Locked In

It has happened twice now in just over a week- as if the world is their's, they are free to roam and do as they wish.

The first time Misty and I saw it coming- well partially. Because of the nature of this certain individual, when we see him coming down the street, we tend to close the blinds, turn off the TV, and lock the doors (much to our guest's amusement). Generally, these actions are done in vain. This time, however, he did turn up our walkaway, and walked with purpose up our steps and in the front door- or at least he would have had we not just locked it moments before.

He tried to WALK into our house! Who does that!

Ok, some people do that, but those are the special people in your life that you trust and actually want in your house!

(there is, of course, a story which follows his attempted entry, but that is not the point of this anecdote)

Today, once again Misty and I were resting in our living room. Suddenly we heard footsteps coming up the front stairs. We were confused as Erin was napping, Kara was away for the weekend, and neither of us were expecting anyone.

We sat waiting for the knock. But it never came- instead the doorknob turned and the door rattled as the unknown visitor attempted to open our door! When he couldn't get in, he walked back down the stairs and along the sidewalk away from our house.

Upon recovering from the initial shock, I peered through the window to see who our almost-visitor was. I did not recognize the man. *shiver*

~not open for business~

Over and Over Again

Have you ever been so lost?

Known the way and still so lost?

Lost- Katy Perry

Take a look around, are you where you want to be? Are you where you feel you should be? Have you strayed far from the intended path, or are you still within arms' reach?

I'm abandoned in the heart of the ocean, with nothing but water and horizon surrounding me. Somewhere in the unknown lies a floatation device once intended as my solace. Could I not catch, or the other not throw? Wherever the fault lies, it has left me fruitlessly kicking and sputtering. No sign of aid or chance for relief.

The end result inevitably lies deep within

~deep, dark, and dangerous~

Consider this an Invitation

extend to me your heart, express the words upon your vessels. this street has no restrictions in direction. i am fuelled by your words, encouraged by your attention, and am desperate for more.

more than an audience, i long for you to engage in my activities. for this is all for you- my venture towards giving you an element of myself. it contains my heart and all i hold dear.

~declare a contribution~

"You don't need a man- you need a champion"

Watch Me Fall

Come undone like a string on a sweater
That you pull but you know better
But doing what you shouldn't's half the fun

We Run- Sugarland

The forbidden, mysterious, and unexpected- an enticing endeavour I can't help but partake in. The end results are virtually certain pain, and yet I am not deterred. Magnify the negative, admix the questionable with detrimental and watch as my enthusiasm escalate. Delight extends along with the ultimate torment.

However, instilled deep within rests that which has yet to be satisfied.

The notion of decent, noble, and respectable stirs an anticipation I have yet to find riveting. Ultimately I long for one of superior quality, however more must be satisfied along with that longing.

~entice with mystique and reverence (and a pinch of danger)~

Bond with Me

This year Erin and I are pleased to welcome 2 new roommates into our house! Misty (whom I have previously mentioned) and Kara (a new character in my anecdotes).

Yesterday the 4 of us had some most wonderful opportunities for quality roommate bonding. We began with a rather thorough purge of our basement. Apparently those who cam before us felt it acceptable to leave behind bags, boxes, and piles of their junk (and when I say junk, I mean literally- junk) behind when they moved. Old TVs, suitcases of papers, and bags of clothes.

The most interesting find of the day was a sealed container with all writing in german. For some unexplainable reason, Erin and Misty decided to open it... Kara and I did not get a chance to look inside due to the lightning speed of Misty upon Erin's first gag- apparently it was food... at some point.

Later, in a truly girl-fashion we celebrate out cleansing. This included slurpies, coconut rum, music, and lots of clothes... Sorry, that is all I'm at liberty to say (some people claim i have a 'big mouth', and I'm trying to fight that reputation).

In conclusion... I enjoy my roommates

~for the entertainment of the neighbours~

Role the Dice

Since yesterday I have probably listened to Faith over a dozen times (I tend to have on obsessive personality at times...). This repetition allows for a more precise examination of the different words and ideas in the song. While there are a number of lines that ignite some sort of reaction or emotion in me, the one most deafening right now is "'cause I've got to have faith"

what is it that I should have faith in? in love itself? or in the one these feelings are directed to?

I am not a gambler- when it comes to taking risks I'm exceptionally conservative. When it comes to putting my heart on the line... I lack the faith and trust in every aspect. Though I get emotionally evolved, it is rare that I allow for anything more to happen.

A boy once told me that you have to allow yourself to fall in love. At the time I disagreed, but it didn't take him long to teach me that if I was going to survive in the world, I must have control of that- a girl can only endure so much pain.

~can one have faith in something they aren't sure exists?~

Common Ground

Driving home from school today I heard the song Faith by George Michaels on the radio. I hadn't heard it in a while, but there were a few verses that stuck out- they seemed to speak to me and my current bearings.

Some of these communicative lyrics are:

But I've got to think twice

Before I give my heart away

And I know all the games you play

Because I play them too

Oh but I

Need some time off from that emotion

Time to pick my heart up off the floor

And when that love comes down

Without devotion

Well it takes a strong man baby

But I'm showing you the door

'Cause I gotta have fait...

Before this river

Becomes an ocean

Before you throw my heart back on the floor

Oh baby I reconsider

My foolish notion

Well I need someone to hold me

But I'll wait for something more

Yes I've got to have faith...

Everyone has struggles, but it's nice to know we aren't alone in them. Just as this song talks of trouble with love, I feel as if I'm trying to escape that tornado of emotions.

For all those out there paddling through similar waters, my heart goes out to you. We will band together- even if just in spirit- for strength and support.

~to be alone~

I have only a blank expression

what has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun

Ecclesiastes 1:9

I need a pillow to scream into, and a magic 8 ball- I need direction.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel as I seem to continually arrive at the same points. I'm getting frustrated having to deal with this issue again. Is this necessary? Is there not a new mountain for me to scale?

But wait, maybe my problem- why I repeatedly find myself in this place- is that this issue hasn't actually been dealt with.

I know I'm passive and tend to avoid conflict, confrontations, or causing anyone pain, but could it be that I'm unwilling even to confront myself...

Lauren- how do you feel? what do you want?

~perhaps I should move to the dark side of the moon~

I never claimed to be governed by logic

Life is full of unanswered questions. No matter how hard we may try, and how deep we may dig, some things are just not meant for us to know.

It has been for a time now that I have wondered over a question I thought unexplainable. Sure there have always been theories, but those never completely satisfied me.

The question to which I am referring is that of girls' (specifically mine) infatuation and ever present attraction to jerks.

This summer, however, after falling yet again for the jerks' charm, I believe I have gained some valuable insight (at least into my own personal struggle).

When with a guy, a girl (me) just wants to feel special. The thing about jerks is, they treat everyone like shit, so all it takes is for him to treat me just a little bit differently.

He can still treat me terribly, but if it is still of a higher standard than everyone else, then at least I am receiving special treatment.

Compare this to a nice guy- he's nice to everyone, so when he treats me the same way, how is that anything notable?

~just because I understand my weakness does not mean I can rectify it~

A Lesson Yet to be Learned

with a touch like that, its hard to believe the truth

eager hands, hungry lips, tender eyes

i can't help but feel loved

your words negate the prior, the love i surmised taunts me

unwanted, unworthy, unappreciated

i'm wanted most all at once

your head strives for freedom, and control of your heart

you want in, want out, want something

we both struggle for control

-no such thing as escape-

Love this Pain

it's just an on again

and off again situation

it's just striking a match

a tank of gas combination

but here i am again lighting it up

knowing that [he'll] just burn me

(Lady Antebellum, Love this Pain)

live is fickle. at one moment it envelops you in ardor, with a hunger impossible to allay. compelled by the unknown, the hunt remains unsatisfied (and yet gratifying). and just as it seems you will parish in a whirl of passion and desire, the radical desire dissipates. in its shadow you lay, striped and deserted- an empty core- expected to go on living your life.

return to me passion, infuse in me a zeal

a purpose which endures, a love worth tears

and a half equally rapt

-but i can't walk away-

sizzling

summer is a time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the refreshing taste of my past with a twist. it still amazes me how inviting it is. a taste of comfort, yet excitement, all balled into one exuberant entity. nothing more than a mouthful of bliss. a bliss that can neither be forgotten nor denied, and nearly impossible to keep.

yet to learn

is it the face of a child?
is it the thrill of danger?
is it the kindness we see in the eyes of a stranger?
is it more than faith?
is it more than hope?
is it waiting for us at the end of our rope?


is it the one you call home?
is it the Holy Land?
is it standing right here holding your hand?
is it just like the movies?
is it rice and white lace?
is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face?


is it the first summer storm?
is it the colors of fall?
is it having so little,
and yet having it all?
is it one in a million?
is it a change to belong?
is it standing right here singing this song?

is it a veil or a cross?
is it the poet's gift?
is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships?

is it making you laugh?
is it letting you cry?
is it where we believe that we go when we die?
is it how you were made?
is it your mother's ghost?
is it the wish that I'm wishing for you life,

for your life, for your life the most?

- Love by Sugarland

i wrote this song about you

so many words, too many words. they are unable to surface. i wonder what they say, but am afraid to look. are they what i want? could they all be true?

the possibilities are endless and leave me fearful.

i can't help but wonder if it's the same for you. are there words left unsaid.

need they be said?

with these unsaid words we will build a bridge. one fortified with time and precision.

~actions speak louder than words~

7 times 7

Eric Church has this song called "Those I've Loved" and the chorus goes:

And I hope they know

I never woulda made it this far on my own
Where would we all be without those
Fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers
The friends I’ve made, the long lost lovers
I wouldn’t be who I am today
If not for those I’ve loved along the way
Along the way

Now I see great truth in this. Much of who we are today has been developed from the people and experiences of our past. While I always try to use these experiences to better myself and learn, there are certain things, or people that I would change if I could.

Does that make me a bad person?

I mean, I'm not living in constant regret, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I did things differently, or certain situation turned out differently.

Most of this is in retrospect, but even at the time I had the thoughts "why am I doing this" and now I'm just wishing I'd listened to myself.

The worst part is, that they caused pain to others... and that's my biggest regret.

~sorry isn't always enough~

a spur of the moment decision

unaware and oblivious, i forgot to consider this.

i spoke too soon, and said too much. typical girl- letting my emotions get the best of me. next time i'll keep it to myself, my lips are sealed, and my emotions under-wrap.

all you'll see, is what i allow for. weakness is a risk i can no longer take.

stand strong against the world, and by world i mean the opposite sex. their intentions are skewed, and minds distracted- living in a world of delusions. that which is relative to females, prevails concretely in the male's mind.

beware of the signs. sharp declines and avoidance of reasons point down a different path. we wonder to what end this will go, and if our minds are aligned.

so take what you can, and believe what you want. but reality does exist, and you are missing.

~no complaints~

a Haiku series

you smile at me

my insides tangle up

but i smile back

i see it in you

my smile ties you in knots too

we are both knotty

looped-up in feelings

an entanglement of two

too much to handle?

~an english lesson in counting~

echoes fade

an intended path can be unrecognizable following one wrong turn. the aspired end clear in your mind fades. the old exchanged for new.

the new, despite having ceased to exist prior to this moment, overwhelms all. now a new end. a preoccupation to heal all else, giving order and truth.

the initial goal forgotten, existing only as intended footprints.

navigational maps imparted to redirect, recalculate the wrong turn and restore to original path. yet doubt of success or truth established in earlier objective in turn allows for my recalculation.

must original plan trump the unforeseen revelation?

are not plans designed to be infringed?

the old has been examined in excess and is no longer comprised of appeal. instead it reeks of repetition.

establish a life free of echoes, but abounding in lure.

be open to change, embrace the unexpected.

~blindfold and spin me towards life~

sweeter with time

and so it goes, from nothing it spurts

a semblance of the once was blotting the pages.

i look back, and proceed forward

the fresh paths entice me

my smile widens.

life that was can stop there

so much more awaits

with time and opportunity for new

two hands grasp tight and take a chance

just wait!

memories survive only as lessons

and food for thought

as our journey wares on

side by side we strive for more

i want this.

wait, and live, and love

some dreams are meant to have

with time enough to ponder

and hold on to through twists and turns

and still endure.

hold tight long enough for it to matter

~a surprise path~

consume me

puppies are like children, you spend enormous amounts of money on the best and newest toys, when all they really need is a stick (or in the case of our puppy, a pine cone and a blowing leaf) and attention.

our world has their priorities mixed up. If we weren't always so concerned about the newest gadgets, we wouldn't have to spend most of our lives working in order to purchase them. Besides, they cost so much that even after you've bought them, you can't afford to stay at home and use them!

~it's a nasty cycle of pain~

all mine own

in all eyes your value is at odds;

a struggle for worth means little

when you lay among the mud.

so smile and cheer in attempt to rise

but your sentence lies in us

i am aware you are there

but your shine remains unseen

and i scoff at other's hunger.

in you i behold naught

and my glances pass you by

they wonder at my dispassion

presuming my hiding in fear

and turning from the truth.

but certitude rules me, while fancy you.

no value in dust i see.

~in the eyes of the beholder~

a small hole where he use to be

Erin and I are worried... we have not seen GCG in days! perhaps even a week!

The last time we had any sort of update (i use this in a very broad sense) was probably last week sometime when we were washing out dishes and noticed the desk and computer were gone! Then the next day it was in the corner right in front of the window, so instead of seeing the computer screen, we saw GCG's face. Honestly, that was more disturbing.

But since those twists of events, he (and the cats) have been MIA, and the blinds have been closed almost entirely!

Though we are thankful we no longer have to watch girl-on-girl while washing dishes, Erin and I are worried, and feel a sense of sadness for the loss of... entertainment?

Does that make us horrible people?

Will GCG get the wrong idea if Erin writes him a letter?

~wanted: a life for 2 young, easily entertained university students. apply below~

with the touch of a hand

i dare say this might label me old fashioned or traditional, but i prefer the guy to make the first move. i'll admit that at times my feelings, or hormones preside over my mind and i do or say something a bit risky, but then, in my head, i hear the voice of a black-and-white man from the 50's telling his daughter how to behave like a proper lady, and be respectable.

there is little that attracts me more to a male then his strength and willingness to take the lead and be in control. disclaimer: this does not mean that i have not been charmed by members of the opposite sex who do not possess these qualities. (double negatives, i know, bad me)

i find myself wondering sometimes, however, what exactly do i deem a 'move'. because a move for me, may not be a move for him. must he act only under my conditions in order for me to consider him? if his actions are not within my set understandings, am i going against my standards? or simply exploring outside of my box, and being adventurous...

~it may be time to get creative~

the window into a new world

i've previously told you about our neighbour, you know, the one who's computer faces our kitchen window. the one who watches porn, and even though Erin pounds on the window for him to turn it off/close his blinds, the next time (the same day in fact) the blinds are open again.

well this guy really has no shame.

he knows we can see him, yet his blinds are always open.

Over the past 2 and a half months we have seen far too many aspects of his pathetic life.

there's his World of Warcraft passion

girl-on-girl porn fetish (for breakfast...)

un-mother-approved eating habits (mhmm a 2L bottle of Pepsi and a large bag of salt n' vinegar ships sounds like a good dinner to me!!)

hand-bangin' bum shakin' awkward shifting dancing!

the most recent 'sharing' incident between his room and our kitchen was thankfully one i did not witness. instead, Erin was the fortunate observer of GCG (greasy computer guy) undressing.... (i try ever so hard not to laugh, because it truly was a painful and scarring experience for Erin).

Who knew that all that sitting at the computer, eating chips, and drinking pop wasn't good for his figure?!

however, in good news, he got a haircut, AND a new shirt!

~the life of a bachelor~