Never Again

I hate you for loving me
I hate myself for being blind to it
I hate you for making me feel this way
I hate each song, place and person that reminds me of you
I hate each tear that falls for you
I hate hating you

It scares me that you have such power over me
There isn't a day that goes by that i don't think of you
Not a day goes by that I don't want to cry
I feel so weak, so foolish
My reason as walked out on me
Leaving me with nothing but feelings


'I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry'


Something good will come of this
It is a promise from above
But i don't like waiting
All i see know is pain
All i feel is pain
I yearn that golden lining


~somewhere out there~

Memories of you and i

Each time i remember you
a curtain of tears falls
We shared so much, you and I
or so i was convinced
But down, down we fell
For our roots were poisoned by lies
Lies of love, lies of trust;
Fed by lies- death by lies

Thanks for the memories
meant to always inspire
but instead destined to break
for down i fell
when away you fled
with no backwards glance
at my torn heart left behind
stomped and trampled

At night i still pray for you
that again you may find love
away, safe from our past
built on fact
for each step i take to love
i fall back two-
from remembering you-
as our memories still pierce me



~there is nothing but empty there inside~

Some Wait Their Whole Lives'

The countdowns until excitement enters my summer...







The anticipation is killing me. It's going to be torture knowing the movie is out and i'm stuck in hick-ville unable to watch it with other die-hard fans.

~Everybody's looking for what we've found~

It's a Small World ?

in a world so wide ... i feel [so] small sometimes...

sitting here in my wonderful one-horse town i think about what else there is out there... There is so much in this world i want to see and experience...

and even just Canada... like, did you know:

- there is a 75% chance that a public road in Canada will be UNpaved!
- nearly one-fourth of all the freshwater in the world is found in Canada!
- if stretched in a continuous line, Canada's coastline would circle the earth more than six times!
- the Trans-Canada Highway is the longest national highway in the world!

I've experienced MANY unpaved roads, and as i live in the land of lakes, trees and rocks (oh and BEAUTIFUL sunsets!)... i can believe the fact about the freshwater.
I've visited both the East and and West coastlines... but when you find yourself standing on the beach ogling the great expanse of the ocean, you tend to forget about the land you are standing on... (or maybe that's just me...)
And i am proud to say that anyone driving across that longest national highway in the world MUST pass through my home town!

woot woot Canada!


~i know one day i will come away from you knowing something important~

The Adventures of a Filing Clerk

In the dark, damp, dingy confines of a chart room is where my summer is being spent. My hours are occupied with the alphabet continually running through my head andthe repeaitive up and down, up and down movement getting and returning charts hich ruines my knees and back more so then usual. (thankfully my father has access to helpful products)

I know that at this point there is a twinge of jealousy running through all your bodies, i don't blame you- you realize just how blessed i am to have received such an enthralling summer position!
However, so all you, my faithful readers, do not feel too left out from my adventures i will share some of my experiences with you...

Part of my job is to take test results and place them in the proper section of the correct chart... if the chart is not on the shelves i then use my computer skills to search it's whereabouts.
This one time- i'll never forget it -i was working on filing the 'D's' and came across a man who's chart was not in it's place. I searched his name in the computer and found that he had died (oh sorry... was deceased...), 2 years ago! But these test results were from a few days ago... ! Someone should inform him of his state... that or that radiology is no help if you are already dead...

Oh boy... that adventure just gives me the chills every time i think of it! So exciting...

Not all experiences are that good...

On top of the above situation, i have also come to the realization that there are much bigger geeks out there... I have discovered someone who lives in my town with the name Hermione!! he he he enough said

I've also discovered someone who has stolen the name of my first born daughter... not just the first name, but the first AND second name... i've had it chosen for AGES... i'm on a hunt to find the culprit... and... end this conflict...

So much more excitement to come, i'm sure of it. i hope that everyone else's summer is going even a fraction as good as mine...


~as the last ounce of sanity silently slips away...~

Every time i think of you...

(...i always catch my breath)


They (whoever they may be...) say I need to just stop trying. To Relax. To enjoy life. To laugh and smile (a genuine smile), to have a little bit of faith, look elsewhere... It's time to stop worrying and dreaming of the impossible, time to explore new things.

Or so that's what they say...

Is there even a point to dreaming... when reality never seems to fit that standard. Life always seems to end up being a let down. Why must fiction and fantasizes always be so far off from the truth?

You'd think that those ideas had to have come from somewhere... but i guess the imagination can be a powerful thing...


~I want to hang on to something that won't breakaway or fall apart~

There is a Storm that's Raging through my Frozen Heart Tonight

You know you are from Canada when you can go for a 30 minute walk in the middle of a hockey game and not miss anything.
Every house i passed had the hockey game playing in their front room. And what a kind, neighbourly thing to do i must say, especially those who were thoughtful enough to leave their blinds open for the passer-bys.
Though, i believe it to be the fault of those paranoid people, who believe that we have peeping-Toms in our friendly, clean, safe town, who close their blinds at night that caused me to miss Pronger's hit which led to a possible suspension! *gasp*
Those Ducks are screwed... thank God for instant replay!


Is it unhealthy that I've done nothing overly strenuous all day, and yet i can barely keep my eyes open at 9:30...

All i want to do is sleep... for days.
Do not wake me unless you are prepared to face my wrath... or your name is Draco Malfoy *sigh*


~curse those with power~

¿Perfect Prayer in a Desperate Hour¿

Miracles happen- but what would it take to bring them home... [praying for a miracle]

"Love is wanting what is best for someone else before yourself"

To be in the presence of that special someone is a power capable of inspiring an inward shine to pour from a person. To receive that special attention- to be embraced in such sound and inviting arms- is a blessing even during arguments and frustrations.
That knowledge of someone, other than your family, loving you through thick and thin- willing to sacrifice even their greatest desires for your well-being- is enough to make anyone squirm with delight.

"Love is leaving yourself completely vulnerable to someone, trusting they will not break your heart"

Some are afraid to open themselves up to such possibilities, unable to rationalize the risks of such actions. For the heart makes you do foolish things- foolish things your mind can not explain.
Your common sense is getting all too good at explaining away passion as just another weakness- like fear- it'll get you no where.

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.”



~it took her a while to figure out she could run...~

i got a U-shaped hole inside

i wish i could tell you all something insightful.

i wish i could say something inspiring and uplifting...
...especially in this time of murder, separation, fear, change, lost love, destroyed dreams, confusion, pain... LIFE. But i can't; i have nothing to say, and i know nothing constructive.
i am just as lost and confused as you... if not more.

One can only search so far for something that doesn't exist before they are forced to accept the ultimate reality.

You can only run away so far 'till you meet something new you wish to escape from.


~i swear it gets deeper by the day~

they didn't have you where i came from

Strange things are in the air...


The joys, the hurts- the way we live. Is there a way to change it all; transform who we are? Everyone seems to have an idea of who everyone else is, what part they play in our lives, and how they are supposed to act.

But what if one day every thing's different.
... the mail lady suddenly delivers milk, babies care for their parents and the shower is your new class room.

Will we fight to change it back, or will we embrace the change...


I find comfort in consistency. But once in a while it tends to get repetitive and boring...
Is it even called living anymore if you go through your days mechanically; no longer thinking and considering the paths that lay in front of you because it has all become so familiar.


~happiness: the balloon of life, always be prepared for the POP~

Stolen Dreams; Broken Hearts; a False Innocence

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different


Recently my moods have reflected that of a hollywood relationship- on and off again, on again, off again, BLOW UP, on again, off again, a ring while still off...

I dunno why! - But the probability of it being due to the issue of off-balanced feminine hormones is rare. I'm not at that point... yet.
I've been excessively geeky, unnaturally flirtascious, particularly lonely and dangerously irritable.


Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
Oh


The line above, about holding back the wind is my favourite of the song... and i especially love the way he sings it!


So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down


In addition to the unexplainable moods, i've also had peculiar obsessions.

(1) Draco Malfoy: not necessarily Tom Felton- the actor who plays him in the HP movies- but his actualy character from the movies. He is just a misunderstood boy trying to find his place in the world while attempting to compete with the arrogant Harry Potter and live up to his fathers expectations...

(2) the song 'Stupid Boy' by Keith Urban, yes the one that i have set to devour my words... he is just so amazing and... i can't even begin to explain it!


She let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy


As some may be able to tell, i've hit another brick wall of writers-block. It's frustrating, especially when i have 3 papers to write. And one of them i was so excited to write. But now i'm sitting here, staring at the started essay, disgusted at my words... why can't i always have the power to express my thoughts in words!


Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah


Loss is a natural part of life. Games are lost, cell phones are misplaced, friends are forgotten and dreams are destroyed...


Well, she let her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
Yes, ya did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old
Same old stupid boy


i tend to have this habit of holding my tongue. Often, this is a good thing, as the thoughts i have can be cruel and offensive. But it also created a hole among those i am close to. More is kept from them than is shared...


It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone


i have dreams of running away, the wind whipping across my face and through my hair. Leaving all the pain, fears and isolation behind me. but i realize they won't disappear, they will merely exist beneath new disguises and under different names.

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me


-carved my name into his legacy-

Manda, why is your Favourite Colour RED?!

So Manda's hormones are messing with mine... and it's NO fun! In fact, it has caused extreme amounts of pain to present themselves about 3 days early- gah! Some times being a girl REALLY sucks, and guys truly have NO idea what we go through. Sure, some of them may claim that just having to put up with us during this time is pain enough for them, but that's cause they are wusses! And insensitive wusses at that!


I'm decided that i just want to drug myself until i can no longer feel anything. Unfortunately, i came up with that idea while walking down a hallway where 2 classes were taking place and BOTH with the door open, and i was not using my indoor voice.... I will soon be reported to Barb (the school psychologist) and i will be forced to begin regular sessions with her until i've learned alternate ways to deal with my problems.

But this is not just MY problem... it is a problem the entire female race must deal with [at least] once a month- *shakes fist at Eve* it's all her bloody fault!

(he he, bloody)


~it's a crazy ride, but i'm ready to get off~

Love Never Wanted Me

i see you with her, smiling bright
so happy and content without me
our past is gone from your mind
but in mine it continues to reside
threatening to haunt me forever

her hand fitted comfortably in your's
your protective eye focused only on her
deserting me as nothing but the past
with nothing and no one to depend on
abandoned even by my own heart

you do not travel alone through life
for you have taken my heart with you
through mud and slime it's been hauled
all for you; all has been sacrificed,
left behind, for one more chance

your arms around her, is it forced?
for fate had intended that hold for me
and who are we to defy nature's plans
all so perfectly laid out before us
beneath heaven's flawless design




~bullet proof loneliness~

weapons in the form of words

caught among the desire to engage in an immoral act
it overpowers my once sturdy ethical actions
now doing all i can to remain erect in past decisions
as i observe surrounding tenets begin to fall

wishing to stand with them to bear that weight
offering support to stand firm against the world
yet here i am, on a spiral descendent to the unknown
to what end do i allow such pains to poison my resilience

the fate of the world having already been determined
a few rebels strive to find assurance in an alternative end
undergoing regular attacks from society's troops
each time plummeting further into their domain

hope's presence once prominent along the horizon
it's light now fades as darkness and haze intensifies
leaving little light to guide us through the pains
left to depend on the faith delivered by the strong



~fading fast~

One thing is Clear...

...I WAS TAUGHT TO DREAM


Do you ever feel as if life is passing you by and you are missing out on everything that everyone else seems to possess; you know what you want, but it never seems to come your way...

I feel this quite often, and tend to try and hurry or even force the process. But that has been known to backfire...

I hear these words (placed there by Sugarland's Settlin') and sometimes find myself singing along...

15 minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Lookin' like another maybe we could be friends
I've been leavin' it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make



Advice from a friend : "Lauren someday you'll figure it all out... but does that day really have to be today"

Psalm 5:3 says:
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.


I know waiting for that 'perfect time' is important, but i struggle with being patient and envious of others. I guess that this wait will test my patience and [hopefully] correct these faults...


~I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams...
And i believe in peter pan and miracles~

Kicking & Screaming

Is it possible to lose something you never truly had?

To love something that never existed?


Once an idea has been placed in my mind, my imagination runs away with it; together, they conquer the extremes.

Fantasies of possessing a power capable of altering ones actions. A brilliance expected to wow the nations. Words which resonate like music to ones ears. A heart of gold surrendering to the power of true love and devotion...

Unless such an extreme is met, failure becomes the reality of these dreams. Pain envelops the heart which had once fluttered with anticipation.

Overcoming heartache and sorrow of such an intense nature is not an easy task. Critics are quick to judge, but reluctant to offer assistance.
Stress and anger become the fuel of the heart, resulting in emotional overloads, and futile tears. Why must it all continue down this path. What is there to be gained? What lessons learned?


~dreams of a constant fear, a returning pain and a deep dark hole i can't overcome~

A Tied Down Freedom

He holds her tightly, enchanted by her scent
A smile permentaly fixated upon his face
his grasp tightens, afraid of her restless wings
whose span would leave no room for his presence


She feels his arms around her like a noose
kept safe from her attempts at movement
her eyes stray, in search for something more
she longs to be freed, to fly away


~Assured freedom (within limits)~

When you Fall, Everyone else Stands

I open my eyes and find myself at the shore of a body of water, oh and what a refreshing body of water it appears to be. So smooth, clean, untouched and inviting...

jump, jump, jump...


As I stand there, I begin to contemplate taking the plunge. A part of me pushes for the action, but another part of me begins listing (literally) off rational reasons as to why this may not be the best idea:

(1) I am fully clothed, I have no proper swimming attire or a towel

(2) It is still winter, and judging by the cold air, I can imagine the water would not be as inviting as it appears at this point in time.

(3) I am alone, and after my numerous life guarding and water safety courses, the idea of never swimming alone has been successfully drilled into my mind.

(4) It is unfamiliar water, and taking that plunge into such water is not only stupid, but another important lesson that has been burned into my memory.


So many cons, yet against all these, the possibility of some sort of a gain or enjoyment seems to out weigh them all.

Why is it that ideas we know are bad often seem to win out over our better judgment. Is my conscious that screwed up that I would allow myself to be influenced by the mere thought of pleasures and personal gains?!

Such things are not to be important factors in my life, I am not to let my physical desires rule my being.

When I know without a doubt in my mind that this is not the right time for a swim, why do I still entertain the idea?


~toss me out a life vest, irrationality is steering my boat~

The Intelligence of this World Encourages Me... Episode 1

Last week a friend and I were waiting in the lobby of Red Robin (note restaurant) for a table and for the rest of our party.
A guy (presumably college aged) walked into the lobby and began scanning the area. He then took out his cell and chose the number he wished to dial. Upon the callee answering he proceeded to tell him "hey man, i'm at BP's, where are you guys sittin'..."

My friend and I looked at each other, puzzled. I asked if she had heard what I had, she nodded with a smile. Our attention was now fully averted to the actions of this guy, who seemed to be a promising source of entertainment.

This guy then proceeded to walk around the restaurant, phone in hand, attempting to find his buddies.
His search continued for over 10 minutes. He was growing rather frustrated, and I presumed he was no longer enjoying his walks through the [rather cramped] restaurant. He asked his friend "what BP's are you at?"

My friend and I, though relatively entertained, were beginning to feel sympathy for this guy. I could only imagine, if his friends were anything like mine, what they would say when they discovered what he had done.

His eyes radiated with irritation, and I concluded that if he did not figure out his mistake within the next three minutes I would attempt to aid him.
Fortunately (for me, who is severely nervous and incompetent when it comes to talking with stranger) he left the restaurant to continue his search elsewhere...

However, his memory is destined to remain in Red Robin for decades to come...


~dancing on the brink of folly~

Home is to be familiar...

They have been calling for snow for days, yet still, here we are with minimal amounts and snow clouds slowly passing us by. How dismal.

I'm currently home, in the land of snow (ha, not this year), mouthwatering food and familiar strangers.

Which reminds me...
I took a short drive last night, to take a quick gander through the movie store, before choosing a movie for my Girls Night with my sisters. At the counter, where I was paying for the overpriced movie, a guy stood behind me. I turned to see him, but than turned back when I did not recognize him, but began talking to me and asking how I was doing and in a familiar tone, as if at some point in our past, we knew each other.
Even after my second take, nowhere in my mind was there a glimmer of familiarity about him. He was tall (well, taller than me), wearing an army jacket and a [black?] toque. He had a friendly round face and a fair complexion and I imagined he had blonde hair hidden beneath the toque. His age remains a controversial issue [in my mind], but I imagine he is within a two year radius of my own, whether that be older or younger.

*puzzled look*

It is a profoundly disturbing feeling for me to not recognize a face, I feel dreadful. I hope he did not notice the look of great uncertainty across my brow.

Perhaps I am going crazy...

~there truly was a whole in my laniard~

What a Beautiful day for a Rant

As today is one of my favourite days of the year I have decided to allow it to inspire me...


As many of you are aware of, and often reminded of, I possess a great abhorrence towards a certain team- if you can call them that- or group of people.

Cheerleaders.


Now, I am no english scholar, but in analyzing this word I see that 'cheerleader' is a compound word which suggests [to me] someone who LEADS CHEERS (shocker, I know).

The dictionary defines a cheerleader as:
-a person who leads cheers and applause esp. at a sports event
-an enthusiastic and vocal supporter

Unfortunately (or is it?), according to all I've seen from cheerleaders, I would define them as:
-(for the most part) well proportioned girl, enthusiastic about dancing around in small amounts of clothing, in an evocative fashion.
(at least the enthusiasm is consistent)

Nowhere do I see 'cheering' or 'leaders'. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the only leading these girls do is the prompting of thoughts/fantasies to inappropriate meditations.

Of all the cheerleaders I have personally experienced, I have seen them do nothing but enthusiasm in the flaunting of their well proportioned body around in hope of attracting attention their way. Of course, when they position themselves in the centre of the playing area (whether it be a court, a field...), it is difficult to not pay them SOME attention, now whether this be attention affiliated with approval or distaste depends on the patron.

I believe that in order to be an effective cheerleader they are not to attract attention to themselves but to the team/activity they are cheering for. Which also suggests that they are to CHEER- throwing each other around between games do nothing to build up and support the team.

Though few they may be, there are exceptions to every rule.
And to all those I may have offended... call us even.

~find a way to shine without extinguishing other's~

don't waste your heart -DC

i didn't mean to cause you pain
-DC


what went wrong
why this end
when all was possible
but nothing probable
now wasting away into oblivion


we all knew we were in for a long hard ride
nowhere to run and nowhere to hide [it seemed]
-DC


my heart belonging to no one
kept numb in the freezer of fears
buried beneath selfish acts and lust


Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
-DC


the fantasy in full swing
generates eons of agony
when reality is impeled on us


pat on the back n better luck next time
-DC


to end only with less than ever before



~forever changed by someone i never knew (DC)~

Broken Wings Hinder

Emotionally & Physically drained...

I don't feel as if I can survive till the end of the day, let alone till next Friday. There is little getting me though each day (except the prospect of bowling with two uniquely awesome people, and the reality of seeing the ones I love).

There have been countless times this past week where I have both felt and wished that I would die. Some of these auras have been more prominent than others, but either way, they have not being enjoyable and I would never wish them on my greatest enemy.

More tears have fallen
More hearts have broken
There is little left for tomorrow

To all those out there who have shared comparable weeks... I am sincerely sorry. I hope and pray that we cross this valley to the mountain in the distance as soon as God desires so. Such hikes are equally tiresome, as dangerous. The darkness and depression easily consumes the weak.
Remember not to travel alone and to continually look up, for the sun and mountains are hiding in those clouds.


~'I will never leave you nor forsake you': promises from above~

Welcome Home

naked
exposed to the world
defenseless in all regards
no where to hide
no where to run
alone in the crowd


powerless
all authority terminated
never again to be restored
left utterly dejected
left utterly forsaken
eyes opened for the first time


crushed
knocked down and forgotten
embraced in the world’s impurities
unable to stand
unable to decamp
ostracized from this perverse society



~laugh cry and die~

Life as Few Know it

pain is inevitable, love an impostor
and friends can be replaced
why then is there ample amounts of significance
placed on their presence?

the world is deceitful, our minds tainted
and our hearts misinterpreted
yet we consider ourselves superior
looking down on our own kind

nothing lasts forever, all things fade
and become unrecognizable
still we embrace such things with force
as if all depends upon it