I'm Not Ok (I Promise)

Today was supposed to be a day to celebrate, to be happy about. Reaching it all in one piece having not run away, but having grown closer.
A day to look forward to what was to come.

I ate your lies right out of the palm of your hand...

There was still so much left to be done, so much left to say. I'm sorry i left it for another day. I shoulda known there would only be so many 'other days' before the end.

dreams are shattered
trust terminated
a world of possibilities
forgotten
there's a whole in my heart
where i wanted you to be
Never
Never again


Falling in love is like falling off a building: it dosen’t hurt till the end.

~what about the Great wall of China~

Like a Fool

And to think that just a few weeks ago i was considering writing a persuasive essay where i would argue the advantages of falling in love. I must have lost my head, forgotten myself, drank something strong!
For the one that once brought me such joy, such warmth such hope has become the cause of all my pain


There Is No Good Reason
I Should Have To Be So Alone
I'm Smothered By This Emptiness
Lord I Wish I Was Made Of Stone
Like I Fool I Lent My Soul To Love
And It Paid Me Back In Change
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

A Heart That's Worn And Weathered
Would Know Better Than To Fight
But I Wore Mine Like A Weapon
Played Out Love Like A Crime
And It Wrung Me Out And Strung Me Out
And It Hung Years On My Face
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?

Now My Sense Of Humor Needs A Break
I See A Shadow In The Mirror
And She's Laughin' Through Her Tears
One More Smile's All I Can Fake

There Is A Wound Inside Me
And It's Bleeding Like A Flood
There's Times When I See A Light Ahead
Hope Is Not Enough
As Another Night Surrounds Me
And It Pounds Me Like A Wave
God Help Me
Am I The Only One Who's Ever Felt This Way?



~what happened to being your Princess?~

movin' on...

and do you know WHY it came out of left field?!
BECAUSE you told me i had nothing to WORRY ABOUT!

yet another reason to forget the trust thing


Ive sure enjoyed the rain
But Im looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain
When you lose the love you gave someone
I thought by now the time
Would take away these lonely tears
I hope youre doing fine all alone,
But where do I go from here cause

Without you Im not okay
And without you
Ive lost my way
My hearts stuck
In second place oh
Without you



~this is going to take a while~

I was diggin' on him but he wasn't on me

I took a chance like you said... and look where it got me.


I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
While you loved me


you said "have i ever given you a reason not to trust me..."
well, now you have


I'm out here on my own
Feeling lost and all alone
I'm mad that you were gone
All my friends are moving on

I'll miss you forever
I'll miss you always
Good bye is so hard
But I'll say it anyway
The silence after
this disaster
Can't keep my laughter from healing all my pain

Time stands still
Every time
You come to mind
Just like
It did that day
when you chose to walk away


i knew my gut knew more than you, that you were, after all, just a guy...


And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget


I guess i was just being unrealistic and naive; dreams and promises are never meant to come true, only to feed that short-lived happiness.


See me through, see me through
This aching heart has come so far
To be with, see me through
With angel eyes, just look inside
At all this love I never want to lose
See me through


I guess i was right... we weren't on the same page. And now i'll know what it's like for a fear to come true. (i'm never right... why did it have to be THIS time)



I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life


~i didn't want to lose you~

silence

And the line goes dead...


~they're only words~

With all other choices discarded from my mind I've chosen my cake.

Have you?

Good Bye Suicide

Ah, the extended weekend (aka fall break or Remembrance Day Long Weekend), put in place to relieve some stress and prevent students' suicidel tendencies. Great amounts of work are often piled upon students at this time, all to be accomplished promptly upon returning to school. but doesn't that defeat the purpose?!

As for me, my weekend was blissfully spent, far away from school and pending homework.


A visit to the Canadian Rockies with a special someone was perfected with the glorious coating of sticky, wet snow. We saw wildlife, slipped and slid across the roads, walked in the snow, visited a Chocolatory (is that what is was?), had a picnic in the truck and did donuts through the parking lot and on the side of the highway. Oh, and i mustn't forget the getting stuck in the ditch!
All in all, the mountains turned out to be a spectacular time.

A trip to the movie theatre opened my eyes to something, I look younger than i am!
Upon reaching the counter to pay for my ticket, i was ID-ed! Do I not look 18?! I was kinda shocked, and somewhat insulted. But after thinking about it, i realized that, in a way, it's what i want: to look younger than i am. Not 3 years younger, but i'll survive, and one day i'll be glad of it.


~the weekend's results: my continuing to live and as a younger looking person~

Mom's Kitchen

The door opens to a chilly, disordered entrance; shoes of all shapes and sizes are sprawled across the floor and piled haphazardly beneath the bench, the stained mat askew below the chaos. Hallways branch to the left and right, but the end of the tunnel urges onward, away from the possible locations waiting in alternative directions. An enticingly warm brightness, a light worthy of a heavenly chorus invites you on, only to wrap you in a celestial aroma. Found here is the end of pain, suffering, sadness and hunger, for in the light, you are embraced into the renowned Mom’s Kitchen.

A tin, handpainted sign of red and turquoise displaying the words “Mom’s Diner: Open 24/7” is a welcoming sight. A long, rich, cedar table commands the eating area. With room enough for the family of six, (in addition to the ever constant and unpredictable flow of guests) the table is a promising scene. The ample amount of space and variety and quantity of homemade cooking and baking are constants. For their presence is the one thing never amiss in Mom’s Kitchen.

A favourite time is the anticipation of a holiday, Christmas being the most eventful of all. Beginning the first day of December, the white marble countertops become the atelier of a master, piled high with pans, bowls, spoons, and measuring instruments: the tools of a culinary artist. Dainties are on their way! The persistent spins and clatters of the first class Kitchen Chef Mixer soothe the mind and excite the stomach. The anticipation brought on from Mom’s brewing desserts recalls the footprints of each carefully tasted treat of the past. The flavour is suddenly fresh, as if it had only been moments since its presence on the tongue.

Hours pass, absorbed with diligent work, swift movements and enticing scents which emanate through the house. An outsider’s perspective would be of pure chaos, but Mom knows the exact and perfect placement of every ingredient. Each recipe, having been done countless times in the past, is second nature to her; recipe books are no longer required. The four young children anticipate the end with anxiety, ready to rise at any and all occasion to the task of taste-testing. Never have there been more willing subjects then for such a cause as this: the premature chance of savouring such delicacies entitles extreme boasting privileges.

The dainties, arranged on every available tray, plate and rack, are piled around the kitchen and line the counters and table. The chocolate coating is slowly setting on the Nanaimo bars and brownies; the icing on the sugar cookies is hardening to perfection, and the petite cakes are cooling to the ideal thickness; any sudden movement threatens to upset them.

The end is a celebrated occasion. At last the queen of chefs has a chance to unwind, take a seat and enjoy the work that has taken days to accomplish. The scents of sweets remain in the air and fallen crumbs are strewn under the table. Plates of chewy brownies, sugar cookies that melt in your mouth, chocolate drop cookies, thick, creamy fudge and Nanaimo bars sit on the table, free for all to sample at will; all other batches are stored for another day. The time when the treasure is once again presented before the people is a special one, one worthy only of the finest. And the finest is what they will receive.