Rollercoaster Ride

In August I resigned from my teaching position. It was nothing against the school, students, or staff. For the most part it was a very positive experience. However, it wasn't for me.
Quitting a for-sure job without having a back up was not easy. All summer I applied for positions (not that there were many to apply to) hoping and praying for something. But nothing came up.
I returned to Alberta at the end of August to move my stuff into storage, I had initially left my stuff in my house hoping something would come up and I could move it straight from one house to the next. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Instead it was a LONG 2 days of packing, driving, moving, squeezing, and cursing. But I finally got my stuff into [two] storage compartments in Edmonton.

I stuck around the area for a number of reasons. I wanted to visit my friends and Mason, I wanted to help Mason get settled into his classroom, and I wanted to be around for the slight chance I'd get an interview.

Despite Mason constantly telling to me to "be calm and patient, something is going to come up," I couldn't help but worry! Thanks to a friend of Mason's at school whom I had previously met, their principals interviewed me. It wasn't for any specific position, but they wanted to get to know me, and if a position DID come up, then they'd have someone to stick in it right away.

Well apparently I interview well, and made a good impression, for these two lovely ladies called the elementary schools in t ]he area and told them not to ignore my name and if they had a position open then to definitely meet with me.

A principal at one of the elementary schools called me (it was actually in response to a call I'd made to him when I first came to town for the initial interview) and said he didn't have any current positions, but would love to meet me and put a face to a name.
I met with him on Tuesday for a few minutes. He said there was nothing available, but there was a slim chance that a position would come up in the next few days due to numbers, and for me to keep an eye on the job postings.

Two days later (last night) he called me saying they'd decided to add another grade 4 class, would I be interested in coming in for an interview! So this morning I left Edmonton to make the 2 and a half hour drive back to the town for an interview.

At 6:30 tonight I was offered the job!

It truly astonishes me how quickly things can turn around!
Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with one of my grade partners. She will be giving me a tour and sharing some vital information. Monday I start, I get a few days to prep my room (which is currently being emptied) and on Wednesday or Thursday I get my munchkins.

It's all happening so fast! I have very little stuff here, school supplies as well as clothing (while mostly shoes...) and I have nowhere to live. These next few weeks are going to be hectic. I'm already overwhelmed and a touch emotional... Needless to say, Mason is excited for me to be here.


~Loops, dives, and big steps: all in a short amount of time~

Turning On the Waterworks

I have never been one to shed a lot of tears. Other than books and movies, few things fazed me. Now don't take this the wrong way, I cried when my grandparents died, and when me father got sick. But that was the extent of it.

This all changed about a year ago. I can't give you an exact date, but I often associate it with the start of Mason's and my relationship. Now this sounds bad, and Mason hates that I make that link, for some reason though, it just made sense. It wasn't that he was mean to me, abused me, or in anyway attempted to make me cry. It would just happen.

Tonight, after a number of defiant weeping episodes, I may have finally come up with a basis for this [emotional] madness.


When I read, or watch a movie, I get attached to the characters. There are times after a movie, that I find myself behaving like a character from it, reenacting certain scenes. And you saw from my early post how my books can take hold of my mind. It is for this reason that books and movies caused me to shed tears. To me, they weren't just a form of entertainment. I was invested in the characters, and their lives. So when one died, or had their heart broken, or some other dramatic event, I felt their pain as well.
I can be an extremely empathetic person.

Since Mason entered my life, my emotions seem to have gone haywire. Tonight, I think I have discovered the reason for this- emotional investment.
I've always been a guarded person, but he broke down my boundaries and has released the teary beast!

Thankfully, he is patient, and only teases me slightly for the seemingly pointless grounds for my tears.

~Kill the Beast! Kill the Beast!~

Don't Turn Around

The state in which we currently reside might suggest stagnant waters. You may fear that our direction has faltered and now resides as a neglected thought in the dark corners of our minds. With all else engaging our time, we are left to our own devices, surviving on minimal time, and leftover weekends.
Such is not the case, however. With February quickly approaching, our minds remain interested in the current affairs. We see time as a growing crop, ever nearing the moment for action.
And with harvest in mind, we put on the appropriate wear and take our step. A big step. A monumental step. Together- hand in hand... and my step ever so slightly ahead.

~not entirely alone, for long~

Still Nothing

I am still without the technology that enables me to communicate with the rest of the world... It does not help with the isolation that is Bow Island. 

Sometimes I feel that I live in that town from Footloose... 

Got an email today that made me think, so I thought I'd share it with you.

God doesn't give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED... to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you- to make you into the person you are today, and ultimately the person you are meant to be

~a reason~

prov 3 5 6

Under a microscope nothing is perfect
Blemish and defect are inevitable
nothing is as it originally seems

Plans and purpose fall to the way side
as our tracks silently change course
unbeknownst to the distracted crew

Our plates are beyond our official 'full'
With work, and life, and new voices
at what point do we overcome all this "new"?

~lean not on your own understanding~

She's Back

A few months ago I mention a girl I am calling Kenadie, who was interested in Mason. I told Mason at the time that I was not comfortable with them talking- not that I don't trust him, it's her. Despite the fact that he was in a committed relationship, she continued to pursue him. Ummm excuse me bitch!

So now, here we are months later and things are going wonderfully and she has ceased to make an appearance in our day-to-day lives. Until last night.
Mason was going out with some friends, one of whom is friends with Kenadie, and so Kenadie was part of the group. Mason tells me this morning, that she was hitting on him all night.
Well, needless to say that rubbed me the wrong way!
Girl- he's cut off communication with you, he's still got a girlfriend, and he is showing you no interested. Get the hint and MOVE ON.

Mason seems to think I'm making a bigger deal of this than I should. That he's with me, is perfectly content, and there is nothing Kenadie, or any other girl can do to change that. I try to forget about it... but obviously, based on this post hours later... it continues to linger.
I am confused on what to do about it. I don't want him to feel that I don't trust him- cause I do. But I can't seem to explain to him in a way that he understands why this girl bugs me so much. Nor, does it seem that I can forget it.

~haunted by past transgressions~

Moments Away

Down the prairie road I tread. Whence I left remains in clear sight, though time indicates I aught to be long gone. I peer ahead and see my journey's end. Is the distance I have set off to travel as brief as it appears?

No, the prairie road misleads. This long straight path passes fields of wheat and corn and hemp and beets. It is no easy journey. I can look back and see the times I strayed into the fields; overcome with curiosity I abandoned my set destination for a time. The path was not easy, however. Having been swarmed with bugs and scratched by the uncultivated crop, I slowly returned to the appointed path.

And now, minutes away from that which I set off to reach, I fear. I fear that I am not prepared. The long prairie road was not long enough...
But I'm here, with no time to spare.


~prairie road trained~

To the Dried Bean Capital of the West

The world is in motion, just like me. This past week has been a whirl of changes triggered by required choices.  (I am So indecisive it's painful.)
With 2 interviews, and 2 job offers in less than a week, life suddenly seemed to be on fast forward. No time to stop and nit-pick through each scene in search of foreshadowing or signs. The conclusion was inevitable and imminent.

And now here I am, praying that it's where I'm suppose to be. Unfortunately if it is, it is over 5 hours away from some of the best friends a girl can have and her fantastic boyfriend; and over 13 hours away from her devoted family. However, I should be thankful... I could have been 8 and 25 hours away. It's all how you look at it.


~Perspective and attitude. Let those be my guide. ~

Hey! Guess What- I Like You

No "L" word
No ring
No forever
Just now, with underlaying possibilities.
I'm still not certain, so I'm not going to push.
But open your eyes, the potentials remain and flourish.
Be ready to open your hand when I'm ready to squeeze tight and jump

~an enthusiastic Smile~

Inner Dialogue

Yes, no... maybe?

I have always been an indecisive person. Throughout elementary school and into high school, my best friend always made my decisions for me. When she got a boyfriend, however, and our relationship began to... shift, I was forced to show some resolve. I had to make decisions.
I am not bitter about this change, I am well aware that having to make my own decisions is a vital part of growing up and ultimately living.

Today, I remain an ill-proficient decision maker. I know that many people feel that way, but I believe (and have been told) that I am worse than most.
At times it is because I honestly do not care. Other times it is because I am unsure how I feel about a situation. And other's I am afraid of the consequences.

Knowing the difference between want and need plays an important role in this. Of course this is much easier without the world's views being pushed down your throat. And their ideas been taught as best.
Peer pressure is a bitch.

~join the joyride~

Silence

A flood or words, feelings, desires, and questions. Something you asked for -even pushed for. I laid it all out, not knowing what to expect, but backed by trust. Surprising I know.
An answer delayed by nature, and so remains 1000 kilometers away. Despite your earlier urging, I am striving to not do the same. Space and time is needed, I believe. Or at least it is what I am trying to convince myself of.
Not that I scared you, nor you don't care.

There's something to be said, in time. And so time will continue, and I will be patient. I will, I will, I will.


~Tale as Old as Time~

A Mind to Read

A mind would be worth reading, I presume, especially if they all operated in a similar style as mine. I don't intend to sound haughty, but I am often vastly entertained by all that takes place up there.
The conversations, yelling, attempts at logic, inside (literally) jokes- they're fascinating! From the way others speak, I believe that my thoughts and ideas are astonishingly unique!

However, I believe that the way people portray themselves to the outside world often does not coincide with their inner thoughts and actions-  it is not just me! I am not the only one with something to contribute here.

While it would be intimate beyond repair to open up my mind to someone, I humbly feel that it would be interesting, entertaining, and perhaps even educational to some degree!


~living in a world of few~

If My Heart Had A Voice

There comes a time when you have to admit certain things- declare your baggage and open up your heart. The idea of it seems easy enough. You can rehearse in your head and with a friend. I have a tendency of writing it out (at least in point form, to make sure I have not forgotten any important details).
But when the time finally comes to share my hands get clammy, my arms are suddenly covered with goosebumps, and my stomach cramps. It is as if the very idea of opening myself up- making myself vulnerable- is horrendous, stupid, and wild.

I am told that over time, and with 'practice' such exertions become easier. Well it has been approximately 9 years that I have been working on these improvements and I have yet feel any sort of enhancement. And it most certainly is not more manageable. The very thought of still haunts my dreams as well as waking hours.

Is this really a practice that will enrich my life (and relationships)? When/if I begin to practice these actions more often, will I eventually feel as if I've accomplished something? Or will I always feel this way?


~I'm ok with faking it~

Role the Dice

Since yesterday I have probably listened to Faith over a dozen times (I tend to have on obsessive personality at times...). This repetition allows for a more precise examination of the different words and ideas in the song. While there are a number of lines that ignite some sort of reaction or emotion in me, the one most deafening right now is "'cause I've got to have faith"

what is it that I should have faith in? in love itself? or in the one these feelings are directed to?

I am not a gambler- when it comes to taking risks I'm exceptionally conservative. When it comes to putting my heart on the line... I lack the faith and trust in every aspect. Though I get emotionally evolved, it is rare that I allow for anything more to happen.

A boy once told me that you have to allow yourself to fall in love. At the time I disagreed, but it didn't take him long to teach me that if I was going to survive in the world, I must have control of that- a girl can only endure so much pain.

~can one have faith in something they aren't sure exists?~

take me for a ride...

Firsts are always the best, the most memorable, the standard to which all subsequent are compared.

yesterday was one for me.

i'd always dreamed of riding one, constantly claimed to want a boy with one, or one with the boy... either way, i can now say this with assurance: i want a motorcycle.

riding on the back of a chunk of metal (with cushions for seats of course), clinging onto my driver for dear life, going 130 down the highway is a thrill i have never before experienced. it is not comparable to driving in a car (even a convertible) or riding on a boat, or jet ski across the water. it's a different kind of thrill, of freedom...

there is more danger, more risk in a motorcycle. Falling or crashing is often catastrophic if not fatal.

Mothers all over the world fear that their son will one day buy a motorcycle, or that their daughter will climb onto the back of some boy's.

yet on i climbed, trusting in my driver and that he would keep me safe

~for a wild ride~

must it always come back to Trust

I now understand the reason why i shudder at the mere mention of group projects.

The whole working together to accomplish something great. Each doing our own part, and later reuniting to fit it together to attain that ideal assignment.

Trust.

It always comes back to this!

You see, in a group project not only do you depend on your partner(s) to do their part, but they depend on you. Often you are with others whom you barely know. You are unaware of their past group-projects experiences. No, instead you are thrown into such a situation left only with faith

Faith that they will perform their tasks up to your standards (and vice-versa of course), faith that they will research properly, faith that they will actually show up on the day you are presenting (because group projects all-too-often go hand in hand with presentations).

It's all just too risky. You are so vulnerable placing that trust on the shoulders of another. This isn't a minor deal, this could be your degree we're talking about here!

~for even the sturdiest ground can shift and can tremble and let us fall~

The Last Tears?

Don't worry, it just takes time... it's a part of life.

People grow up and move on.
They make new friends and they lose old ones.

Hoes over bros no longer has significance cause he's not "just a boyfriend..." New life, new priorities, surrounded by improvements.
We aren't in high school anymore, it's time to make big decisions, important decisions, life changing decisions...

Growing up, taking new steps in your life becomes an every day thing. Moving out, buying a house, getting married, graduating, getting a job, going to school...

Maybe not for everyone... For some it's all the same. Like me, my attempt at commitment was, once again one sided. The relationship, that we had said we had thought so long and hard about (or maybe it was just me...) so as not to make a mistake has been thrown out like an old rag, discarded with no second thought, no thought of salvation...

Long term connections and friendships meant nothing.
Cause five page emails were an everyday thing, shared with strangers you meet on the street.

The promises, intentions, and wishes were just for fun, empty words of seduction.

All that took place... and now you're content with "no longer speaking".


Well, that's life.
People grow up, move on.
They make new friends, and they lose old ones.

Nothing to shed a tear about...



~damn the music and that love thing~

Reality?

It takes a long time to truly trust someone.
There are very few people I would say I trusted with my life, and those who have managed to reach that point, did not travel on an easy road.
I don't intentionally doubt people, it is merely an approach I've followed since I was young, since i had reasons to mistrust.

They say bad things happen for a reason, and the best you can do is learn from them. Perhaps this is my form of 'learning'. Just because it is not the way in which everyone else behaves, doesn't mean I am at fault.
It is simply a way to protect myself.

So, once someone has reached the stage of 'I trust you completely', there should be no chance to be hurt by them, correct?
NO
Humans are imperfect, and you can never completely trust their word, no matter how well you think you may know them.

If that is so, then, is there even a point to give people chances, if the reality is that they are, at some point, going to let you down? To hurt you and cause this viscious cycle to begin again?


-I have no need for friendship; friendship causes pain-


Isn't there a song about this?
What am I thinking, there are probably billions of songs about this!