Shovel in Hand

Take a closer look. Do you like what you see? I see something hidden beneath the surface which needs to be displayed. A vital component of you, and of me.
A sweet scent which permeates the room, but which you are unwilling to share. We will all benefit, much to your dismay.
Search out the sweet truth, taste it, experience it, and enjoy it. And then, when you realize my sincerity, share it. Is there anything better than a joy shared, a catching smile, or a contagious laugh. We all want it. And even more importantly, we need it.
Play with the idea. Let your fingers and tongue investigate the source of this redolent treasure. Shared pleasure will visibly spread from ear to ear, and face to face.

~hand in hand~

weather-ing

The snow is blowing, it scrapes across my face. Hoods, scarves, jackets, and mittens aren't enough. The white is pretty, but the process painful. There must be another way.
Yet on I tramp towards my destination, there is a purpose for all this. It is not karma, or chance, or luck. Mother Nature is not punishing us for our pollutants. Through the pain, comes change. Weathering through the storm will not last.
There will always be storms, and rumours of storms, but the sun does return. That rainbow was placed in the sky as a sign of hope, and so it remains.


~a lost sheep~

untitled

Throughout english class, from the 1st grade into university, there has always been an emphasis on choosing the right title. The title is an introduction, preparing the reader for what is to come. It is meant to be interesting, revealing, and clever. I wonder though, if the title divulges too much, however. Does the title prematurely label an unexplored space?
And when being introduced to the public, the title is always presented first, as the most significant information. But why not pass over the title into the grit of the work, alternately detailing the foundation.
I am at a point where I wish to boycott all titles, and instead skip right to the heart of the exertion. Within the core entails the excitement and beauty. There is so much more beyond the title, and I am prepared to fight for that.

~and so we remain, un-labeled~

Just for Fun

Ever join a game, let's say an outdoor soccer game, and think ah it's no big deal, it is just for fun. You think that it could be good exercise, a nice time to hangout with friends, plus fresh air (or as fresh as is possible in the city)! But as the game goes on, you get more into it. It's no longer just for fun- it is serious. You have found yourself in a competitive soccer game. Here the boundary lines matter, the use of your hands is no longer just laughed at. There are strict penalties for stepping outside the boundaries.
Just for fun quickly disappeared and was replaced by serious.

~I didn't train enough for this~

Your Turn/Trying Something Different

I have never really been a fan of Valentine's Day. To me it just always seemed fake and insincere. I'm perfectly fine with receiving chocolate every day of the year, it does not have to be restricted to the 14th of February. But I'd like to hear other opinions.

Valentine's Day

• I love it, it is my favourite holiday
• I hate it, I think that it is a stupid day promoted by hallmark and hershey
• How can someone dislike a day where they get gifts/chocolate?!
• I will share my feelings in a comment

View Results
Create a Blog Poll

~apparently everyone is entitled to their own opinion~

Left Unsatisfied

Last night was my roommates and my last dance class. It is a regrettable end, but we are unwilling to pay $150 for 6 more lessons. We think that is a bit unreasonable.
After our grand finale of a performance, the 3 of us bare the cold for a stop at the Death By Chocolate down the street.

I love chocolate. And I know what you're thinking, she's a girl of course she loves chocolate. But my attachment reaches beyond mere fondness. Rather than an enjoyment, chocolate is an indispensable necessity. It's not an interest but a command. It is a craving that must be gratified.

So at Death By Chocolate I ate a glorious chocolate carmel cake, and my desires were satisfied. And I believed they would be till at least today. Such thoughts were quickly marred, however, for on our way home Misty mentioned in passing Boston Pizza. Suddenly, with no warning, my mouth began to salivate and I could almost taste the pizza. Almost, but not quite.

I began to crave pizza like I had not craved a food in a long time.

And of course, on the way home, we had to pass 6 pizza places, all of which with extremely strong scents...


~what kind of insane am I going to be pregnant, if this is what I'm like normally!~

While you try to figure out what you want in life, the rest of us are living it. It is time to take a chance. 

Live with me.

Silence

A flood or words, feelings, desires, and questions. Something you asked for -even pushed for. I laid it all out, not knowing what to expect, but backed by trust. Surprising I know.
An answer delayed by nature, and so remains 1000 kilometers away. Despite your earlier urging, I am striving to not do the same. Space and time is needed, I believe. Or at least it is what I am trying to convince myself of.
Not that I scared you, nor you don't care.

There's something to be said, in time. And so time will continue, and I will be patient. I will, I will, I will.


~Tale as Old as Time~

Enlighten Me

Question... what is it with boys that make them enjoy making/watching me blush?!

It is a curse I have no control over, and often I am completely unaware that it is happening, until they so willingly point it out. A kind gesture that never fails to intensify the blush- thank you boys.
A blush is said to transpire in the face of embarrassment or shame, and so I ask, what is so delightful in that!?

If you desire to affect me so zealously, I beseech you to do so behind closed doors. Showing such intense emotion is better handled in the absence of an audience.

~red threads~

Yesterday

This is a poem I wrote for one of my classes. It is based on the poem Yesterday by Jean Little.

Yesterday I was a child

Safe and sound in my parents’ arms

Without a care to weigh me down

Or a fear holding me back.

Possibilities and experiences waiting

Out each door

And with each step.

Yesterday I had no reason to cry.

Today I’m ‘grown-up’

My parents are hundreds of kilometers away

At night I lie awake worrying

Fears are a daily occurrence.

Possibilities and experiences surround me-

They overwhelm me-

Which way do I step?

Today it’s hard to not cry.

~change is inevitable~

If You Could Have Her Tonight

Thankfully my path is headed elsewhere
such things no longer interest me
it is for those serious folks
concerned with truth evermore

their unwillingness to commit
means little to me
as i strived to indicate earlier
i don't care if you love me


there is no pain in play
what is time in being wanted
everyone has their terms
apparently mine are just un-secure


~no commitment~

The Reason for Love

There is always some madness in love. But there is also some reason in madness ~Nietzche

There comes a time when you can give no reasonable explanation for an action, a feeling, or a belief. It is what it is and that's the truth. The whys of the matter don't seem to matter, or exist. You search deeper, trying to expose a hidden secret, to unearth a long-lost mystery many have died in attempts to discover. And yet, clueless and unreasonably rapt you remain.

Is it in the touch, the smell, the butterflies, or the familiarity. Voice, wind, breath, gaze. Is help available- is help required?
Obviously I am unaccompanied in this trance, ergo new goal. Afraid to move on, and hesitant to stay.


Because tonight will be the night that i will fall for you over again 
- Secondhand Serenade


~impossible to find~

The Course

What The Hell- Avril Lavigne

You say that I'm messing with your head
All cause I was making out with your friend
Love hurts whether it's right or wrong
I can't stop cause I'm having too much fun

You're on your knees
Begging please stay with me
But honestly, I just need to be a little crazy

All my life I've been good,
but now I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me of you hate me
You can save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good
But now whoaaaaa What The Hell

So what it I go on a million dates
You never call or listen to me anyway
I'd rather rage than sit around and wait all day
Don't get me wrong
I just need some time to play

All my life I've been good,
But now I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around

And I don't really care about
If you love me if you hate me
You can save me
Baby, baby all my life I've been good
But now whoaaaa What The Hell

You say that I'm messing with your head
Boy, I like messing in your bed
Yeah, I'm messing with your head whenI'm messing with you in bed


~learning~

can't go back

Naive and impressionable, i declared all. You claimed prior knowledge, but appreciated the truth. Now what of it? To what end did i envision upon my confession? To be swept up in passion, forgetting the world. Logic, propriety, and ordinance slip our minds and actions.
we wish

I want to see you, but the earth's rotation continues to pull us apart.

But you held your pride like you should have held me
- Taylor Swift, The Story of Us

Chemistry

there's a current in the room-
the world is mindful
all eyes focused on us-
we're oblivious
our surroundings blur
the voices subside to a mumble
nothing else matters

a conquering attraction
devastating the surrounding
with no endeavour
an equal want
but understanding of impossible
the realities of the world
still hold true
I'm still me
and you're still you

change of course

It's the way she's grabbing my jeans, and she pulls me in closer- I don't even know her. It's too damn hot, I don't want to stop. Case I came in here with an innocent girl, but this girl is not.
"Anything But Innocent" Heartbreak City


It's a feeling i can't shake
a desire i can't escape
we all have an image
a reputation to uphold
but i need to breakout

Bonds that tie me down
stipulations that impede me
propriety as my only beacon
excluding the chance for change
opportunities for adventure

You grow through pain
wrong paths lead us there
but living with no freedom
disallows such wanderings
and all potential growth is ravaged


~where my hands may lead me~

All You Gotta Do

Your fairy tale couldn't get much worse
You're a broken bird and we all know
We can win you over, With just a kiss on the neck
-Kiss On The Neck David Cook

It's dangerous, the power you hold. With just a "good morning", quick glance, or soft touch I'm begging for more. My life source, my oxygen, my chocolate. Not a choice, but a need. Feeding the very depths of dreams, passions, and desires. Can I call it an over flowing, when flood is more accurate. Sink or swim I heed no warnings. Stubborn and hooked.

~look closer for the hidden message~

Say to You

If you knew my heart, our worlds would be forever altered. A change would pass over us so powerful and true, transformation would be inevitable. From new eyes you would see me. My heart, cut open and exposed on the table, with nothing more for the imagination to ponder.
All questions, fears and desires detailed and declared. Holding nothing back, ignoring the screams of fear and panic.

The important thing is that you know.

Your response I can imagine as nothing more than abhorrence. All feelings of attachment, broken. All sense of fondness dissolved in my full-discloser. For me to hope for something more is naive. A child with dreams of shining armour and a white horse, as if that Fairy Tale was for me, as if my sharing would further this. When reality finds me dropped and forgotten.


~Ignore my emotions, emotions are dumb; surfing the channels till my senses are numb, shorten my attention span- I should think like a man

A Canary's Life

Living, grasping, dreaming. Perched on the tip of a delusion. Nothing more or less comes my way, yet here I remain- transfixed in the memories. They feed my current state. Wondering what awaits me around the next bend, yet completely unprepared for the reality.

Hiding, lying, fearing- all I aim to forsake. To the end, where chocolate and illusion coalesce and are eager to comfort. Upon the horizon emerges a change, deep crimson scarlet, the blood shed of a broken heart. A heart with all and nothing. Captured and released- a fisherman's sport. The gold unable to comply.

I lap, for the sea embraces my heart, a dream worth recalling.
I need that impulse to push me over the edge, past the hurdles. Rules mean nothing here, except gravity. Promise, love, and time will pass away.


~living the dream~

Thanks for Noticing

When I was in the 6th grade, I was in a class with the grade 7s and 8s. I remember one time we put on this french cafe for the community (I think to raise money for a trip), so we were required to wear black pants and a white top.

I recall doing some set up one day, and 3 of the boys from grade 7 and 8 called me over. After blushing and making my way to them (I was seriously shy) they asked, "Lauren, are you anorexic?" Just what an already nervous, self-conscious girl wants to be asked by older (and popular) boys.

It was an understandable mistake, as a preteen (and even into my teens) my friends teased me for having no curves (literally) and I was relatively skinny. Plus the tight black pants didn't help my case.


And boys wonder why girls are self conscious about their bodies- it's not always because they have extra weight. The smallest, seemingly insignificant comment can  be remembered for years!
Of course, positive remarks (though often less common) can also be remembered and influential.


Today in class, I was passing a table of 3 boys, and I heard my name so I turned to look at them and found them looking at me. I blushed and turned, not knowing the exact topic of conversation, but being fairly certain of the topic.

Later, as I was preparing to go home, the same boy that said my name earlier, asked if I was going home to work out. I told him I might to pilates... He then proceeded with "Well good for you, cause while everyone else gained weight, you lost, and you look fantastic"
*blush*

Now maybe this is vain, or shallow (or both), but knowing that I look good, and it's noticeable, motivates me to work harder and look better.


~the seemingly simplest comments can have severe consequences~

After Years of Experience

I was driving through the snow and frost to church Sunday morning. Though the snowbanks obstruct the smaller car's view, and the ice frosts the windows lightly, I saw my way clearly. The tire tracks in the snow show me where it's safe to drive, and what to avoid.

Up ahead of me, a car pulled out across the road, through the snow and drifts. There were other cars coming quickly (well as quick as possible in the current weather conditions) behind the car that pulled out. He also pulled out fairly close to me!

Normally this wouldn't bother me much, however, I thought that it was rather risky in the present weather- so I honked!

It was only milliseconds after having honked that I realized the cars that the jerk had pulled in front of had all stopped, not for that car, but for the red light. I was driving through a red light.


I felt like an idiot. How many times had I driven that strip before, I knew there was a traffic light there. Plus my window was clear, I was scanning and doing everything I should've been doing to be safe. And yet, I made a crucial error.

Funny how at times you think you can see things so clearly, that you have a better view of the situation than those around you. But then reality smacks you in the face. It knocks you down, and throws snow in your face in an attempt to wake you up- too open your eyes and look at the truth of the situation.



~I can see clearly now- I've been a fool~

Snowed In

Sitting on the cusp of change and excitement; plans and ideas surround me with anticipation. I want this, I look forward to this, each night I dream of this. Maybe not a portrayal of something better, but keeping me on my toes.

I'll plan as much as I'd like. Place it on my mantel, admire and desire it. A romantic notion.
The ultimate reality is, it's a futile endeavour. The snow will come. The wind will come. The clouds will come. Then, more snow. But the snow ploughs will not.

And the plans are never fulfilled.

~wrapped in blankets rather than your arms~

the Words Speak Louder than the Music

"Now I only have myself to blame, for falling for your stupid games, I wish my life had been the way it was before I saw your face"

In the world of music, lyrics speak much meaning to me. Throughout all areas of my life I find myself associating songs to people and situations.

When it comes to boys, I have an entire soundtrack! Many of them have more than one song, "dedicated" to them (from me). Unfortunately -for them- they aren't typically happy or positive songs. Does that make me a horrible person?

It may have something to do with the fact that I tend to enjoy bitter or angry songs more than any other type. Or perhaps I enjoy angry bitter songs because of the boys...

~I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale, I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell~

Sparks Fly

I think this song was written for me, or at the very least parts of it. It speaks right to me, and my situation.  That's one thing about Taylor Swift, her lyrics are real, and something that her fans can truly relate to. 


The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards
You say my name for the first time, baby, and I
Fall in love in an empty bar

And you stood there in front of me just
Close enough to touch
Close enough to hope you couldn't see
What I was thinking of

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
So reach out open handed
And lead me out to that floor
Well, I don't need more paper lanterns

Take me down, baby bring on the movie star
'Cause my heart is beating fast
And you are beautiful I could wait patiently
But I really wish you would

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
I run my fingers through your hair
And watch the lights go out
Just keep your beautiful eyes on me

Gonna strike this match tonight
Lead me up the staircase
Won't you whisper soft and slow
I'd love to hate it
But you make it like a fireworks show

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Sparks fly, baby smile, sparks fly






~sorry you're down $20~

the Truth

a burning sensation i'm unable to extinguish. the source of which i am far too familiar with. avoidance accomplishes little, as my heart and mind never align. logic over instinct scarcely succeeds. for i am emotional and irrational -a lethal combination in the heart of a girl.


~where's a Fire Fighter when you need'm~