Locked In

It has happened twice now in just over a week- as if the world is their's, they are free to roam and do as they wish.

The first time Misty and I saw it coming- well partially. Because of the nature of this certain individual, when we see him coming down the street, we tend to close the blinds, turn off the TV, and lock the doors (much to our guest's amusement). Generally, these actions are done in vain. This time, however, he did turn up our walkaway, and walked with purpose up our steps and in the front door- or at least he would have had we not just locked it moments before.

He tried to WALK into our house! Who does that!

Ok, some people do that, but those are the special people in your life that you trust and actually want in your house!

(there is, of course, a story which follows his attempted entry, but that is not the point of this anecdote)

Today, once again Misty and I were resting in our living room. Suddenly we heard footsteps coming up the front stairs. We were confused as Erin was napping, Kara was away for the weekend, and neither of us were expecting anyone.

We sat waiting for the knock. But it never came- instead the doorknob turned and the door rattled as the unknown visitor attempted to open our door! When he couldn't get in, he walked back down the stairs and along the sidewalk away from our house.

Upon recovering from the initial shock, I peered through the window to see who our almost-visitor was. I did not recognize the man. *shiver*

~not open for business~

Over and Over Again

Have you ever been so lost?

Known the way and still so lost?

Lost- Katy Perry

Take a look around, are you where you want to be? Are you where you feel you should be? Have you strayed far from the intended path, or are you still within arms' reach?

I'm abandoned in the heart of the ocean, with nothing but water and horizon surrounding me. Somewhere in the unknown lies a floatation device once intended as my solace. Could I not catch, or the other not throw? Wherever the fault lies, it has left me fruitlessly kicking and sputtering. No sign of aid or chance for relief.

The end result inevitably lies deep within

~deep, dark, and dangerous~

Consider this an Invitation

extend to me your heart, express the words upon your vessels. this street has no restrictions in direction. i am fuelled by your words, encouraged by your attention, and am desperate for more.

more than an audience, i long for you to engage in my activities. for this is all for you- my venture towards giving you an element of myself. it contains my heart and all i hold dear.

~declare a contribution~

"You don't need a man- you need a champion"

Watch Me Fall

Come undone like a string on a sweater
That you pull but you know better
But doing what you shouldn't's half the fun

We Run- Sugarland

The forbidden, mysterious, and unexpected- an enticing endeavour I can't help but partake in. The end results are virtually certain pain, and yet I am not deterred. Magnify the negative, admix the questionable with detrimental and watch as my enthusiasm escalate. Delight extends along with the ultimate torment.

However, instilled deep within rests that which has yet to be satisfied.

The notion of decent, noble, and respectable stirs an anticipation I have yet to find riveting. Ultimately I long for one of superior quality, however more must be satisfied along with that longing.

~entice with mystique and reverence (and a pinch of danger)~

Bond with Me

This year Erin and I are pleased to welcome 2 new roommates into our house! Misty (whom I have previously mentioned) and Kara (a new character in my anecdotes).

Yesterday the 4 of us had some most wonderful opportunities for quality roommate bonding. We began with a rather thorough purge of our basement. Apparently those who cam before us felt it acceptable to leave behind bags, boxes, and piles of their junk (and when I say junk, I mean literally- junk) behind when they moved. Old TVs, suitcases of papers, and bags of clothes.

The most interesting find of the day was a sealed container with all writing in german. For some unexplainable reason, Erin and Misty decided to open it... Kara and I did not get a chance to look inside due to the lightning speed of Misty upon Erin's first gag- apparently it was food... at some point.

Later, in a truly girl-fashion we celebrate out cleansing. This included slurpies, coconut rum, music, and lots of clothes... Sorry, that is all I'm at liberty to say (some people claim i have a 'big mouth', and I'm trying to fight that reputation).

In conclusion... I enjoy my roommates

~for the entertainment of the neighbours~

Role the Dice

Since yesterday I have probably listened to Faith over a dozen times (I tend to have on obsessive personality at times...). This repetition allows for a more precise examination of the different words and ideas in the song. While there are a number of lines that ignite some sort of reaction or emotion in me, the one most deafening right now is "'cause I've got to have faith"

what is it that I should have faith in? in love itself? or in the one these feelings are directed to?

I am not a gambler- when it comes to taking risks I'm exceptionally conservative. When it comes to putting my heart on the line... I lack the faith and trust in every aspect. Though I get emotionally evolved, it is rare that I allow for anything more to happen.

A boy once told me that you have to allow yourself to fall in love. At the time I disagreed, but it didn't take him long to teach me that if I was going to survive in the world, I must have control of that- a girl can only endure so much pain.

~can one have faith in something they aren't sure exists?~

Common Ground

Driving home from school today I heard the song Faith by George Michaels on the radio. I hadn't heard it in a while, but there were a few verses that stuck out- they seemed to speak to me and my current bearings.

Some of these communicative lyrics are:

But I've got to think twice

Before I give my heart away

And I know all the games you play

Because I play them too

Oh but I

Need some time off from that emotion

Time to pick my heart up off the floor

And when that love comes down

Without devotion

Well it takes a strong man baby

But I'm showing you the door

'Cause I gotta have fait...

Before this river

Becomes an ocean

Before you throw my heart back on the floor

Oh baby I reconsider

My foolish notion

Well I need someone to hold me

But I'll wait for something more

Yes I've got to have faith...

Everyone has struggles, but it's nice to know we aren't alone in them. Just as this song talks of trouble with love, I feel as if I'm trying to escape that tornado of emotions.

For all those out there paddling through similar waters, my heart goes out to you. We will band together- even if just in spirit- for strength and support.

~to be alone~

I have only a blank expression

what has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun

Ecclesiastes 1:9

I need a pillow to scream into, and a magic 8 ball- I need direction.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel as I seem to continually arrive at the same points. I'm getting frustrated having to deal with this issue again. Is this necessary? Is there not a new mountain for me to scale?

But wait, maybe my problem- why I repeatedly find myself in this place- is that this issue hasn't actually been dealt with.

I know I'm passive and tend to avoid conflict, confrontations, or causing anyone pain, but could it be that I'm unwilling even to confront myself...

Lauren- how do you feel? what do you want?

~perhaps I should move to the dark side of the moon~

I never claimed to be governed by logic

Life is full of unanswered questions. No matter how hard we may try, and how deep we may dig, some things are just not meant for us to know.

It has been for a time now that I have wondered over a question I thought unexplainable. Sure there have always been theories, but those never completely satisfied me.

The question to which I am referring is that of girls' (specifically mine) infatuation and ever present attraction to jerks.

This summer, however, after falling yet again for the jerks' charm, I believe I have gained some valuable insight (at least into my own personal struggle).

When with a guy, a girl (me) just wants to feel special. The thing about jerks is, they treat everyone like shit, so all it takes is for him to treat me just a little bit differently.

He can still treat me terribly, but if it is still of a higher standard than everyone else, then at least I am receiving special treatment.

Compare this to a nice guy- he's nice to everyone, so when he treats me the same way, how is that anything notable?

~just because I understand my weakness does not mean I can rectify it~