Memories Bring only Tears

My holidays are over, and I'm now home- if I can call such a place home.
It is windy, quiet, lonely. Home is suppose to be where my heart is, but my heart is anywhere but here. My heart is with the people I love, and the things I love doing. This place lacks all the essentials. Sure my stuff is here, and my life (if you can call it that) is here, but I struggle to find joy in this windy, snowless, desolate place.
Rather than living, I feel like I'm stuck on pause. For a slight moment I was in play but it was quick-barely a blink. And now I've been returned to this painful, emotionally deprived state.
I long for a change, yet the time is constantly prolonged.

~Living on a Prayer~

Slowly Going Crazy

After over a month apart, we will be reunited. Then for our adventure! You, me, my family, and my home town. All my favourite- crazy things -all wrapped into one. But the time is going so slow! I know it's less then a week away, but last week felt like a month. So what are these next 4 days going to feel like? And of course, once we're together, time will move at warp speed, and our 2 weeks together will be over in a blink.
It's just not fair.

COUNTDOWN CLOCKS

Too Far Too Long

I haven't had internet for over a month... Now here it is. Yet it does not fulfil, only a further reminder of what I do not have.
I'm also missing 7th Heaven... when I had it to watch, it almost felt like I had a family to come home too- almost.

I'm pathetic. And lonely. And wishing I were in your arms.

~wrapped up tight~

Talk About a Sick World

Yesterday we took a trip to the city. Our main purpose was to go see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 but we also dropped my sister's boyfriend off at the airport. Unfortunately that's not all we saw.

Our first scaring experience of the trip was on the highway. I was lying in the back of the vehicle with my foot elevated and earphones on. I noticed we were slowing down, simultaneously the songs were switching and I heard my sister say "what is going on?"
This caught my attention and I looked up. There was a line of about 12 vehicles stopped in front of us. I casually glanced over the vehicles looking for nothing in particular. I found something very distinct, however. There, beside the car straight in front of us, was a woman crouching beside her vehicle with a man standing next to her. Not too sure what she was doing, we looked closer. We very soon regretted that, for this rather large lady was crouching, with her pants around her ankles, in order to relieve herself, leaving her corpulent, white ass pointing directly at us! Thankfully the man opened the back passenger door to attempt to hide her.
When she was done, she got back in the car and it drove away, leaving the previously mentioned man behind. This did not seem to bother the man as he went on walking from vehicle to vehicle... for what reason we know not.

Later that evening, with this painful experience still sharp in our minds, my sister and I began our return drive. On the outskirts of the city, on the divided highway, we noticed all the oncoming traffic had stopped. As we neared we saw that this delay was due to a immense flock of Canadian Geese crossing the road. Half of the Geese had already crossed and the other half were still in progress when a Jackass in a jacked-up truck left the road and drove on to the median. The pompous jerk paid no attention to propriety and nature drove around his fellow drivers and right into the crossing flock! One unfortunate bird got stuck on the underbelly of his ride and was dragged for several feet, at an unbearably fast speed, before it got free. It attempted to join his family but was unable to walk, and many of the birds came over to him.
The rest of the vehicles continued to wait.


Respect is a lost art. The world is under the perception that they are entitled to their own way with their own controls, and the rest of the world can "suck it".

~we witnessed two ugly asses in one day~

lesson learned

people can surprise you.

as much as i hate being judged due to reputation or hear-say, i admit i have been guilty of doing this myself from time to time.

Last night, for instance, i was guilty of this. I went into a situation thinking i knew exactly who he was, what would happen, and how i was going to feel.

instead, i was blown away.

i love being pleasantly surprised. discovering just how ignorant we can truly be.

in high school time was never given to sharing yourself, all that mattered was that you fit in somewhere. now, things have changed. some have come to truly value people- finding out other's stories, how they've grown, and changed since you last 'knew' them (though we can't ever claim to have known each other).

it's encouraging to see how life can change people for the good... for someone whom you previously deemed hopeless (not that i was in any state to lay such judgements), instead ends up being kind, sensitive, intelligent, insightful, funny... someone you are comfortable sitting and talking with into the wee hours of the morning. That even when calling it quits, you feel gypped by time. you whisper a curse to sleep and your need for it. you crave more and long for similar opportunities in the near future.

like a slap to the face, you caught my attention as few have done before. something new, unpredictable, and curiously charming.

~i look forward~

Home for Christmas

Well it is Christmas time... nearly 4 weeks off from school, what is there not to be excited about.
See . . . I thought that coming home would help me to forget the past few months: the pain, the disappointment, the anger, and the regrets. Take my mind off things that cannot be changed . . . but there are reminders everywhere i turn.
It's hard to just forget the past: and someone who has been a big part of it for over 3 years.
Pictures, memorabilia, letters . . . why?

We shared so much . . . i can't just forget it all.(can i?)

~i wish i was the destroying type~

Mom's Kitchen

The door opens to a chilly, disordered entrance; shoes of all shapes and sizes are sprawled across the floor and piled haphazardly beneath the bench, the stained mat askew below the chaos. Hallways branch to the left and right, but the end of the tunnel urges onward, away from the possible locations waiting in alternative directions. An enticingly warm brightness, a light worthy of a heavenly chorus invites you on, only to wrap you in a celestial aroma. Found here is the end of pain, suffering, sadness and hunger, for in the light, you are embraced into the renowned Mom’s Kitchen.

A tin, handpainted sign of red and turquoise displaying the words “Mom’s Diner: Open 24/7” is a welcoming sight. A long, rich, cedar table commands the eating area. With room enough for the family of six, (in addition to the ever constant and unpredictable flow of guests) the table is a promising scene. The ample amount of space and variety and quantity of homemade cooking and baking are constants. For their presence is the one thing never amiss in Mom’s Kitchen.

A favourite time is the anticipation of a holiday, Christmas being the most eventful of all. Beginning the first day of December, the white marble countertops become the atelier of a master, piled high with pans, bowls, spoons, and measuring instruments: the tools of a culinary artist. Dainties are on their way! The persistent spins and clatters of the first class Kitchen Chef Mixer soothe the mind and excite the stomach. The anticipation brought on from Mom’s brewing desserts recalls the footprints of each carefully tasted treat of the past. The flavour is suddenly fresh, as if it had only been moments since its presence on the tongue.

Hours pass, absorbed with diligent work, swift movements and enticing scents which emanate through the house. An outsider’s perspective would be of pure chaos, but Mom knows the exact and perfect placement of every ingredient. Each recipe, having been done countless times in the past, is second nature to her; recipe books are no longer required. The four young children anticipate the end with anxiety, ready to rise at any and all occasion to the task of taste-testing. Never have there been more willing subjects then for such a cause as this: the premature chance of savouring such delicacies entitles extreme boasting privileges.

The dainties, arranged on every available tray, plate and rack, are piled around the kitchen and line the counters and table. The chocolate coating is slowly setting on the Nanaimo bars and brownies; the icing on the sugar cookies is hardening to perfection, and the petite cakes are cooling to the ideal thickness; any sudden movement threatens to upset them.

The end is a celebrated occasion. At last the queen of chefs has a chance to unwind, take a seat and enjoy the work that has taken days to accomplish. The scents of sweets remain in the air and fallen crumbs are strewn under the table. Plates of chewy brownies, sugar cookies that melt in your mouth, chocolate drop cookies, thick, creamy fudge and Nanaimo bars sit on the table, free for all to sample at will; all other batches are stored for another day. The time when the treasure is once again presented before the people is a special one, one worthy only of the finest. And the finest is what they will receive.

Petal to the Metal

Part of having my drivers license and living at home is assisting in the chauffeuring of the younger siblings.

One particular evening, when i was complying to the practices of my household, i was driving my sister's non-boyfriend home. His home is situated in the country reached only by a number of long, back, dirt roads.
So off we went, the tunes turned up and voices loud.
We were heading down the last of these roads, rounding one of the final bends, when we met a car.
Now, it is a common tradition to drive down the middle of a dirt road. When we met this other car it just so happened that both of us were practicing the driving-in-the-center-of-the-dirt-road technique. Luckily we both swerved in time and carried on our way.
Once we had recovered from our near fatal experience, we noticed that the truck we passed was "The Salmon Truck".
The Salmon Truck is practically a celebrity in our family. Every time we pass it on the street someone yells out "the salmon truck!". It also happens to be my sister's non-boyfriend's truck.
"there goes my mom to pick me up" the non-boyfriend stated from the back seat.
"should we stop her?"
"i guess so"

and thence commenced our car chase.

We turned around as quickly as possible, but "The Salmon Truck" was already out of sight. So back around the twists and turns we raced, gaining speed incessantly. Finally "The Salmon Truck" came into view. Pressing down hard on to the gas, the space between us quickly closed. It was decided that the waving through the windshield, which we had been doing for the last couple of kilometers, was futile and so we switched to honking the horn.

We were getting close to town now and non-boyfriend's mother had still failed to notice us, despite our enthusiastic honking.
We finally reached the traffic lights marking the town boarders. We pulled into the left-hand turning lane and rolled down our window, she followed suit.
"we have him in the back" we called to her.
"oh" she looked into the back seat of our SUV, "i thought you'd drop him off at home"


~boy's will do anything for a car chase~

Home is to be familiar...

They have been calling for snow for days, yet still, here we are with minimal amounts and snow clouds slowly passing us by. How dismal.

I'm currently home, in the land of snow (ha, not this year), mouthwatering food and familiar strangers.

Which reminds me...
I took a short drive last night, to take a quick gander through the movie store, before choosing a movie for my Girls Night with my sisters. At the counter, where I was paying for the overpriced movie, a guy stood behind me. I turned to see him, but than turned back when I did not recognize him, but began talking to me and asking how I was doing and in a familiar tone, as if at some point in our past, we knew each other.
Even after my second take, nowhere in my mind was there a glimmer of familiarity about him. He was tall (well, taller than me), wearing an army jacket and a [black?] toque. He had a friendly round face and a fair complexion and I imagined he had blonde hair hidden beneath the toque. His age remains a controversial issue [in my mind], but I imagine he is within a two year radius of my own, whether that be older or younger.

*puzzled look*

It is a profoundly disturbing feeling for me to not recognize a face, I feel dreadful. I hope he did not notice the look of great uncertainty across my brow.

Perhaps I am going crazy...

~there truly was a whole in my laniard~

A Place to Call my Own

A room all to myself, with no one to kick me out.
A bathroom to myself, with hair that belongs only to me.
REAL food!
A vehicle that is not only available once in a while and will take me where it is I truly need to go!

A blessing in disguise?

I realized today that my time at home will be brief. Time to spend with friends and family quickly passes as my trip to Cuba nears. Today marks 12 days until my trip, however, due to the 3 days I will be spending at Winter Camp, my time at home lessens.
This doesn't bother me to any great extent, as I have discovered that those who once wanted to spend time with me (and I with them), have found bigger and better things. Things change, as do people, it is a part of living and growing. Sure it hurts, but I've found that by distancing yourself from people before reaching this point of breaking... helps to numb the pain.
Of course this proves to be a difficult task when it is someone you love.



Cuba will be an adventure, new people (other than my 16 extra family members), new sites and new experiences. It is times like these I feel as if i am destined to live the life of a gypsy, continual traveling with little contact with people other than the casual greeting. Would life be any better?

~'I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings'~

Return to the Wild

Leaving in about 20 minutes. Excited yet, kind of sad, but that will soon pass.

10 Things I'll miss about this place (in no specific order)

1. 4-wheeler adventures with mud and abandoned houses

2. Being close to family: hanging out with my siblings, home cooked meals, my father's sense of humour, mom's blonde moments (reminds me of where I come from!)

3. My own bathroom, bedroom, basement (privacy)

4. silent, starry nights, with no sirens, stabbings, traffic or crime (well, limited crime anyways)

5. small town life- seeing people you know everywhere you go

6. Wireless internet

7. A vehicle to drive to take me where I want to go, when I want to go

8. clean, good tasting water right from the tap

9. shelves, cupboards and chests full of movies and games

10. A few good friends you know you can call no matter what


-Rock on to Freedom!-

The Joys of Boys

This past week has been almost enjoyable. Ok, that's a lie, I've had fun.

One day I spent the afternoon with 7 boys- it was . . . almost educational! I learned what NOT to do when you've forgotten matches/lighter to start the barbecue (and that would be try to keep a cigar lit for the entire boat ride and then try to start a small grass fire which you then try to transfer to the barbecue, and in the mean time smoke a whole pack causing you to lose all taste in your mouth). We spent the afternoon eating burgers (because after the whole fiasco of trying to light the barbecue with no matches, someone remembered they did have some after all!), exploring the island and jumping off the cliffs into the water! SO much fun!!


I was also honoured with the company of my father on a small sailing excursion yesterday. The wind was . . . mediocre, but the sailing superior! Though there were no real insightful conversations, the time I got to spend with him doing what he loved, was priceless.


Last night, kind of against my will, I went to the fair. It scared the crap out of me- seeing all the young punks- knowing that one day that generation will be responsible for our country, and ultimately our world.
While the fair was nothing special, just as dirty and expensive as past years, the time I spent with a few friends was momentous.
The part that was of most unforgettable was the ride home afterwards. It began with one of the guys sticking a stuffed whale out the window while singing his own version of "Under the Sea" to the pedestrians we passed.
Suddenly, he lost his hat out the window! The driver made a U-turn as soon as possible and returned to retrieve it. However, the hat was on the opposite side of the road and there was traffic behind us. So we drove further until we were able to make yet another U-turn, this time we were fortunate to have no cars behind us. When we arrived to the spot where we had last seen the hat, it had disappeared. We began inspecting the pedestrians to see if they had claimed it for themselves. Ahead we saw two girls, and just as we were nearing them they tossed a-hat-like object into the ditch!
We pulled over and began searching the ditch- garnished with rocks, water and tall grass- for a grey hat (it might as well of been camouflage). Due to the time of day (nearly 1 am) it was proving to be an extremely difficult task.
Soon, another vehicle began aiding in our search. While they had a flashlight, the search still ended to no avail.
The three of us, now cold, wet and perturbed, returned to the car for our long ride home.



While my time home as been pleasant (except for a few awkward situations), I am more then ready to be returning to school! There are a number of people here that I will miss terribly, and others that I would not care if I ever see again.

To all those heading off to school for their first time this year the best of luck, and watch out for the freshman fifteen! For those returning to high school or university/college, I hope that this year is better then last!
And to my old roommate . . . I MISS YOU!!!!

-the simplicity of boys makes me confused as to why they are so difficult to understand-

One Week Left

A quick hello to the world of bloggers!

My summer is continuing down the path of success and enjoyment.
The number of times I have unwilling gone swimming has long past broke any record of previous years. I have begun to wear strictly darker shirts just in case . . .

So as for scary and absurd news: last week I was named camp nurse! It was only for the first two days, but it was still frightening for me, as well as my mother who was told by a permanent staff member half way through the week. But it turns out the only requirements to be a camp nurse is first aid and 18 years of age or older. And I meet both of those stipulations. And so, there I was, camp nurse, dealing with 'injured' children between the ages of seven to 11 and whiny staff members!
This coming week (my final week at camp *tear*) is all girls week . . . and so far there is no willing personal to take on the position as camp nurse (big surprise?) and so, once again I may be given the honour! Yippee!

So, tonight -in only a few hours actually- the 27 summer staff still remaining at camp, will be coming over for dinner! I'm excited! . . . I love my home and my family and my mummy's cooking, and for the camp staff, whom I have come to love as well, to get to share that with me, is exciting!

I will be returning home in just one week . . . i'm not too thrilled about that. I am going to miss these people who have all become like family to me . . . it is a pity that just as we are all getting so close and now we must leave each other.

Must be off they are here!

A Mind in Far Off Places

11 extra people in my home is a lot. It is nearly two times as many as normal- unless you count what the normal has been the past 8 months while I was away at school, than it would be more than two times the usual number. But in over 30 degree weather, it is definitely not your most prominent desire.

On top of the weather issue there are extreme amounts of mosquitoes infringing upon our canasta games and cake eating! The nerve of them! Thankfully my uncle and father are skilled in the art of insect elimination! Though we are certain that they did not all enter our home through the momentarily opened doors- they must have discovered an alternative route! Not only were the numbers severe, but they were constant!


In two months and 12 days I will no longer be the girl who has never attended a concert! Instead I will be the girl who, in the past two months had attended two concerts!!!!!
Yippee!


Conversations about proposing and life as a married person really makes you reflect, both on your present situation and future ones. I have a friend, only a year older then me, who will be getting married in less then two weeks! At this news my own thoughts wander to the possibility of that being me, and I speculate on whether I am mature enough to be in the same circumstances . . . A big "NO" sign seems to flash in my mind. Not a surprise I suppose.


And for all those other toothbrush lovers out there- have you ever tried the toothbrushes with the rubber Brussels!? If not I HIGHLY recommend them. They bring a whole new meaning to "squeaky clean"!


-contemplating life after teenage-hood and cringing-

My Purple Plate

On Friday I departed on an unknown journey- a journey into the deep wild where the bears and the fish play! (oh boy, I started singing "Home home on the range, where the dear and the antelope play") Our guide was a friend of mine, who claimed camping was just what we all needed. So a few of us (her and I not included) booked off work, packed food and gear and voyaged through back roads to where a camper was set up waiting for us.

However it took us longer to reach or final destination then planned due to a few troubles with meeting time and the canoe which was not so expertly tied atop the truck.
(see the puzzled boys below)



While that vehicle worked away at the canoe dilemma, my vehicle worked away at a tasty treat! And not only did we get to suck away at blue suckers, but we were also able to listen to a larger variety of expertly chosen music. (we were blessed to have the iPod Queen with us!)

Upon arriving at the previously chosen site, with only minor difficulties, we (being the girls, seeing as the boys had found other ways to occupy themselves) proceeded to set up the tent. Seeing as I was dubbed the photographer I was not involved with the erection of the tent, though the process would have gone much more smoothly if I had stepped in . . .

















(and here you see what the boys found to be more gratifying then aiding us with our assembly) There plan was to dig a tunnel right to the door of the tent.















But don't worry- I showed them who was boss!













It was going well though . . . Of course there ended up being some more adventures, including food mishaps

Though what to you expect when you appoint me to bring a meal . . . There is nothing wrong with alphagetti!

All in all, it was a success. I learned that you don't always need to be paying attention in order to catch a fish, wrenches ARE helpful- no matter what others may say, and you need power in order to turn on the lights . . .









*And don't forget to . . . quit while you are ahead*

Never Ending

A full days work- always up to something with no time for a break- yet at the end of the day it appears and feels as if nothing had been accomplished! Now I know that it feels like to be my mother. Before when I came home from school (in past years, not this one) I'd wonder what she had done all day, cause everything seemed to be just as we'd left it.
But you see, that's the problem, kids just 'leave' so much, that it is impossible for someone to keep up with it all. After nearly a week of being a stay-at-home-single-mom for my 3 younger siblings, I've discovered just how impudent children (no matter their age) can be!

Upon departing for school in the mornings they leave their dirty dishes from breakfast and their lunch from the day before on the counter! Once at school they realize they'd neglected to bring important books to school- they phone and expect you to drop all you are doing and abandon all your plans for the day in order to accommodate them immediately!
When they arrive home they head straight to the TV or computer and proceed to sit there until dinner is served. With not even a simple offer of assistance!

Kids these days expect far to much from others. The mere thought of them doing anything for themselves it heinous, for "working hard at school all day- they deserve a break"
There are, however, parts of the day I've come to thoroughly enjoy. One of those being my walks with the dog, twice a day for at least an hour! It keeps me in shape (though due to a recent plummet down the stairs those walks may be limited for the next few days)! My other favourite time of is shower time! Not only is it peaceful and I am completely on my own, but from in the shower I can not see all that still must be accomplished! (However that does not stop these thoughts from flooding my mind)

*thoughts of incessant tasks to be done shower down upon me, like the water from the faucet*

Continual Twists and Turns in our Path

What is a holiday without an adventure?

First of all it is relaxing and second of all it is nonexistent in my families vacation files.

This holiday surpasses a number of the past 'adventure' we were able to experience. For the past 3-ish days my dad has been in and out of the hospital until he (finally) had surgery this afternoon.
The reason for this is most likely due to a torn retina or something along these lines. The cause of this is unknown but, as far as the doctors are able to tell, have nothing to do with his other medical difficulties he has been presented with these past few months. Thank God!

However, many of our travels and future plans have been put on hold. After his surgery he is not supposed to fly for at least 1 month. So, there goes mom and dads cruise they had planned on taking to celebrate their 25th anniversary (which will take place on 06/6/06 [so all these sudden difficulties should not of been a big surprise, jk]). As for the possibilities in which mom and dad are able to take in order to return home- they are limited.
Until he is released from the hospital and an alternative route to flying can be planned, I will be playing mom to my 3 younger siblings- Hurray! Though i feel this is a position I have been covering since the age of 7.

-could I set a record for the youngest mother ever? or how bout most immature?!-

Stars

Finally, after little sleep, less food and a substantial amount of sitting I have reached my final destination.
I was delighted to see that nearly my entire family was awake and anxiously awaiting my arrival. Though my brother had begged to be permitted to remain sleepless like the rest of the family, my mother objected. She knew his tendencies all too well, his lack of sleep would only add extra irritation to his actions, something no one wished to cope with the next day. Instead I was able to visit him well he sleptwalk later on that evening. The blank stare and unresponsiveness made our time together short, but extremely enjoyable. Sleep walkers can be exceptionally entertaining at times.

The atmosphere here is completely different than at school, which is not surprising. The 6 people present under this roof, with only a limited amount of visitors per day cannot compare to the ways of dorm. Though, as I sit here I wonder what are those voices that I can frequently hear in the back of my mind and then I realize: I can hear my thoughts! Such a foreign feeling, something I had nearly forgotten since my last time home. Those things which, while in dorm often kept me from this experiment now haunt my mind though. Not with feelings of loathing, but with a longing heart. No more
- constant laughter echoing from the rooms down the hall
- random calling from surrounding rooms
- knocking at the window
- blood curdling alarms from the absent minded girls
- singing from my only neighbour
- persistent humming of showers or toilets being flushed
- sirens and horns from the streets outside

It is almost erie!

Though there is a definite improvement here which is one I have been looking forward to for ages.

Stars

A dark sky shining with millions and billions of stars.
I wonder how I was ever able to survive with such a pathetic excuse for stars during my stay in the city.
I'm puzzled over how city folk are able to exist with such pitiful amounts of stars.
But perhaps, they know nothing better?! Could it be that they are unaware of the true appearance and magnificence of stars?
I think that it should be a requirement for all people to spend time away from the hustle and bustle of the city and to experience true beauty, silence and darkness.

-do you suppose they are equally ignorant of Northern Lights?-