Sparks Fly

I think this song was written for me, or at the very least parts of it. It speaks right to me, and my situation.  That's one thing about Taylor Swift, her lyrics are real, and something that her fans can truly relate to. 


The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards
You say my name for the first time, baby, and I
Fall in love in an empty bar

And you stood there in front of me just
Close enough to touch
Close enough to hope you couldn't see
What I was thinking of

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
So reach out open handed
And lead me out to that floor
Well, I don't need more paper lanterns

Take me down, baby bring on the movie star
'Cause my heart is beating fast
And you are beautiful I could wait patiently
But I really wish you would

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
I run my fingers through your hair
And watch the lights go out
Just keep your beautiful eyes on me

Gonna strike this match tonight
Lead me up the staircase
Won't you whisper soft and slow
I'd love to hate it
But you make it like a fireworks show

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Sparks fly, baby smile, sparks fly






~sorry you're down $20~

the Truth

a burning sensation i'm unable to extinguish. the source of which i am far too familiar with. avoidance accomplishes little, as my heart and mind never align. logic over instinct scarcely succeeds. for i am emotional and irrational -a lethal combination in the heart of a girl.


~where's a Fire Fighter when you need'm~

Better Than Sleep

Lately I have thoroughly enjoyed the "haiku" style of poetry. I am aware that I am not following all the strict rules of the art, but when it comes to expressing myself I don't believe in restrictions. So here is a series of haiku-styled (to save myself from any Puritan that feels the need to verbally attack my writing) verses I wrote last night in bed rather than sleep.




Love me dangerously
Be strong, passionate and daring
A force to be reckoned with


Let nothing stop you
Push me up against the wall
Your desire's mine


Delight me violently
Cover my body with you
Lust fulfilled with love


The world's against us
So let our hearts turn rebel
And love without fear


~But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.~

You

something fresh 'n new
intriguing beyond all else
and way off limits

it Suits you

Change does not dictate better. The altering of one's ideas or behaviour is not necessarily for the enhancement of their life. The old may excel in light of the revised. Through different eyes gleams fresh colours. And light can fade.

Walking on towards my unconventional end, envisaging a slow demise. A collapse thronged with excitement and novelty, gossip and rumours, judgement and scrutiny. But be confident, disregard the world's perception as they are governed by lust, power, and self.

Change is inevitable and constant. One day dark, another light, the next retiring from shades all together. I see nothing I require in what I fancy, and yet my resiliency falters. My sight narrows and becomes focused.

~an alteration of kind~

Suit yourself, Tie me up

Over time I have become aware of my tendency of attraction towards a certain type of guy. I do not aim for these specific characteristics to tempt me beyond all else. In fact, these qualities are ones I have been advised to "get over" as they lead to pain and heartache. But like an avalanche racing down the hill, desire is hard to control, and nearly impossible to deny.

But, change is in the air. Whether this be permanent or not my course has shifted, even just slightly. I wonder to where I now wander. I wonder to what I aspire.
I wonder, wander, and fear. Dream, desire, and aspire.

~cover all traces~

Even Still

my heart strings flutter

and race with intention

my face flushes

and burns with passion

my mind rushes 

with possibility and ideas.
my heart skipped a beat.

i'm hot and excited,

nervous and aroused.

to want, is not to need

but to live with purpose.

~wind me up, and let me go~

A Mind to Read

A mind would be worth reading, I presume, especially if they all operated in a similar style as mine. I don't intend to sound haughty, but I am often vastly entertained by all that takes place up there.
The conversations, yelling, attempts at logic, inside (literally) jokes- they're fascinating! From the way others speak, I believe that my thoughts and ideas are astonishingly unique!

However, I believe that the way people portray themselves to the outside world often does not coincide with their inner thoughts and actions-  it is not just me! I am not the only one with something to contribute here.

While it would be intimate beyond repair to open up my mind to someone, I humbly feel that it would be interesting, entertaining, and perhaps even educational to some degree!


~living in a world of few~

Lick n' Spit

I have my computer (yet to be named) set to tell me the time on the hour. It has a mock-robotic sound to it, and tends to echo through the room.
Erin hates this noise. She shudders, jumps and squirms each, and every time it resonates through the room. Normally when she is in the room, I laugh to myself, and mute it. My intentions to be a good roommate, and respectful of other's feelings, but still find pleasure in the small things.

Today, I paid for those simple pleasures.
I brought my laptop to class to assist me in remaining conscious (by working on lesson plans of course!).  At about 1 minute to 3 I took out my laptop in preparation of taking notes and beginning my lesson plans. Within a moment my computer rang-out- "it's 3 o'clock". And with that, 70 faces turned in my direction.

For those of you who aren't personally familiar with me, I rarely (if ever) enjoy being the centre of attention. So when these 140 eyes turned to me I blushed. I turned red enough to stop traffic, and my face was hot enough to heat my house.
Of course it didn't help when one of my fellow students (a rather cute one I might add) commented on it, and laughed- a lot!


~next time come closer and say that to me~

Ready for a Fight

The world and our culture is not concerned with true love like so many sources suggest. Sure our culture is obsessed with weddings, we have dating sites flooding the internet, and romantic comedies with all the biggest stars, but while they are feeding the romantic's heart, they are also filling the pockets of higher powers. They are exploiting our hearts for their gain. 

In the media and in hollywood we see love and relationships as disposable, on the grounds of dissatisfaction. Worth is placed not on commitment and perseverance, but on self-contenment. But can one ever be happy with something that is easy- something that required no sacrifice or fight? 

Portraying a love life of perfection rather than actuality fuels discontentment from our vulnerable -and rather naive- world.

~till death [of the honeymoon stage] do we part~

A Call-Out

You with the great heart
open and willing to share
persuade my folly.

You with the deep soul
where clear truth surely abounds
entice my misdeeds.

You with the pure motive
shaped not by our corrupt world
excite my lost heart.

You saved by His grace
set straight my wandering path
and take my numb hand.


~all others release me~

Sweet Success?

Erin and I went out last night with a mission- get a guy to buy us a drink. Never before have we had a stranger just buy us a drink and we thought this would be an acceptable goal for our evening. With just the two of us, no one would have to learn of our failures and rejection if we fell flat on our face and so only our pride and self-confidence would be bruised.

Upon arriving at our chosen destination, we stood by the bar to set out our strategy. While deep in discussion and leaning against one of the bars, two boys (men?) came to the bar on either side of us. They ordered drinks, and then began talking to each other over/through (they weren't that tall) us. Erin pulled me away from the bar sub-consciously in order to allow their conversation to be un-obstructed by our presence.

So we stepped away from the bar, continuing our conversation. The next thing we knew, one of these previously mentioned boys/men handed Erin a shot. We both looked at it, and then the boys/men with disbelief. Upon recovering, Erin asks, "what about one for my friend here" motioning to me. They smiled and told us it was coming.
Success?
Success! (though I fear success isn't nearly as sweet as it would be if we had to work for it...)

We stayed talking with these members of the male sex for a while longer, and in doing so received two more shots, each.
While they seemed nice enough, they weren't enough to keep us hanging around. Though we fervently thank them for the drinks and confidence boost, we wish them all the best in their future endeavours.

~we didn't even have to wear lingerie~

Alluring Shadows

Coerce me into the shadows
impel me away from the crowd.
manipulate me with your wiles.

Your hands, your lips, your breath
envelope and overwhelm me
as I gasp for air.

Hidden away from judging eyes
you want me, and I you
so take me- into the shadows.

Our secret ventures intrigue me
your eager lips arouse me
immerse me in delirious ardour.

~rough seduction~

Trading Spaces

Yesterday I discoursed about the perpetual habit of holding place upon the agonizing course. The fear and pain that accompany each failed attempt, but which never seems to be enough to end the cycle.

When crawling into bed last night, however, I realized that I have a slightly divergent habit (perhaps more detrimental than riding this unremitting train).

Me- rather than traveling from station to station and testing several locations, I tend to recurrently revert to an old, familiar stop. A stop that is not perfect- but comfortable. A location with faults, but manageable.
Though the time I spend at this stop is satisfying, I often feel as if there is something more. At times I look around and think all that is needed is a basic renovation. Other times I fear I may need a new location all together.

~a different kind of cycle~

Straight Out of My Mind (or Worse)

To subject one's self to such humiliation and near certain pain can only be defined as masochistic. Pigs to the slaughter, they flock to the source. The result is boasted and desired, but rarely met. Instead, after an interval of tears and recuperation, they return- a bit more broken, a bit more jaded, a bit more desperate- prepared this time for success.

Sense is lacking, hearts are hurting, and hormones raging. The desired is imagined but never met. Each failure sparks a hidden vigor, longing for success, praying this is the final endeavour.


I tumble down this slope head over heals. Blinded by the movement, disorientated by the crowd. In attempt to pick through the array, I experiment with the impossible, finding myself bewildered by the outcome. Sense is replaced with heart, reality by hormones.

~out of the fire and into the fire again, you make me want to forget and start all over~

If My Heart Had A Voice

There comes a time when you have to admit certain things- declare your baggage and open up your heart. The idea of it seems easy enough. You can rehearse in your head and with a friend. I have a tendency of writing it out (at least in point form, to make sure I have not forgotten any important details).
But when the time finally comes to share my hands get clammy, my arms are suddenly covered with goosebumps, and my stomach cramps. It is as if the very idea of opening myself up- making myself vulnerable- is horrendous, stupid, and wild.

I am told that over time, and with 'practice' such exertions become easier. Well it has been approximately 9 years that I have been working on these improvements and I have yet feel any sort of enhancement. And it most certainly is not more manageable. The very thought of still haunts my dreams as well as waking hours.

Is this really a practice that will enrich my life (and relationships)? When/if I begin to practice these actions more often, will I eventually feel as if I've accomplished something? Or will I always feel this way?


~I'm ok with faking it~

How Do I Say This

A girl can make as many claims as she wishes, the point of the matter is whether it is based on fact or fantasy. Strength and control is an image I wish to portray, at times that requires a twist of the truth with a dash of exaggeration. But the image prevails.

Claiming indifference restores face. To pine is to show weakness and arouses pity. Ergo I stand here unperturbed. Either option suits me...

There are times when I hesitate. But in this, I know my answer.

~got the Poker Face~

Secrets

Every girl's got one [or more]. Whether they lie in the excluded details or undivulged accounts, they reside deep within her heart.

Misty and Erin interrogate me on my secrets. Some details were shared.
Now, Misty wonders by what means these ends were reached? She desires a tutorial, of sorts, of my 'arts'. Funny, I did not know I was an artist.
I ponder on the actions which lead to the events of interest. I stumbled upon only one deliberate (or was it?) behaviour on my part- being discretely forward. Let it be known what you want, without being audacious or facile. Plant those ideas and watch them bloom, then be prepared to [thoroughly] enjoy the crop.

Ideas hold more worth when you believe they are yours. So scatter your seeds about, and keep vigil. For the time will come when those secrets will be yours to hold.


-it's like a carrot on a tall pole-

Straight from my Lips to my Hips

I have never really been the type to care about calories. But there comes a time in everyone's life when they need to start considering the consequences of their actions.

As everyone is well aware, I love chocolate. Mostly all chocolate. But there is one chocolate I favour above others. That type of chocolate, however, which enchants me above all else, also happens to be the one that will provoke the most pain and misfortune.
The paradox of simultaneous pleasure and pain plagues even the strongest stomachs, bodies and minds. One can prepare mentally and physically for such a venture for days... but the result is inevitable. Those calories (apparently) can be devastating.

Whether these cautions will alter your view (or mine) is yet to be determined.  But as you place that creamy chocolate to your lips... remember the state of your hips.


~the voice of your hands~

Just a Girl with Heart

"Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions"

-Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love)

Infamous for our emotions we crave for escape. But escape to what? A life void of sentiment... What is thinking with no feeling? For without it, thoughts lack truth and meaning. Authenticity is achieved through sentimental value.

Men criticize us, saying we lack logic; women complain that men are deficient of feeling.

What dictates truth? And where may it be encountered?

Shall I strive for freedom and change, or seek to perfect my methods?

Drive me on, compel my endeavours and inspire my thoughts.

To feel is to live. To feel pain is to love.

-I feel it all-

Please Poke my Eyes Out

It seems to be time to give our neighbour a nickname. The one that pops into my head, as well as my roommates' is "Ugly Naked Guy." Yes I know that this is not an original name, but lately I have learned that it is beyond appropriate.

The other morning I came into the kitchen for some breakfast before heading off to school. I was at the sink (getting water I think, but the reason isn't important) and I happened to glance up through the window.

I was nearly sick.

For there, in the lit-up room, spread-eagle on top of his covers was out neighbour- entirely naked. Embarrassed, and feeling extremely uncomfortable I turned away from the sink and avoided the window for the remainder of the morning.

I hoped and prayed that this would be an isolated incident. I was wrong.

That afternoon when I returned home and was sharing this scaring experience with Misty, she informed me that she had been the victim of a similar episode this afternoon.

This is far from acceptable, and is most definitely not welcome. Perhaps in other circumstances, where he does not deserve the nickname "Ugly Naked Guy". But unfortunately, life is rarely that perfect.

-sometimes it is important to look at ourselves in the mirror-

Caught

to detect the eagerness of water lapping against the exposed

projects more than tremors across the expanse

increase the rate, the rhythm, the contact

never to drown among the surging volume

but instead grow in authority and magnitude.

a lust too dangerous to abdicate

a desire exceeding that of mere want

a push, a pull, an uncontrollable urge

take me under, drink me up, imbibe all that i am

you are life, and death, and amid

~in a wave~

He Likes it With the Lights On

I've shared stories about GCG before- you know, our lovely neighbour that enjoys girl-on-girl porn at 7:30 in the morning and refuses to close his blinds, even when he's undressing.

Well, it has been months since we have seen him, at one point this spring it appeared that he was packing up, and we thought that he was leaving/we scared him away.

It seemed for a while (of course I was gone for the summer, so this is merely my view of things) that the room would remain unused.

A few weeks ago, however, when I came home late one night, I noticed that the lights were on and on the bed lay sleeping a new guy.

I thought it weird that the lights would be on, and he would be sleeping. My conclusion was that he did not mean to fall asleep, and the lights on was an accident.

This apparent accident however, seems to be more of a habit. I happen across him sleeping-with the lights on-about 3 times a week!

It makes me wonder- what is it he gains by sleeping with the light on, other than creating a clear view into his room?

~cause who doesn't love an audience~

a tear falls

Everyone has expectations. mine- are they unrealistic, absurd, and ridiculous? apparently much of what i want is not what i need. everyone around me has opinions on the matter, most of which contradict my attitude.

Does this make me wrong, or them?

Let me make my mistakes- not yours. share your thoughts, but don't force my hand. it is not a tour guide or dictator i need- but an equal, a friend.

so cast away your dominant thoughts and walk down a strange path.

~let me live, learn, and cry~

like a flower

my best intentions rest beside me

once destined to spurn me on-

inspire me to a better future-

and now so deftly discarded

it remains a forgotten reverie

which i have no desire to recall

they imagine they know best

and preach what they know not

i, the choir, wish you well- elsewhere

let me be down my path of insanity

i know little, and wish to remain

a beauty in danger of destruction

~free from your pot~

p.s. check out the song Courage (feat. Lacey from Flyleaf) by Orianthi, and share your thoughts!

Locked In

It has happened twice now in just over a week- as if the world is their's, they are free to roam and do as they wish.

The first time Misty and I saw it coming- well partially. Because of the nature of this certain individual, when we see him coming down the street, we tend to close the blinds, turn off the TV, and lock the doors (much to our guest's amusement). Generally, these actions are done in vain. This time, however, he did turn up our walkaway, and walked with purpose up our steps and in the front door- or at least he would have had we not just locked it moments before.

He tried to WALK into our house! Who does that!

Ok, some people do that, but those are the special people in your life that you trust and actually want in your house!

(there is, of course, a story which follows his attempted entry, but that is not the point of this anecdote)

Today, once again Misty and I were resting in our living room. Suddenly we heard footsteps coming up the front stairs. We were confused as Erin was napping, Kara was away for the weekend, and neither of us were expecting anyone.

We sat waiting for the knock. But it never came- instead the doorknob turned and the door rattled as the unknown visitor attempted to open our door! When he couldn't get in, he walked back down the stairs and along the sidewalk away from our house.

Upon recovering from the initial shock, I peered through the window to see who our almost-visitor was. I did not recognize the man. *shiver*

~not open for business~

Over and Over Again

Have you ever been so lost?

Known the way and still so lost?

Lost- Katy Perry

Take a look around, are you where you want to be? Are you where you feel you should be? Have you strayed far from the intended path, or are you still within arms' reach?

I'm abandoned in the heart of the ocean, with nothing but water and horizon surrounding me. Somewhere in the unknown lies a floatation device once intended as my solace. Could I not catch, or the other not throw? Wherever the fault lies, it has left me fruitlessly kicking and sputtering. No sign of aid or chance for relief.

The end result inevitably lies deep within

~deep, dark, and dangerous~

Consider this an Invitation

extend to me your heart, express the words upon your vessels. this street has no restrictions in direction. i am fuelled by your words, encouraged by your attention, and am desperate for more.

more than an audience, i long for you to engage in my activities. for this is all for you- my venture towards giving you an element of myself. it contains my heart and all i hold dear.

~declare a contribution~

"You don't need a man- you need a champion"

Watch Me Fall

Come undone like a string on a sweater
That you pull but you know better
But doing what you shouldn't's half the fun

We Run- Sugarland

The forbidden, mysterious, and unexpected- an enticing endeavour I can't help but partake in. The end results are virtually certain pain, and yet I am not deterred. Magnify the negative, admix the questionable with detrimental and watch as my enthusiasm escalate. Delight extends along with the ultimate torment.

However, instilled deep within rests that which has yet to be satisfied.

The notion of decent, noble, and respectable stirs an anticipation I have yet to find riveting. Ultimately I long for one of superior quality, however more must be satisfied along with that longing.

~entice with mystique and reverence (and a pinch of danger)~

Bond with Me

This year Erin and I are pleased to welcome 2 new roommates into our house! Misty (whom I have previously mentioned) and Kara (a new character in my anecdotes).

Yesterday the 4 of us had some most wonderful opportunities for quality roommate bonding. We began with a rather thorough purge of our basement. Apparently those who cam before us felt it acceptable to leave behind bags, boxes, and piles of their junk (and when I say junk, I mean literally- junk) behind when they moved. Old TVs, suitcases of papers, and bags of clothes.

The most interesting find of the day was a sealed container with all writing in german. For some unexplainable reason, Erin and Misty decided to open it... Kara and I did not get a chance to look inside due to the lightning speed of Misty upon Erin's first gag- apparently it was food... at some point.

Later, in a truly girl-fashion we celebrate out cleansing. This included slurpies, coconut rum, music, and lots of clothes... Sorry, that is all I'm at liberty to say (some people claim i have a 'big mouth', and I'm trying to fight that reputation).

In conclusion... I enjoy my roommates

~for the entertainment of the neighbours~

Role the Dice

Since yesterday I have probably listened to Faith over a dozen times (I tend to have on obsessive personality at times...). This repetition allows for a more precise examination of the different words and ideas in the song. While there are a number of lines that ignite some sort of reaction or emotion in me, the one most deafening right now is "'cause I've got to have faith"

what is it that I should have faith in? in love itself? or in the one these feelings are directed to?

I am not a gambler- when it comes to taking risks I'm exceptionally conservative. When it comes to putting my heart on the line... I lack the faith and trust in every aspect. Though I get emotionally evolved, it is rare that I allow for anything more to happen.

A boy once told me that you have to allow yourself to fall in love. At the time I disagreed, but it didn't take him long to teach me that if I was going to survive in the world, I must have control of that- a girl can only endure so much pain.

~can one have faith in something they aren't sure exists?~

Common Ground

Driving home from school today I heard the song Faith by George Michaels on the radio. I hadn't heard it in a while, but there were a few verses that stuck out- they seemed to speak to me and my current bearings.

Some of these communicative lyrics are:

But I've got to think twice

Before I give my heart away

And I know all the games you play

Because I play them too

Oh but I

Need some time off from that emotion

Time to pick my heart up off the floor

And when that love comes down

Without devotion

Well it takes a strong man baby

But I'm showing you the door

'Cause I gotta have fait...

Before this river

Becomes an ocean

Before you throw my heart back on the floor

Oh baby I reconsider

My foolish notion

Well I need someone to hold me

But I'll wait for something more

Yes I've got to have faith...

Everyone has struggles, but it's nice to know we aren't alone in them. Just as this song talks of trouble with love, I feel as if I'm trying to escape that tornado of emotions.

For all those out there paddling through similar waters, my heart goes out to you. We will band together- even if just in spirit- for strength and support.

~to be alone~

I have only a blank expression

what has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun

Ecclesiastes 1:9

I need a pillow to scream into, and a magic 8 ball- I need direction.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel as I seem to continually arrive at the same points. I'm getting frustrated having to deal with this issue again. Is this necessary? Is there not a new mountain for me to scale?

But wait, maybe my problem- why I repeatedly find myself in this place- is that this issue hasn't actually been dealt with.

I know I'm passive and tend to avoid conflict, confrontations, or causing anyone pain, but could it be that I'm unwilling even to confront myself...

Lauren- how do you feel? what do you want?

~perhaps I should move to the dark side of the moon~

I never claimed to be governed by logic

Life is full of unanswered questions. No matter how hard we may try, and how deep we may dig, some things are just not meant for us to know.

It has been for a time now that I have wondered over a question I thought unexplainable. Sure there have always been theories, but those never completely satisfied me.

The question to which I am referring is that of girls' (specifically mine) infatuation and ever present attraction to jerks.

This summer, however, after falling yet again for the jerks' charm, I believe I have gained some valuable insight (at least into my own personal struggle).

When with a guy, a girl (me) just wants to feel special. The thing about jerks is, they treat everyone like shit, so all it takes is for him to treat me just a little bit differently.

He can still treat me terribly, but if it is still of a higher standard than everyone else, then at least I am receiving special treatment.

Compare this to a nice guy- he's nice to everyone, so when he treats me the same way, how is that anything notable?

~just because I understand my weakness does not mean I can rectify it~

A Lesson Yet to be Learned

with a touch like that, its hard to believe the truth

eager hands, hungry lips, tender eyes

i can't help but feel loved

your words negate the prior, the love i surmised taunts me

unwanted, unworthy, unappreciated

i'm wanted most all at once

your head strives for freedom, and control of your heart

you want in, want out, want something

we both struggle for control

-no such thing as escape-

Love this Pain

it's just an on again

and off again situation

it's just striking a match

a tank of gas combination

but here i am again lighting it up

knowing that [he'll] just burn me

(Lady Antebellum, Love this Pain)

live is fickle. at one moment it envelops you in ardor, with a hunger impossible to allay. compelled by the unknown, the hunt remains unsatisfied (and yet gratifying). and just as it seems you will parish in a whirl of passion and desire, the radical desire dissipates. in its shadow you lay, striped and deserted- an empty core- expected to go on living your life.

return to me passion, infuse in me a zeal

a purpose which endures, a love worth tears

and a half equally rapt

-but i can't walk away-

sizzling

summer is a time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the refreshing taste of my past with a twist. it still amazes me how inviting it is. a taste of comfort, yet excitement, all balled into one exuberant entity. nothing more than a mouthful of bliss. a bliss that can neither be forgotten nor denied, and nearly impossible to keep.

yet to learn

is it the face of a child?
is it the thrill of danger?
is it the kindness we see in the eyes of a stranger?
is it more than faith?
is it more than hope?
is it waiting for us at the end of our rope?


is it the one you call home?
is it the Holy Land?
is it standing right here holding your hand?
is it just like the movies?
is it rice and white lace?
is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face?


is it the first summer storm?
is it the colors of fall?
is it having so little,
and yet having it all?
is it one in a million?
is it a change to belong?
is it standing right here singing this song?

is it a veil or a cross?
is it the poet's gift?
is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships?

is it making you laugh?
is it letting you cry?
is it where we believe that we go when we die?
is it how you were made?
is it your mother's ghost?
is it the wish that I'm wishing for you life,

for your life, for your life the most?

- Love by Sugarland

i wrote this song about you

so many words, too many words. they are unable to surface. i wonder what they say, but am afraid to look. are they what i want? could they all be true?

the possibilities are endless and leave me fearful.

i can't help but wonder if it's the same for you. are there words left unsaid.

need they be said?

with these unsaid words we will build a bridge. one fortified with time and precision.

~actions speak louder than words~

7 times 7

Eric Church has this song called "Those I've Loved" and the chorus goes:

And I hope they know

I never woulda made it this far on my own
Where would we all be without those
Fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers
The friends I’ve made, the long lost lovers
I wouldn’t be who I am today
If not for those I’ve loved along the way
Along the way

Now I see great truth in this. Much of who we are today has been developed from the people and experiences of our past. While I always try to use these experiences to better myself and learn, there are certain things, or people that I would change if I could.

Does that make me a bad person?

I mean, I'm not living in constant regret, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I did things differently, or certain situation turned out differently.

Most of this is in retrospect, but even at the time I had the thoughts "why am I doing this" and now I'm just wishing I'd listened to myself.

The worst part is, that they caused pain to others... and that's my biggest regret.

~sorry isn't always enough~

a spur of the moment decision

unaware and oblivious, i forgot to consider this.

i spoke too soon, and said too much. typical girl- letting my emotions get the best of me. next time i'll keep it to myself, my lips are sealed, and my emotions under-wrap.

all you'll see, is what i allow for. weakness is a risk i can no longer take.

stand strong against the world, and by world i mean the opposite sex. their intentions are skewed, and minds distracted- living in a world of delusions. that which is relative to females, prevails concretely in the male's mind.

beware of the signs. sharp declines and avoidance of reasons point down a different path. we wonder to what end this will go, and if our minds are aligned.

so take what you can, and believe what you want. but reality does exist, and you are missing.

~no complaints~

a Haiku series

you smile at me

my insides tangle up

but i smile back

i see it in you

my smile ties you in knots too

we are both knotty

looped-up in feelings

an entanglement of two

too much to handle?

~an english lesson in counting~

echoes fade

an intended path can be unrecognizable following one wrong turn. the aspired end clear in your mind fades. the old exchanged for new.

the new, despite having ceased to exist prior to this moment, overwhelms all. now a new end. a preoccupation to heal all else, giving order and truth.

the initial goal forgotten, existing only as intended footprints.

navigational maps imparted to redirect, recalculate the wrong turn and restore to original path. yet doubt of success or truth established in earlier objective in turn allows for my recalculation.

must original plan trump the unforeseen revelation?

are not plans designed to be infringed?

the old has been examined in excess and is no longer comprised of appeal. instead it reeks of repetition.

establish a life free of echoes, but abounding in lure.

be open to change, embrace the unexpected.

~blindfold and spin me towards life~

sweeter with time

and so it goes, from nothing it spurts

a semblance of the once was blotting the pages.

i look back, and proceed forward

the fresh paths entice me

my smile widens.

life that was can stop there

so much more awaits

with time and opportunity for new

two hands grasp tight and take a chance

just wait!

memories survive only as lessons

and food for thought

as our journey wares on

side by side we strive for more

i want this.

wait, and live, and love

some dreams are meant to have

with time enough to ponder

and hold on to through twists and turns

and still endure.

hold tight long enough for it to matter

~a surprise path~

consume me

puppies are like children, you spend enormous amounts of money on the best and newest toys, when all they really need is a stick (or in the case of our puppy, a pine cone and a blowing leaf) and attention.

our world has their priorities mixed up. If we weren't always so concerned about the newest gadgets, we wouldn't have to spend most of our lives working in order to purchase them. Besides, they cost so much that even after you've bought them, you can't afford to stay at home and use them!

~it's a nasty cycle of pain~

all mine own

in all eyes your value is at odds;

a struggle for worth means little

when you lay among the mud.

so smile and cheer in attempt to rise

but your sentence lies in us

i am aware you are there

but your shine remains unseen

and i scoff at other's hunger.

in you i behold naught

and my glances pass you by

they wonder at my dispassion

presuming my hiding in fear

and turning from the truth.

but certitude rules me, while fancy you.

no value in dust i see.

~in the eyes of the beholder~

a small hole where he use to be

Erin and I are worried... we have not seen GCG in days! perhaps even a week!

The last time we had any sort of update (i use this in a very broad sense) was probably last week sometime when we were washing out dishes and noticed the desk and computer were gone! Then the next day it was in the corner right in front of the window, so instead of seeing the computer screen, we saw GCG's face. Honestly, that was more disturbing.

But since those twists of events, he (and the cats) have been MIA, and the blinds have been closed almost entirely!

Though we are thankful we no longer have to watch girl-on-girl while washing dishes, Erin and I are worried, and feel a sense of sadness for the loss of... entertainment?

Does that make us horrible people?

Will GCG get the wrong idea if Erin writes him a letter?

~wanted: a life for 2 young, easily entertained university students. apply below~

with the touch of a hand

i dare say this might label me old fashioned or traditional, but i prefer the guy to make the first move. i'll admit that at times my feelings, or hormones preside over my mind and i do or say something a bit risky, but then, in my head, i hear the voice of a black-and-white man from the 50's telling his daughter how to behave like a proper lady, and be respectable.

there is little that attracts me more to a male then his strength and willingness to take the lead and be in control. disclaimer: this does not mean that i have not been charmed by members of the opposite sex who do not possess these qualities. (double negatives, i know, bad me)

i find myself wondering sometimes, however, what exactly do i deem a 'move'. because a move for me, may not be a move for him. must he act only under my conditions in order for me to consider him? if his actions are not within my set understandings, am i going against my standards? or simply exploring outside of my box, and being adventurous...

~it may be time to get creative~

the window into a new world

i've previously told you about our neighbour, you know, the one who's computer faces our kitchen window. the one who watches porn, and even though Erin pounds on the window for him to turn it off/close his blinds, the next time (the same day in fact) the blinds are open again.

well this guy really has no shame.

he knows we can see him, yet his blinds are always open.

Over the past 2 and a half months we have seen far too many aspects of his pathetic life.

there's his World of Warcraft passion

girl-on-girl porn fetish (for breakfast...)

un-mother-approved eating habits (mhmm a 2L bottle of Pepsi and a large bag of salt n' vinegar ships sounds like a good dinner to me!!)

hand-bangin' bum shakin' awkward shifting dancing!

the most recent 'sharing' incident between his room and our kitchen was thankfully one i did not witness. instead, Erin was the fortunate observer of GCG (greasy computer guy) undressing.... (i try ever so hard not to laugh, because it truly was a painful and scarring experience for Erin).

Who knew that all that sitting at the computer, eating chips, and drinking pop wasn't good for his figure?!

however, in good news, he got a haircut, AND a new shirt!

~the life of a bachelor~

an untrue reality

i escape among my drifting notions- reveling in a world of fantasies, which defy the laws of reality.

emphasizing truth to excite my fancy.

a mere boy is transformed into a knight. an innocent smile evolves into lingering looks. a soft touch into a passionate tale. and words of affection into forever.

no way to be curtailed, this is my compulsion; my life support.

i will not falter under the world's weight.

~i imagine it will last~

the distance we covered

you fancy my eyes, laying claim of their "intensity and beauty". yet while you sit in admiration, i am lost in something deeper- adrift in wonder.

i revere your mind and each word you say, declaring their worth.

distinct from all who came before, thoughts of you excite my mind and send shivers throughout my body.

i marvel on our amends, charmed by the moment. roused from a slumber i knew not i was in.

escaped from the matrix that was, never to return.

~someone with something to say~

lesson learned

people can surprise you.

as much as i hate being judged due to reputation or hear-say, i admit i have been guilty of doing this myself from time to time.

Last night, for instance, i was guilty of this. I went into a situation thinking i knew exactly who he was, what would happen, and how i was going to feel.

instead, i was blown away.

i love being pleasantly surprised. discovering just how ignorant we can truly be.

in high school time was never given to sharing yourself, all that mattered was that you fit in somewhere. now, things have changed. some have come to truly value people- finding out other's stories, how they've grown, and changed since you last 'knew' them (though we can't ever claim to have known each other).

it's encouraging to see how life can change people for the good... for someone whom you previously deemed hopeless (not that i was in any state to lay such judgements), instead ends up being kind, sensitive, intelligent, insightful, funny... someone you are comfortable sitting and talking with into the wee hours of the morning. That even when calling it quits, you feel gypped by time. you whisper a curse to sleep and your need for it. you crave more and long for similar opportunities in the near future.

like a slap to the face, you caught my attention as few have done before. something new, unpredictable, and curiously charming.

~i look forward~

from the inside out

your smile inspires me.

like a sun ray that ripples across the room, you warm me.

it pierces the expanse like a shot

impossible to ignore

and inevitably resonates through all.

your smile revives me.

like chocolate, it cures all ails.

it alleviates a world of pains

generated by your brothers

it's unpredictable and welcome.

`he's got a smile that would light up this whole town`

you make me feel smart

"when i'm turned-on, i smell like honey" - the rather awkward looking boy said to his equally appealing friends.

i'm not an eavesdropper, though i won't deny the lack of effort used to mute surrounding conversations. my writing's professor often urged us to be open to what that world said- especially the more vapid comments, as they often lead to inspiration.

though i take great delight in the absurdities of others, i have yet to be inspired by this quote (except, of course, to laugh).

there is, however, potentiality in such a situation, and i will be sure to retain it in the banks of possibilities for future reference.

~what would you do with this?~

see through me

So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight, but I’m just surviving. I may be weak but I’m never defeated, and I’ll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining. (Kate Voegele)

Preconceived notions dictate my actions. They surmise a particular reaction, and fail to recognize my mortality. Change and weakness are intolerable. While these tests of faith appear to fail against my fortification, the foundation weakens incessantly. Secure walls and strong face account for little in reality.

That which they survey fails to divulge truth. Their rose-tinted perspectives see only that which they wish. Smiling with ease, they disregard my silent plea. Belief does not determine truth, no matter the degree.

My want disbands weightlessly in the hands of the world. Never does compassion span beyond reach, for self governs the soul, and wins. The abandoned mortal ascertains the significance of name: reside in that which they established you for. Escape is both foolish and insecure.

Within the confines of the mind your freedom prevails. They advocate liberation, but practice oppression, thwarting dreams and muting voice.

A time nears which demands conformity, casting sorrow and demise on the sagacious stranger.

No alliance, no concession: survive or reason, these are the only options. Ergo, a choice rests on the horizon. Survey each path, resolve your values, and revolt against prejudices.

Live to believe that truth conquers all

-survival of the lifeless-