happy with something that is easy- something that required no sacrifice or fight? 

Portraying a love life of perfection rather than actuality fuels discontentment from our vulnerable -and rather naive- world.

~till death [of the honeymoon stage] do we part~

A Call-Out

You with the great heart
open and willing to share
persuade my folly.

You with the deep soul
where clear truth surely abounds
entice my misdeeds.

You with the pure motive
shaped not by our corrupt world
excite my lost heart.

You saved by His grace
set straight my wandering path
and take my numb hand.


~all others release me~

Sweet Success?

Erin and I went out last night with a mission- get a guy to buy us a drink. Never before have we had a stranger just buy us a drink and we thought this would be an acceptable goal for our evening. With just the two of us, no one would have to learn of our failures and rejection if we fell flat on our face and so only our pride and self-confidence would be bruised.

Upon arriving at our chosen destination, we stood by the bar to set out our strategy. While deep in discussion and leaning against one of the bars, two boys (men?) came to the bar on either side of us. They ordered drinks, and then began talking to each other over/through (they weren't that tall) us. Erin pulled me away from the bar sub-consciously in order to allow their conversation to be un-obstructed by our presence.

So we stepped away from the bar, continuing our conversation. The next thing we knew, one of these previously mentioned boys/men handed Erin a shot. We both looked at it, and then the boys/men with disbelief. Upon recovering, Erin asks, "what about one for my friend here" motioning to me. They smiled and told us it was coming.
Success?
Success! (though I fear success isn't nearly as sweet as it would be if we had to work for it...)

We stayed talking with these members of the male sex for a while longer, and in doing so received two more shots, each.
While they seemed nice enough, they weren't enough to keep us hanging around. Though we fervently thank them for the drinks and confidence boost, we wish them all the best in their future endeavours.

~we didn't even have to wear lingerie~

Alluring Shadows

Coerce me into the shadows
impel me away from the crowd.
manipulate me with your wiles.

Your hands, your lips, your breath
envelope and overwhelm me
as I gasp for air.

Hidden away from judging eyes
you want me, and I you
so take me- into the shadows.

Our secret ventures intrigue me
your eager lips arouse me
immerse me in delirious ardour.

~rough seduction~

Trading Spaces

Yesterday I discoursed about the perpetual habit of holding place upon the agonizing course. The fear and pain that accompany each failed attempt, but which never seems to be enough to end the cycle.

When crawling into bed last night, however, I realized that I have a slightly divergent habit (perhaps more detrimental than riding this unremitting train).

Me- rather than traveling from station to station and testing several locations, I tend to recurrently revert to an old, familiar stop. A stop that is not perfect- but comfortable. A location with faults, but manageable.
Though the time I spend at this stop is satisfying, I often feel as if there is something more. At times I look around and think all that is needed is a basic renovation. Other times I fear I may need a new location all together.

~a different kind of cycle~

Straight Out of My Mind (or Worse)

To subject one's self to such humiliation and near certain pain can only be defined as masochistic. Pigs to the slaughter, they flock to the source. The result is boasted and desired, but rarely met. Instead, after an interval of tears and recuperation, they return- a bit more broken, a bit more jaded, a bit more desperate- prepared this time for success.

Sense is lacking, hearts are hurting, and hormones raging. The desired is imagined but never met. Each failure sparks a hidden vigor, longing for success, praying this is the final endeavour.


I tumble down this slope head over heals. Blinded by the movement, disorientated by the crowd. In attempt to pick through the array, I experiment with the impossible, finding myself bewildered by the outcome. Sense is replaced with heart, reality by hormones.

~out of the fire and into the fire again, you make me want to forget and start all over~

If My Heart Had A Voice

There comes a time when you have to admit certain things- declare your baggage and open up your heart. The idea of it seems easy enough. You can rehearse in your head and with a friend. I have a tendency of writing it out (at least in point form, to make sure I have not forgotten any important details).
But when the time finally comes to share my hands get clammy, my arms are suddenly covered with goosebumps, and my stomach cramps. It is as if the very idea of opening myself up- making myself vulnerable- is horrendous, stupid, and wild.

I am told that over time, and with 'practice' such exertions become easier. Well it has been approximately 9 years that I have been working on these improvements and I have yet feel any sort of enhancement. And it most certainly is not more manageable. The very thought of still haunts my dreams as well as waking hours.

Is this really a practice that will enrich my life (and relationships)? When/if I begin to practice these actions more often, will I eventually feel as if I've accomplished something? Or will I always feel this way?


~I'm ok with faking it~

How Do I Say This

A girl can make as many claims as she wishes, the point of the matter is whether it is based on fact or fantasy. Strength and control is an image I wish to portray, at times that requires a twist of the truth with a dash of exaggeration. But the image prevails.

Claiming indifference restores face. To pine is to show weakness and arouses pity. Ergo I stand here unperturbed. Either option suits me...

There are times when I hesitate. But in this, I know my answer.

~got the Poker Face~