Manda, why is your Favourite Colour RED?!

So Manda's hormones are messing with mine... and it's NO fun! In fact, it has caused extreme amounts of pain to present themselves about 3 days early- gah! Some times being a girl REALLY sucks, and guys truly have NO idea what we go through. Sure, some of them may claim that just having to put up with us during this time is pain enough for them, but that's cause they are wusses! And insensitive wusses at that!


I'm decided that i just want to drug myself until i can no longer feel anything. Unfortunately, i came up with that idea while walking down a hallway where 2 classes were taking place and BOTH with the door open, and i was not using my indoor voice.... I will soon be reported to Barb (the school psychologist) and i will be forced to begin regular sessions with her until i've learned alternate ways to deal with my problems.

But this is not just MY problem... it is a problem the entire female race must deal with [at least] once a month- *shakes fist at Eve* it's all her bloody fault!

(he he, bloody)


~it's a crazy ride, but i'm ready to get off~

Love Never Wanted Me

i see you with her, smiling bright
so happy and content without me
our past is gone from your mind
but in mine it continues to reside
threatening to haunt me forever

her hand fitted comfortably in your's
your protective eye focused only on her
deserting me as nothing but the past
with nothing and no one to depend on
abandoned even by my own heart

you do not travel alone through life
for you have taken my heart with you
through mud and slime it's been hauled
all for you; all has been sacrificed,
left behind, for one more chance

your arms around her, is it forced?
for fate had intended that hold for me
and who are we to defy nature's plans
all so perfectly laid out before us
beneath heaven's flawless design




~bullet proof loneliness~

weapons in the form of words

caught among the desire to engage in an immoral act
it overpowers my once sturdy ethical actions
now doing all i can to remain erect in past decisions
as i observe surrounding tenets begin to fall

wishing to stand with them to bear that weight
offering support to stand firm against the world
yet here i am, on a spiral descendent to the unknown
to what end do i allow such pains to poison my resilience

the fate of the world having already been determined
a few rebels strive to find assurance in an alternative end
undergoing regular attacks from society's troops
each time plummeting further into their domain

hope's presence once prominent along the horizon
it's light now fades as darkness and haze intensifies
leaving little light to guide us through the pains
left to depend on the faith delivered by the strong



~fading fast~

One thing is Clear...

...I WAS TAUGHT TO DREAM


Do you ever feel as if life is passing you by and you are missing out on everything that everyone else seems to possess; you know what you want, but it never seems to come your way...

I feel this quite often, and tend to try and hurry or even force the process. But that has been known to backfire...

I hear these words (placed there by Sugarland's Settlin') and sometimes find myself singing along...

15 minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Lookin' like another maybe we could be friends
I've been leavin' it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make



Advice from a friend : "Lauren someday you'll figure it all out... but does that day really have to be today"

Psalm 5:3 says:
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.


I know waiting for that 'perfect time' is important, but i struggle with being patient and envious of others. I guess that this wait will test my patience and [hopefully] correct these faults...


~I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams...
And i believe in peter pan and miracles~

Kicking & Screaming

Is it possible to lose something you never truly had?

To love something that never existed?


Once an idea has been placed in my mind, my imagination runs away with it; together, they conquer the extremes.

Fantasies of possessing a power capable of altering ones actions. A brilliance expected to wow the nations. Words which resonate like music to ones ears. A heart of gold surrendering to the power of true love and devotion...

Unless such an extreme is met, failure becomes the reality of these dreams. Pain envelops the heart which had once fluttered with anticipation.

Overcoming heartache and sorrow of such an intense nature is not an easy task. Critics are quick to judge, but reluctant to offer assistance.
Stress and anger become the fuel of the heart, resulting in emotional overloads, and futile tears. Why must it all continue down this path. What is there to be gained? What lessons learned?


~dreams of a constant fear, a returning pain and a deep dark hole i can't overcome~

A Tied Down Freedom

He holds her tightly, enchanted by her scent
A smile permentaly fixated upon his face
his grasp tightens, afraid of her restless wings
whose span would leave no room for his presence


She feels his arms around her like a noose
kept safe from her attempts at movement
her eyes stray, in search for something more
she longs to be freed, to fly away


~Assured freedom (within limits)~

When you Fall, Everyone else Stands

I open my eyes and find myself at the shore of a body of water, oh and what a refreshing body of water it appears to be. So smooth, clean, untouched and inviting...

jump, jump, jump...


As I stand there, I begin to contemplate taking the plunge. A part of me pushes for the action, but another part of me begins listing (literally) off rational reasons as to why this may not be the best idea:

(1) I am fully clothed, I have no proper swimming attire or a towel

(2) It is still winter, and judging by the cold air, I can imagine the water would not be as inviting as it appears at this point in time.

(3) I am alone, and after my numerous life guarding and water safety courses, the idea of never swimming alone has been successfully drilled into my mind.

(4) It is unfamiliar water, and taking that plunge into such water is not only stupid, but another important lesson that has been burned into my memory.


So many cons, yet against all these, the possibility of some sort of a gain or enjoyment seems to out weigh them all.

Why is it that ideas we know are bad often seem to win out over our better judgment. Is my conscious that screwed up that I would allow myself to be influenced by the mere thought of pleasures and personal gains?!

Such things are not to be important factors in my life, I am not to let my physical desires rule my being.

When I know without a doubt in my mind that this is not the right time for a swim, why do I still entertain the idea?


~toss me out a life vest, irrationality is steering my boat~

The Intelligence of this World Encourages Me... Episode 1

Last week a friend and I were waiting in the lobby of Red Robin (note restaurant) for a table and for the rest of our party.
A guy (presumably college aged) walked into the lobby and began scanning the area. He then took out his cell and chose the number he wished to dial. Upon the callee answering he proceeded to tell him "hey man, i'm at BP's, where are you guys sittin'..."

My friend and I looked at each other, puzzled. I asked if she had heard what I had, she nodded with a smile. Our attention was now fully averted to the actions of this guy, who seemed to be a promising source of entertainment.

This guy then proceeded to walk around the restaurant, phone in hand, attempting to find his buddies.
His search continued for over 10 minutes. He was growing rather frustrated, and I presumed he was no longer enjoying his walks through the [rather cramped] restaurant. He asked his friend "what BP's are you at?"

My friend and I, though relatively entertained, were beginning to feel sympathy for this guy. I could only imagine, if his friends were anything like mine, what they would say when they discovered what he had done.

His eyes radiated with irritation, and I concluded that if he did not figure out his mistake within the next three minutes I would attempt to aid him.
Fortunately (for me, who is severely nervous and incompetent when it comes to talking with stranger) he left the restaurant to continue his search elsewhere...

However, his memory is destined to remain in Red Robin for decades to come...


~dancing on the brink of folly~