if not sleep, then what?

so there i was, lying in bed, trying to sleep. to get some much needed sleep after a hard busy day. but through the window the light shines. it illuminates my room in a way that makes it impossible to find peace and solace and fall into the rest and recuperation of a good night's sleep.

Yet the light shines in as if this is not a time that i should be sleeping. As if God has another plan for me rather than the one i've been assuming. (for isn't that what night is for... rest?)

i close my eyes and try to ignore the light, but on it shines, relentlessly disturbing my plan. I pull the blanket over my eyes, but to no avail (and i can't explain why).

Leave me be, let me alone. It's been a tough day, this is what i need. I know this is what i need.

... but do i really know?

How do i know this?

Only cause of how i feel and because of what the world (and parents...) has dictated to me for years and years.

But what does this world--tainted by sin, by evil, by a clouded vision--know of truth and genuine need?

So, instead of sleeping, i wrote this--in search of a light (or perhaps in this case, an extinguisher for the light).

My eyes grow heavy, and i feel i may have stumbled across something important. Something that will entice my thoughts for days. And perhaps even lead me down new roads...

But for now, it will leave me to rest, for the light fades, and sleep calls to me.

~time to re-think the thoughts of a sinner's ways~

the fork still lay beside

For a while now, something has been bugging me. And when i say i while i mean about 4 months and 22 days.

And that is this:

 Upon choosing that sweet, rich, perfectly chocolate piece of heavenly cake, (yours may not be chocolate.... but mine will) nowhere does it say that you must then, immediately following your selection, consume the cake.

Just keep it in front of you for a while. Look at it, and enjoy it. It's yours, so there is no urgency in going further at this point.

So don't rush. Enjoy. It's yours from now till the end of time.

~a small taste of heaven~

Scars are Beautiful...?

So i know i've been known to stereotype guys, i know it's unfair to some of you, but until you personally prove to me otherwise, this is how i'll see you. (though i've been known to be easily mislead)

I learned my lesson when the one person that had convinced me of my biased ways ended up being the one to VERIFY each of them! So i've had to return to my earlier ways of thinking.

I'm ok with it, as i see it as [almost] justified. And if you want, in return, you can stereotype me to your little hearts content.

It seems that grounds for such mentality can be found in a number of places though, one is through this previously mentioned guy, and another in an early 19th century writing by the famous poet, Lord Byron.

He knows from his own feelings and actions, of how the male race is, and he sees how unfair women's lots in life can be.

He writes in his masterpiece Don Juan:

Alas! the love of a women! it is known

To be a lovely and fearful thing;

For all of their upon that die is thrown,

And if 'tis lost, life hath no more to bring

To them but mockeries of the past alone,

And their revenge is as the tiger's spring,

Deadly, and quick, and crushing; yet, as real

Torture is theirs, what they inflict they feel.

They are right; for man, to man so oft unjust,

Is always so to women; one sole bond

Awaits them, treachery is all their trust;

Taught to conceal, their bursting hearts despond

Over their idol, till some wealthier lust

Buys them in marriage--and what rests beyond?

A thankless husband, next a faithless lover,

Then dressing, nursing, praying, and all's over.

Now this may be a bit extreme... but i see some truth in it. Men have a history of their love being fleeting and fickle. Think of one of the most famous lovers of all time: Romeo. First he was passionately in love with Rosaline, then suddenly he's madly in love with Juliet. Had they not rushed into marriage [and death] within the week he may have met someone new to fall wildly in love with!

Sure he's just a fictitious character, but isn't fiction supposed to be an idealized reality?!

Now don't get me wrong, there is still a flickering flame of hope deep down in my heart at the idea of a Romeo or, better yet, a Knight in Shining Armour. If or when he comes however, I won't be to quick to trust, love, or jump up along beside him on that strong steed. (and don't be sick, i mean the horse)

~i just want someone to care~

Presumed Activity

I've been tired these past few days... ok wait, tired doesn't do it justice... i've been exhausted, depleted to nothing, falling asleep in my bowl! It's not been pretty.

So last night, i got home at 8:30ish, and was ready to pass-out (of course spending 2 hours with energetic children is no help). I held out a bit longer though, i called home where i tried to carry on a conversation with my brother and parents... mother told me i failed and should have a drink of warm milk and head to bed.

And so, by 9:45 pm I had climbed the latter to my loft and laid my heavy head on that oh-so-inviting pillow. Within 14 minutes i had passed out (which is pretty dang impressive for me!).

I slept on in peaceful slumber... thankful for no school the following morning when "love love me do, you know i love you, so please... love me do -oooo" rang out, literally.

My phone was ringing somewhere beneath my pillow.

It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, then a few more to find my phone.

"hello" i said, or at least tried to say.

"where are you?!" it was my roommate, who was sitting in the room next to me.

Checking to make sure i was where i thought i was, i saw i was still in the bed i passed out and responded "in bed."

"Oh, sorry... go back to sleep then."

And we were done.

I returned to dream land (where i was a creeper!) and slept for another 10 hours.

The next morning i discovered that when she came home at 10:30 I was no where to be found (she's a horrible searcher since i was in my bed!) and so when i wasn't home by 11 ish, she called to send me to bed (knowing how tired i had been [thanks mom]).

Ironic, isn't it, that she called me away from sleep to put me to sleep...

So i guess what i've learned from this is i'm not believed to be a responsible person, willing to sacrifice the joys of the night for the benefit of my health.

~a dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep~

Is it too much to Ask?!

I was ready to choose the easy, thoughtless, joyless way... the one which i would pretend to enjoy, to be learning from, and eager about till i was with my most trusted advisors, where i would then rant and complain to an endless degree...

then *cur-plunk*

something new, something intriguing, something with potential and worth my time!

But in following this red dirt road it leads away from things i hold dear, things i look forward to, parts of life that are slowly slipping into the past and this could be my final chance to experience them. 

GAH! decisions, decisions, decisions... probably not huge life changing ones... but one can never be sure, until after the fact. and that's only in predicting what things MAY have been had i walked that other path...

I need flashing lights and neon signs!! small, seamingly non-existent nudges from indiscernible sources do nothing for me!

~ready to be rocked~

Bowing to our Master

So guys complain because girls are difficult to please, mostly because we don't know what we want. And, you know, i can see some sense in that frustration. But really, who truly, one-hundred percent knows exactly what it is that they want... i bet few of you can honestly say you do.

As a girl, i feel that i too have a right to complain about what it is that guys say they want. 

First off, they like boobs. They always have and they probably always will (even if they won't admit it).

But not only do they want boobs (and usually large sized ones at that!) but they ALSO want a tiny waste, no access pounds on the arms, legs, thighs, hips, stomach... And they don't see this as being problematic or too much to handle for us...  Do they not know that boobs are basically FAT and that it's nearly impossible to shed the extra pounds from everywhere except that one place.

But no, it's not asking too much, i mean, it's not like girls do anything else important with their time... oh except becoming superb chefs so they can provide for "mr right" well: so that they can be pigs: enjoy food and put on as much weight as they want, while their girl's starve themselves so as to keep that perfect body they are searching for.

is there no logic... no JUSTICE?!

unfortunately we girls have been brainwashed by guys and the media... we cut back on wonderfully tasting food, spend hours at the gym, pay a fortune for liposuction and fake boobs... and all for what?! A guy that thinks he is 'all that and more,' who will use us until he he's got what he wants then toss us for the newest flavour of the week...

What happened to commitment? What happened to what's on the inside as being important? what happened to love?

~and so we will continue, until a new leader comes forth to lead us on, to a reformation~

Emotional Exhaustion

Girls night. 

A time when emotions are anything but condemned; just let it all out: pretend his head is this cardboard box..., tear this apart like it's her pretty little face, scream at the top of your lungs and see if you can get those icicle to break, dance the dance of bliss... there are countless ways in which once can release their feelings with passion. And it is with the girls that it is most welcomed, accepted, and shared.

The other night more tears were shed between five girls than any male could possible dream of! These tears were shed, not for one of our own sorrows, but for the pain of a fictional character.

Now if you know anything about me, you'll know i feel a certain... connection... with fictional characters.  I don't just feel sorry for them, i feel their pain.

Pain can be released in a number of ways: screaming, writing, breaking things... crying.  And in a movie theatre, the action that best fits those circumstances is crying, unfortunately they do not have personalized tissue boxes along side the cup holder.  Next time i shall suggest these changes to the manager.

It's taken a few days, but i've been emotionally restored to health... Now with dried eyes i'm ready to move on to the next step... Irish boys!

~every time it rains, i get wet~

Aye! Another Sobriquet

It has been a habit of mine, along with friends, to give people (usually strangers), nicknames. Sometimes this nickname is derived from an inside joke, other times from a characteristic they possess which stood out to us as spectators, and there is also the names that have been derived from how/where/why we first saw or noticed this person of unusual intrigue...

For the most part, these fortunate souls are male (because what kind of females would we be if we wasted our precious time observing girls?!)

The most prominent unknown-contender (unknown at the time, that is) in our name game, probably the one that started it all off for me, was and is Nocab.

For over a year he was known, within a small group of friends, as Nocab, and only that. We found it became quite advantageous to us during our countless conversations concerning him, especially when foe lingered near by.

After a time, the dark, mysterious stranger of Nocab became a friend to some and more to others. But his initial title, our introduction of him into our world, will always remain, and never be forgotten.

Over time new players have been unknowingly enlisted upon our playing field. Enter Coffee Guy.

He's been a participant for over a year now, it was random, and he has proven to be an engaging topic over time, but distance and obscurity have always remained.

We aren't creepers or anything!

That is until my roommate decided to share Coffee Guy's story with a friend of ours who also happened to be an acquaintance of Coffee Guy. Now we live in fear of our existence being revealed, our cover being blown . . .

Uneasiness awaits around each corner and foreboding each Tuesday and Thursday classes...

~i shall name him as i please~

ode to a Robot

how silly the world of this and that.  how senseless those surreptitious times. no warnings; just a finger pointing in mockery.

half expecting a jeer of contempt to echo through the silences. 

cast aside those dreams. shut down that over-active imagination. to nowhere they lead you, and with nothing they pass you off.

a time will come when things will fall into place. but worry not your little head about them, for they will be nothing as imagined.

an iron rod strikes you down, just as fantasy was about to win out.

silly dreamer. reckless mind

discard all frivolous hopes. forget those feelings of euphoria.

you can't rush that which is to come. and desiring that which you cannot have offers nothing of value.

so depart from me world of musings. nothing more than a face in the crowd. eyes of wonder turn your gaze away from me, for such power has seduced me from reality.

oh, but a superior world exists among you. for reality is but the matrix i wish to avoid. your presence reigns beyond the chosen path. i crave our distorted life, even if it ceases to exist beyond my mind.

~i offer it all~