Traditions

Every year, since i was about 6 or 7 years old, my family has gotten together with another family to make gingerbread houses.
Us 4 kids plus their 4 (all girls) can get pretty crazy around each other (especially with the influence of sugar!).

It has been a sort of un-spoken competition between the families to see who can get the most candy on the structure without making it look tacky . . . though when hundreds of candies are greedily pasted onto a not-so-big structure with cement-icing as paste, tackiness is inevitable.

Well, last night was that night of tradition.
With lots of food, and candy, the constant chatter and tossing of candy . . . the party never tiers.
This year, however, a vital part of our party was gone. It was a sad time and the Gingerbread Palace suffered in the candy department because of it.

My siblings banned my aid in the decorating. In the first 5 minutes i decorated a reindeer (later named Franklin Bernard) . . . and after that i was demoted to the sorting of candy. Of course, i excelled in my new task, and while my siblings decorated our palace i sorted the candies (into piles i want to eat and piles i must eat).


~my mommy likes my art work~

Home for Christmas

Well it is Christmas time... nearly 4 weeks off from school, what is there not to be excited about.
See . . . I thought that coming home would help me to forget the past few months: the pain, the disappointment, the anger, and the regrets. Take my mind off things that cannot be changed . . . but there are reminders everywhere i turn.
It's hard to just forget the past: and someone who has been a big part of it for over 3 years.
Pictures, memorabilia, letters . . . why?

We shared so much . . . i can't just forget it all.(can i?)

~i wish i was the destroying type~

A time to kill & A time to heal

I am not obsessed... i'm suffering from a sort of plague, or a haunting. It makes no difference what i may do, or where i may go: there is no escape. The constant jerking on my heart strings confine my memory to what i've been deprived. It had been placed arrogantly in front of me, enticing me onward, whispering for me to "grab it, take it, it's yours..."
but it lied.
And it is this memory that haunts me, day and night.
It is not out of obsession that my writing continues to reflect such anguish.
This is the healing process of a young, deceived girl, previously ignorant of the worlds cruelty, now slowly shedding the naive beliefs that once ruled her thoughts and actions.

~drugs can only aid to a certain extent~

Writing a Letter

To whom it may concern,

Scarred by your words
marked by your touch
no means of escape
no chance to ignore
like a part of me
you will not fade

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
[you] probably wouldn’t if [you] could . . .

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
-DC


There's a knife in my heart
where a promise use'ta be
not so long ago
words of assurance
replaced with disdain
with a face of fear and pain

There's a knife in my back
that may never heal
as memories bleed away
a fate cut short
by a second thought
of little and nothing to him


Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never

Never again will I kiss you
Never again will I want to
Never again will I love you
Never
-KC

like a slow killing poison
you paralyze my core
extinguishing from the inside out
nothing remains worthy to save
smothered to nothing i am

your white horse revealed
as an impostor like you
foul, fake, and a fraud
baring nothing of worth
yet i fell for it heart, soul and mind

Sometimes i wonder if things could be different. But wondering and 'ifs' get you nowhere. They are tools of taunting; the making of fools; throwing salt in a pulsating wound.
I hate what you did, no few words can describe, and they haunt me day and night. In my dreams i'm reminded, in the day i recall all that you once said. I took it to heart: a mindless deed i regret. With my heart, with my soul with all that i have, i ache with indescribable pain.


~don't judge a cake by its frosting~

Just Another Girl

Torn down by trust, not so easily gained
I’m just another girl
fallen for the lies of a boy

Broken and scarred, alone and forgotten,
I’m just another girl
used and abandoned

No trace of attendance, no need to recall
I’m just another girl
with erasable footprints


~thus is my fate~

Just Fiction

Luke and Lorelai met eight years ago. And since then, Luke has had a thing for Lorelai, which the entire town knew, but she remained completely oblivious to.

He watched her go from guy to guy: her running away for fear of commitment and ending it due to a certain lacking. No matter how hard she looked, the 'right one' seemed to remain far-too-well hidden. But Luke was always there for her when she was hurt and alone, offering comfort and even sometimes words of advice.

Finally, Luke made his move. And in doing so, Lorelai's eyes were opened: he captured the heart and entire being of Lorelai. He told her "Lorelai, this thing we're doing, i just want you to know, I am all in."

And so it seemed... things were going well, and it was very evident that Lorelai had fallen head-over-heals for the guy who had been right in front of her all along.

But all good things must come to an end. A problem came around, and Luke told Lorelai "I just need some time to figure things out." And so she backed off a bit, wanting so much to talk to him, but respecting his needs. Only days later, however, time was no longer what he needed. Instead, he informed her that he could no longer be in this relationship.

It had come out of left field: it had just been a small complication, something two people in a relationship should be able to overcome. But instead he decided it wasn't worth it.
Her heart broke.

Never before had Lorelai fallen apart over a boy. She disappeared into her house, where her friend later found her in bed, mourning the loss of someone she had believed to be 'the one'. She was devastated and ended up neglecting things that had once been important and even a priority in her life.

Now this would be a sad story if it ended here. But luckily for Luke and Lorelai, it didn't. (other's aren't as fortunate as them)

After a few weeks of Luke's foul mood and violent nature, he received a wake-up call from an unexpected source. He knew what he wanted, and he knew what he needed, and he no longer sat around pretending it was not true. He ran to Lorelai's door...
and they got to have their middle.


~some stories are meant to have a Happily Ever After~

Lights? Sirens? Action?

My house mate and i were sitting quietly in our living room this evening: she surfing the net (yet again) and i studying for my History final. Her phone started ringing somewhere in the distance of upstairs and being her distracted, practically-deaf self she didn't hear it, and then didn't run for it until it was too late.

When she got the phone and listened to the message left from a friend, it said "there is a creepy guy hanging out in front of your house, be safe!"

We looked at each other and she ran to lock our door, then we went to the window to see what we could see... there we found an ambulance, parked right in front of the house!! We called room mate number three to join in on the excitement/spying.

There was little to be seen. At least as far as we could tell.
One of the paramedics opened the passenger door, but then disappeared into an alleged side door on the opposite end of the ambulance, facing away from our curious eyes.
so, what did we do? grab our jackets and face the frigid Edmonton winter, of course! And all for the sake of some information...

but none was to be found.

~studying distracts from life~

Reality Uncensored

Wanting him is hard to get.
Loving him is hard to regret.
Losing him is hard to accept.
But with all the hurt I've felt,
Letting go is the most painful yet...


I was happy: happier than i had been in a long time. I felt wanted, needed, important... I, for the first time ever, had something i knew i wanted, something to work towards and planned to one day reach. I felt like i had a purpose.
I had never cared for someone else like that before, it felt so real yet, simultaneously, so far away and unattainable. It was everything people said it would be and more.


Nothing hurts more than realising he meant everything to you,
but you meant nothing to him.


He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds
ps.147:3


Now that it's done i want to move on, to heal, but i don't want to forget the happiness i once felt. I'm discovering that both, concurrently, are impossible. Move on, or remember girl... it's time to choose.


A heart is not a play thing,
A heart is not a toy,
But if you want it broken,
just give it to a boy.


It's hard though, when everything you do and everything you see somehow reminds you of him and times you shared or plans you had. It's like i need to erase my mind completely, to forget how much this meant to me, and how much i believed in it...


~you can't hold on forever~