Manda, why is your Favourite Colour RED?!

So Manda's hormones are messing with mine... and it's NO fun! In fact, it has caused extreme amounts of pain to present themselves about 3 days early- gah! Some times being a girl REALLY sucks, and guys truly have NO idea what we go through. Sure, some of them may claim that just having to put up with us during this time is pain enough for them, but that's cause they are wusses! And insensitive wusses at that!


I'm decided that i just want to drug myself until i can no longer feel anything. Unfortunately, i came up with that idea while walking down a hallway where 2 classes were taking place and BOTH with the door open, and i was not using my indoor voice.... I will soon be reported to Barb (the school psychologist) and i will be forced to begin regular sessions with her until i've learned alternate ways to deal with my problems.

But this is not just MY problem... it is a problem the entire female race must deal with [at least] once a month- *shakes fist at Eve* it's all her bloody fault!

(he he, bloody)


~it's a crazy ride, but i'm ready to get off~

Love Never Wanted Me

i see you with her, smiling bright
so happy and content without me
our past is gone from your mind
but in mine it continues to reside
threatening to haunt me forever

her hand fitted comfortably in your's
your protective eye focused only on her
deserting me as nothing but the past
with nothing and no one to depend on
abandoned even by my own heart

you do not travel alone through life
for you have taken my heart with you
through mud and slime it's been hauled
all for you; all has been sacrificed,
left behind, for one more chance

your arms around her, is it forced?
for fate had intended that hold for me
and who are we to defy nature's plans
all so perfectly laid out before us
beneath heaven's flawless design




~bullet proof loneliness~

weapons in the form of words

caught among the desire to engage in an immoral act
it overpowers my once sturdy ethical actions
now doing all i can to remain erect in past decisions
as i observe surrounding tenets begin to fall

wishing to stand with them to bear that weight
offering support to stand firm against the world
yet here i am, on a spiral descendent to the unknown
to what end do i allow such pains to poison my resilience

the fate of the world having already been determined
a few rebels strive to find assurance in an alternative end
undergoing regular attacks from society's troops
each time plummeting further into their domain

hope's presence once prominent along the horizon
it's light now fades as darkness and haze intensifies
leaving little light to guide us through the pains
left to depend on the faith delivered by the strong



~fading fast~

One thing is Clear...

...I WAS TAUGHT TO DREAM


Do you ever feel as if life is passing you by and you are missing out on everything that everyone else seems to possess; you know what you want, but it never seems to come your way...

I feel this quite often, and tend to try and hurry or even force the process. But that has been known to backfire...

I hear these words (placed there by Sugarland's Settlin') and sometimes find myself singing along...

15 minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Lookin' like another maybe we could be friends
I've been leavin' it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make



Advice from a friend : "Lauren someday you'll figure it all out... but does that day really have to be today"

Psalm 5:3 says:
In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.


I know waiting for that 'perfect time' is important, but i struggle with being patient and envious of others. I guess that this wait will test my patience and [hopefully] correct these faults...


~I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams...
And i believe in peter pan and miracles~

Kicking & Screaming

Is it possible to lose something you never truly had?

To love something that never existed?


Once an idea has been placed in my mind, my imagination runs away with it; together, they conquer the extremes.

Fantasies of possessing a power capable of altering ones actions. A brilliance expected to wow the nations. Words which resonate like music to ones ears. A heart of gold surrendering to the power of true love and devotion...

Unless such an extreme is met, failure becomes the reality of these dreams. Pain envelops the heart which had once fluttered with anticipation.

Overcoming heartache and sorrow of such an intense nature is not an easy task. Critics are quick to judge, but reluctant to offer assistance.
Stress and anger become the fuel of the heart, resulting in emotional overloads, and futile tears. Why must it all continue down this path. What is there to be gained? What lessons learned?


~dreams of a constant fear, a returning pain and a deep dark hole i can't overcome~

A Tied Down Freedom

He holds her tightly, enchanted by her scent
A smile permentaly fixated upon his face
his grasp tightens, afraid of her restless wings
whose span would leave no room for his presence


She feels his arms around her like a noose
kept safe from her attempts at movement
her eyes stray, in search for something more
she longs to be freed, to fly away


~Assured freedom (within limits)~

When you Fall, Everyone else Stands

I open my eyes and find myself at the shore of a body of water, oh and what a refreshing body of water it appears to be. So smooth, clean, untouched and inviting...

jump, jump, jump...


As I stand there, I begin to contemplate taking the plunge. A part of me pushes for the action, but another part of me begins listing (literally) off rational reasons as to why this may not be the best idea:

(1) I am fully clothed, I have no proper swimming attire or a towel

(2) It is still winter, and judging by the cold air, I can imagine the water would not be as inviting as it appears at this point in time.

(3) I am alone, and after my numerous life guarding and water safety courses, the idea of never swimming alone has been successfully drilled into my mind.

(4) It is unfamiliar water, and taking that plunge into such water is not only stupid, but another important lesson that has been burned into my memory.


So many cons, yet against all these, the possibility of some sort of a gain or enjoyment seems to out weigh them all.

Why is it that ideas we know are bad often seem to win out over our better judgment. Is my conscious that screwed up that I would allow myself to be influenced by the mere thought of pleasures and personal gains?!

Such things are not to be important factors in my life, I am not to let my physical desires rule my being.

When I know without a doubt in my mind that this is not the right time for a swim, why do I still entertain the idea?


~toss me out a life vest, irrationality is steering my boat~

The Intelligence of this World Encourages Me... Episode 1

Last week a friend and I were waiting in the lobby of Red Robin (note restaurant) for a table and for the rest of our party.
A guy (presumably college aged) walked into the lobby and began scanning the area. He then took out his cell and chose the number he wished to dial. Upon the callee answering he proceeded to tell him "hey man, i'm at BP's, where are you guys sittin'..."

My friend and I looked at each other, puzzled. I asked if she had heard what I had, she nodded with a smile. Our attention was now fully averted to the actions of this guy, who seemed to be a promising source of entertainment.

This guy then proceeded to walk around the restaurant, phone in hand, attempting to find his buddies.
His search continued for over 10 minutes. He was growing rather frustrated, and I presumed he was no longer enjoying his walks through the [rather cramped] restaurant. He asked his friend "what BP's are you at?"

My friend and I, though relatively entertained, were beginning to feel sympathy for this guy. I could only imagine, if his friends were anything like mine, what they would say when they discovered what he had done.

His eyes radiated with irritation, and I concluded that if he did not figure out his mistake within the next three minutes I would attempt to aid him.
Fortunately (for me, who is severely nervous and incompetent when it comes to talking with stranger) he left the restaurant to continue his search elsewhere...

However, his memory is destined to remain in Red Robin for decades to come...


~dancing on the brink of folly~

Home is to be familiar...

They have been calling for snow for days, yet still, here we are with minimal amounts and snow clouds slowly passing us by. How dismal.

I'm currently home, in the land of snow (ha, not this year), mouthwatering food and familiar strangers.

Which reminds me...
I took a short drive last night, to take a quick gander through the movie store, before choosing a movie for my Girls Night with my sisters. At the counter, where I was paying for the overpriced movie, a guy stood behind me. I turned to see him, but than turned back when I did not recognize him, but began talking to me and asking how I was doing and in a familiar tone, as if at some point in our past, we knew each other.
Even after my second take, nowhere in my mind was there a glimmer of familiarity about him. He was tall (well, taller than me), wearing an army jacket and a [black?] toque. He had a friendly round face and a fair complexion and I imagined he had blonde hair hidden beneath the toque. His age remains a controversial issue [in my mind], but I imagine he is within a two year radius of my own, whether that be older or younger.

*puzzled look*

It is a profoundly disturbing feeling for me to not recognize a face, I feel dreadful. I hope he did not notice the look of great uncertainty across my brow.

Perhaps I am going crazy...

~there truly was a whole in my laniard~

What a Beautiful day for a Rant

As today is one of my favourite days of the year I have decided to allow it to inspire me...


As many of you are aware of, and often reminded of, I possess a great abhorrence towards a certain team- if you can call them that- or group of people.

Cheerleaders.


Now, I am no english scholar, but in analyzing this word I see that 'cheerleader' is a compound word which suggests [to me] someone who LEADS CHEERS (shocker, I know).

The dictionary defines a cheerleader as:
-a person who leads cheers and applause esp. at a sports event
-an enthusiastic and vocal supporter

Unfortunately (or is it?), according to all I've seen from cheerleaders, I would define them as:
-(for the most part) well proportioned girl, enthusiastic about dancing around in small amounts of clothing, in an evocative fashion.
(at least the enthusiasm is consistent)

Nowhere do I see 'cheering' or 'leaders'. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the only leading these girls do is the prompting of thoughts/fantasies to inappropriate meditations.

Of all the cheerleaders I have personally experienced, I have seen them do nothing but enthusiasm in the flaunting of their well proportioned body around in hope of attracting attention their way. Of course, when they position themselves in the centre of the playing area (whether it be a court, a field...), it is difficult to not pay them SOME attention, now whether this be attention affiliated with approval or distaste depends on the patron.

I believe that in order to be an effective cheerleader they are not to attract attention to themselves but to the team/activity they are cheering for. Which also suggests that they are to CHEER- throwing each other around between games do nothing to build up and support the team.

Though few they may be, there are exceptions to every rule.
And to all those I may have offended... call us even.

~find a way to shine without extinguishing other's~

don't waste your heart -DC

i didn't mean to cause you pain
-DC


what went wrong
why this end
when all was possible
but nothing probable
now wasting away into oblivion


we all knew we were in for a long hard ride
nowhere to run and nowhere to hide [it seemed]
-DC


my heart belonging to no one
kept numb in the freezer of fears
buried beneath selfish acts and lust


Things can move at such a pace
The second hand just waved goodbye
-DC


the fantasy in full swing
generates eons of agony
when reality is impeled on us


pat on the back n better luck next time
-DC


to end only with less than ever before



~forever changed by someone i never knew (DC)~

Broken Wings Hinder

Emotionally & Physically drained...

I don't feel as if I can survive till the end of the day, let alone till next Friday. There is little getting me though each day (except the prospect of bowling with two uniquely awesome people, and the reality of seeing the ones I love).

There have been countless times this past week where I have both felt and wished that I would die. Some of these auras have been more prominent than others, but either way, they have not being enjoyable and I would never wish them on my greatest enemy.

More tears have fallen
More hearts have broken
There is little left for tomorrow

To all those out there who have shared comparable weeks... I am sincerely sorry. I hope and pray that we cross this valley to the mountain in the distance as soon as God desires so. Such hikes are equally tiresome, as dangerous. The darkness and depression easily consumes the weak.
Remember not to travel alone and to continually look up, for the sun and mountains are hiding in those clouds.


~'I will never leave you nor forsake you': promises from above~

Welcome Home

naked
exposed to the world
defenseless in all regards
no where to hide
no where to run
alone in the crowd


powerless
all authority terminated
never again to be restored
left utterly dejected
left utterly forsaken
eyes opened for the first time


crushed
knocked down and forgotten
embraced in the world’s impurities
unable to stand
unable to decamp
ostracized from this perverse society



~laugh cry and die~

Life as Few Know it

pain is inevitable, love an impostor
and friends can be replaced
why then is there ample amounts of significance
placed on their presence?

the world is deceitful, our minds tainted
and our hearts misinterpreted
yet we consider ourselves superior
looking down on our own kind

nothing lasts forever, all things fade
and become unrecognizable
still we embrace such things with force
as if all depends upon it

Hate Reflecting in My Eyes

hate pierces through my heart
judgments extend from all sides
assumptions are made
names are spoken
and a part of me slips away

my face reflects pain
i blink, desperate to hide the tears
quivering lips keep me mute
silence governing the unsettled feelings

is there no place for protection
will no one reach out
offering another chance
for even as my reflection stares back at me
i find no peace, no solace there

Shut Up & Sing

I've been told many times to "shut up", but never was it followed by "& sing". It's almost as if people don't WANT to hear my singing voice...

So the other night Manda and I watched a 'political documentary' on our own free will! It was exceptionally intriguing and remarkably entertaining- for a documentary that is...

Ok, so truthfully if it had been any other documentary I would not have attend the showing, however, due to the subject matter I made an exception. Dixie Chicks rock my socks!
Shut Up & Sing was a documentary about the Dixie Chicks and all they went through after Natalie stated, while in London when Bush declared war, "I am ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas".
This remark, which had initially been said merely as a way to fire up the audience, was blown way out of proportion...

The 'inside story' to all these happenings was humourous and yet solemn at the same time. We were also briefed on the stories behind a number of the songs... Which I thoroughly enjoyed, for that is something that I often wonder when listening to songs: I wonder how they came up with that idea or I wonder if this actually happened to them
And in learning such stories, I didn't actually mind discovering that I was wrong in some of my intial assumptions of what the song was referring to...

In returning home, I turned Dixie Chicks on, and they stayed on until Friday came, for at that point I switched to Casting Crowns (I attended their concert Friday evening and it was amazing!)

~I've fallen in Love all over again~

Each Colour is Something More

Before leaving for school over two years ago, my adopted Grandpa made me a candy dispenser out of wood. Due to the haste of my departure, there was no time to 'finish' it (with that gross smelling paint stuff). I didn't care that much, it was still a candy dispenser to me, and whether or not it was shiny meant nothing to me.
When my parents and I reached school we journeyed out on a shopping spree to purchase the countless objects I MAY need during my time at school. One of these objects that my father decided I needed was the finish for this wooden candy dispenser.

Now here I sit, more than two years later, and I am proud to say that this afternoon, I've finished the job!
Outside, in the cold and snow, I 'painted' my candy dispenser with finish- using an old sock and a plastic bag! I was quite pleased with the job that the sock did, it's quality of 'painting' is of a much higher degree than that of a paintbrush. And, due to my fingers being inside of the sock, it was much easier to reach those hard-to-get places!
Who would have thought that an old sock would have come in so handy!

Oh, and sorry to all those who must now inhale the chemicals of my drying candy dispenser in the hallway! The candy in a few days will all be worth your suffering!

~such sweetness on my tongue i can only imagine~

things random 6

First off, thank you too Krysta for tagging me... very much appreciated...
Second, the rules are simple, I am to state 6 random things about myself... that shouldn't be too difficult

1. Contrary to opposing beliefs, I am not a Lesbian...
Sorry ladies... I'm straight, that small curve is there only because of Meghan *wink*

2. I hate seeing money getting wasted, and upon seeing any amount of change on the ground, I will pick it up and add it to my random change collection box/bottle/container

3. A friend broke my heart when she told me I wasn't allowed to get a titanium engagement ring (not anytime soon though). Some silly reason about getting my finger cut off... pfft!

4. I controlled myself and did NOT buy the last piece of the 'Chocolate Suicide Cake' yesterday!

5. Chris Keller, a not-so-loved-character from One Tree Hill, was in my dream the other night. And in it we kinda hooked up... I've become obsessed with that show! Is it bad that sometimes i don't remember what is from that show and what is my life?

6. The pink house is in pending until tomorrow... for someone OTHER than us :(


I'll tag Eric, Rodney and Meg (that means you have to write a blog babe!)

Point Me Home

Such a great weight I feel. Pressing, pressing down upon me.

Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong

The power of the mind, so zealous and persistent, easily forces me to an unrecognizable state. Upon identifying such notions, their expansion begins at a prominent rate, one which cannot be reversed.
With ease it seizes control of my entity, leaving little potential for anything to break through it's recently discovered dominance over me.

until i find a way... I'll get through each waking day, the only way i know how

To find oneself in the depths of the unknown, possessing only a false idea of security, devours my dreams. With little possibility for recovery, pain appears to be a constant in all.
Hand in hand comes pain and suffering, and with suffering, experience. But is character not built through such things?

How long 'til our dreams run dry

Life as I once knew it, will cease to exist. Each new breath, each new step, leads to a foreign land. What lies beyond my reach, far off, out of the sight of an average mortal? Unknown from not till then...


~the Devil in red returns for the heart he once had~

Exhale, another wasted Breath

I'm back from...

home
camp
Cuba
family
friends(...)
the crazy life of a small town girl

I'm back to...
school
classes
caf food
friends
missing my family
a room mate
the crazy life of a uni student

Christmas holidays went... fairly well. There were (as there always are when i return home) things which were disappointing. Perhaps these were just some disappointments I was unprepared for.
But to be let down is a part of life... and I imagine that through such things I've grown and changed.


Cuba was awesome. It was hot (in more than one way) and wonderfully sunny!
I did just what i wanted to- play lots of beach volleyball (which had many rewards of its own!) and got nice and brown. It is too bad that I am now in a snow storm where i can't show it off.


Since leaving school in december, I have ran into a wall... the wall of un-inspiration. I've had no desire or passion to write, and it saddens me.
Well, once or twice I've sat down with every intention and aspiration to write... but it wouldn't come.
Oh how i hope this does not last... I have so much I want to record... but no words to reveal it.


~wanting so much more, but receiving all the best~

A Lacking World

The world is in constant motion, as are our lives, our relationships and our hearts. There are times when you think you understand, but then you are hit with reality.

I find it hard to take, sometimes I feel like I could break
And I hope you hear my prayer tonight


Friends are in constant flux along with you, or so it is often believed. Support, sharing, love, confidence, forgiveness... only a few of such pleasures you can benefit from such synchronization...
But without trust, can all this be possible?

Don't talk if you aren't gonna tell me the truth
Don't tell me you know and you've got everything under control
We can't have it all, but we can break the fall
This time I'm letting go, 'cause I can't take it anymore


I used to consider the prospect of being lonely and crowded simultaneously, and I've discovered it's extremely probable. Without a firm foundation of trust, good company is rare.

It was never my choice to feel all alone
This is my home
Back up, you don't know if you've never been here,
You've never been to the place inside


Welcome to a world of fears, broken dreams and a lack of morals, where everything goes and a conscience exists only in the world of losers.


~It's so hard when you're a loser~

A Place to Call my Own

A room all to myself, with no one to kick me out.
A bathroom to myself, with hair that belongs only to me.
REAL food!
A vehicle that is not only available once in a while and will take me where it is I truly need to go!

A blessing in disguise?

I realized today that my time at home will be brief. Time to spend with friends and family quickly passes as my trip to Cuba nears. Today marks 12 days until my trip, however, due to the 3 days I will be spending at Winter Camp, my time at home lessens.
This doesn't bother me to any great extent, as I have discovered that those who once wanted to spend time with me (and I with them), have found bigger and better things. Things change, as do people, it is a part of living and growing. Sure it hurts, but I've found that by distancing yourself from people before reaching this point of breaking... helps to numb the pain.
Of course this proves to be a difficult task when it is someone you love.



Cuba will be an adventure, new people (other than my 16 extra family members), new sites and new experiences. It is times like these I feel as if i am destined to live the life of a gypsy, continual traveling with little contact with people other than the casual greeting. Would life be any better?

~'I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings'~

Tortured, Tangled Hearts

Oh love, oh love you fickle thing
Such pretty words and golden rings
It was a broken dream right from the start
Bless their tortured, tangled hearts



Drama around here is comparable to high school and T.V. (but without the cheating and the casual sex... that I'm aware of) drama.
"So and so are dating..."; "She likes him", "So and so are engaged"; "They cheated in the elections and nonetheless have been granted the position"; "So and so went across the country to captivate his true love's heart"; "They are all dying due to the lack of nourishment received from the cafeteria 'food'"



Well a blast of confusion coupled with delusion
Makes the best made plans sometimes fail
They wined and they dined, had peace of mind



So many hormones and ideas are being tossed around causing vast confusion among the residents. While some are [finally] seeing clearly, others are becoming increasingly disorientated.
One would think that simply stated words could clear up such mayhem... but when words are working contrary to the actions, no simple conclusion is possible.



But the mighty cloud of destiny came driftin' through the gates
And busted up what could have been a perfect, hopeless case



Is it possible for one to feel one thing in their mind and the complete opposite in their heart? And if so, which is the right feeling? Such events are common during these times.

While some people are ready to 'take the plunge', others are slipping in slowly and still others are too afraid to dip their toes in. None of these are superior methods to the others, but you can't help but compare your situation to those around you... which never turns out well
Why must we instinctively compare everything and everyone around us to our standards. We live in a world of judgments which lead to nothing but further confusion and uncertainty.



~down on its knees true love did fall~

"I'll Keep You My Dirty Little Secret"

I love literature of all kinds... and lately, lyrics have been at the top of my favourite kinds of literature.

At times, it seems almost as if you are the subject of their words...

~Punk Rock Princess~
Maybe when I'm done with thinking,
Maybe you can think me whole.
Maybe when I'm done with endings
This can begin, this can begin
This can begin.


And other times you are inspired but what others have learned and are now passing on to the world...

~I Hope You Dance~
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance


And other times, when reading these words, you are reminded of amazing things, that at times seem so far off and almost fake...

~I can only Imagine~
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

Writing of any kind has a uniqueness to it that influences me in so many ways, and at times it makes me wish that i lived in the world of fiction... like my very own fairy tale.


~there is only one place where you can dream as big as the sky~

Tis the Season

Now that it is December, the media has begun to impress upon the urgencies of completing our Christmas shopping. Radio stations, malls, movies, tv etc. have commenced the continual Christmas music, Seasonal Greetings and reminders of how many shopping days remain... dun dun dun

I went to the mall today and shopped for nearly 3 hours... but to no avail! It seems that our material-loving world is gaining nothing by its over produce of objects, and to top it all off, as the prices grow, the quality diminishes! Our world is becoming trash, and they are forcing us to pay extra for it!

Once in a while, however, you are fortunate to formulate a special gift idea in your mind... but once you begin making it happen you discover that there is a flaw in your plans... it is nearly impossible to create something wonderful out of a trash-world. Oh the irony...


~why change something that was already so good?~