If You Could Have Her Tonight

Thankfully my path is headed elsewhere
such things no longer interest me
it is for those serious folks
concerned with truth evermore

their unwillingness to commit
means little to me
as i strived to indicate earlier
i don't care if you love me


there is no pain in play
what is time in being wanted
everyone has their terms
apparently mine are just un-secure


~no commitment~

The Reason for Love

There is always some madness in love. But there is also some reason in madness ~Nietzche

There comes a time when you can give no reasonable explanation for an action, a feeling, or a belief. It is what it is and that's the truth. The whys of the matter don't seem to matter, or exist. You search deeper, trying to expose a hidden secret, to unearth a long-lost mystery many have died in attempts to discover. And yet, clueless and unreasonably rapt you remain.

Is it in the touch, the smell, the butterflies, or the familiarity. Voice, wind, breath, gaze. Is help available- is help required?
Obviously I am unaccompanied in this trance, ergo new goal. Afraid to move on, and hesitant to stay.


Because tonight will be the night that i will fall for you over again 
- Secondhand Serenade


~impossible to find~

The Course

What The Hell- Avril Lavigne

You say that I'm messing with your head
All cause I was making out with your friend
Love hurts whether it's right or wrong
I can't stop cause I'm having too much fun

You're on your knees
Begging please stay with me
But honestly, I just need to be a little crazy

All my life I've been good,
but now I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me of you hate me
You can save me, baby, baby
All my life I've been good
But now whoaaaaa What The Hell

So what it I go on a million dates
You never call or listen to me anyway
I'd rather rage than sit around and wait all day
Don't get me wrong
I just need some time to play

All my life I've been good,
But now I'm thinking What The Hell
All I want is to mess around

And I don't really care about
If you love me if you hate me
You can save me
Baby, baby all my life I've been good
But now whoaaaa What The Hell

You say that I'm messing with your head
Boy, I like messing in your bed
Yeah, I'm messing with your head whenI'm messing with you in bed


~learning~

can't go back

Naive and impressionable, i declared all. You claimed prior knowledge, but appreciated the truth. Now what of it? To what end did i envision upon my confession? To be swept up in passion, forgetting the world. Logic, propriety, and ordinance slip our minds and actions.
we wish

I want to see you, but the earth's rotation continues to pull us apart.

But you held your pride like you should have held me
- Taylor Swift, The Story of Us

Chemistry

there's a current in the room-
the world is mindful
all eyes focused on us-
we're oblivious
our surroundings blur
the voices subside to a mumble
nothing else matters

a conquering attraction
devastating the surrounding
with no endeavour
an equal want
but understanding of impossible
the realities of the world
still hold true
I'm still me
and you're still you

change of course

It's the way she's grabbing my jeans, and she pulls me in closer- I don't even know her. It's too damn hot, I don't want to stop. Case I came in here with an innocent girl, but this girl is not.
"Anything But Innocent" Heartbreak City


It's a feeling i can't shake
a desire i can't escape
we all have an image
a reputation to uphold
but i need to breakout

Bonds that tie me down
stipulations that impede me
propriety as my only beacon
excluding the chance for change
opportunities for adventure

You grow through pain
wrong paths lead us there
but living with no freedom
disallows such wanderings
and all potential growth is ravaged


~where my hands may lead me~

All You Gotta Do

Your fairy tale couldn't get much worse
You're a broken bird and we all know
We can win you over, With just a kiss on the neck
-Kiss On The Neck David Cook

It's dangerous, the power you hold. With just a "good morning", quick glance, or soft touch I'm begging for more. My life source, my oxygen, my chocolate. Not a choice, but a need. Feeding the very depths of dreams, passions, and desires. Can I call it an over flowing, when flood is more accurate. Sink or swim I heed no warnings. Stubborn and hooked.

~look closer for the hidden message~

Say to You

If you knew my heart, our worlds would be forever altered. A change would pass over us so powerful and true, transformation would be inevitable. From new eyes you would see me. My heart, cut open and exposed on the table, with nothing more for the imagination to ponder.
All questions, fears and desires detailed and declared. Holding nothing back, ignoring the screams of fear and panic.

The important thing is that you know.

Your response I can imagine as nothing more than abhorrence. All feelings of attachment, broken. All sense of fondness dissolved in my full-discloser. For me to hope for something more is naive. A child with dreams of shining armour and a white horse, as if that Fairy Tale was for me, as if my sharing would further this. When reality finds me dropped and forgotten.


~Ignore my emotions, emotions are dumb; surfing the channels till my senses are numb, shorten my attention span- I should think like a man

A Canary's Life

Living, grasping, dreaming. Perched on the tip of a delusion. Nothing more or less comes my way, yet here I remain- transfixed in the memories. They feed my current state. Wondering what awaits me around the next bend, yet completely unprepared for the reality.

Hiding, lying, fearing- all I aim to forsake. To the end, where chocolate and illusion coalesce and are eager to comfort. Upon the horizon emerges a change, deep crimson scarlet, the blood shed of a broken heart. A heart with all and nothing. Captured and released- a fisherman's sport. The gold unable to comply.

I lap, for the sea embraces my heart, a dream worth recalling.
I need that impulse to push me over the edge, past the hurdles. Rules mean nothing here, except gravity. Promise, love, and time will pass away.


~living the dream~

Thanks for Noticing

When I was in the 6th grade, I was in a class with the grade 7s and 8s. I remember one time we put on this french cafe for the community (I think to raise money for a trip), so we were required to wear black pants and a white top.

I recall doing some set up one day, and 3 of the boys from grade 7 and 8 called me over. After blushing and making my way to them (I was seriously shy) they asked, "Lauren, are you anorexic?" Just what an already nervous, self-conscious girl wants to be asked by older (and popular) boys.

It was an understandable mistake, as a preteen (and even into my teens) my friends teased me for having no curves (literally) and I was relatively skinny. Plus the tight black pants didn't help my case.


And boys wonder why girls are self conscious about their bodies- it's not always because they have extra weight. The smallest, seemingly insignificant comment can  be remembered for years!
Of course, positive remarks (though often less common) can also be remembered and influential.


Today in class, I was passing a table of 3 boys, and I heard my name so I turned to look at them and found them looking at me. I blushed and turned, not knowing the exact topic of conversation, but being fairly certain of the topic.

Later, as I was preparing to go home, the same boy that said my name earlier, asked if I was going home to work out. I told him I might to pilates... He then proceeded with "Well good for you, cause while everyone else gained weight, you lost, and you look fantastic"
*blush*

Now maybe this is vain, or shallow (or both), but knowing that I look good, and it's noticeable, motivates me to work harder and look better.


~the seemingly simplest comments can have severe consequences~

After Years of Experience

I was driving through the snow and frost to church Sunday morning. Though the snowbanks obstruct the smaller car's view, and the ice frosts the windows lightly, I saw my way clearly. The tire tracks in the snow show me where it's safe to drive, and what to avoid.

Up ahead of me, a car pulled out across the road, through the snow and drifts. There were other cars coming quickly (well as quick as possible in the current weather conditions) behind the car that pulled out. He also pulled out fairly close to me!

Normally this wouldn't bother me much, however, I thought that it was rather risky in the present weather- so I honked!

It was only milliseconds after having honked that I realized the cars that the jerk had pulled in front of had all stopped, not for that car, but for the red light. I was driving through a red light.


I felt like an idiot. How many times had I driven that strip before, I knew there was a traffic light there. Plus my window was clear, I was scanning and doing everything I should've been doing to be safe. And yet, I made a crucial error.

Funny how at times you think you can see things so clearly, that you have a better view of the situation than those around you. But then reality smacks you in the face. It knocks you down, and throws snow in your face in an attempt to wake you up- too open your eyes and look at the truth of the situation.



~I can see clearly now- I've been a fool~

Snowed In

Sitting on the cusp of change and excitement; plans and ideas surround me with anticipation. I want this, I look forward to this, each night I dream of this. Maybe not a portrayal of something better, but keeping me on my toes.

I'll plan as much as I'd like. Place it on my mantel, admire and desire it. A romantic notion.
The ultimate reality is, it's a futile endeavour. The snow will come. The wind will come. The clouds will come. Then, more snow. But the snow ploughs will not.

And the plans are never fulfilled.

~wrapped in blankets rather than your arms~

the Words Speak Louder than the Music

"Now I only have myself to blame, for falling for your stupid games, I wish my life had been the way it was before I saw your face"

In the world of music, lyrics speak much meaning to me. Throughout all areas of my life I find myself associating songs to people and situations.

When it comes to boys, I have an entire soundtrack! Many of them have more than one song, "dedicated" to them (from me). Unfortunately -for them- they aren't typically happy or positive songs. Does that make me a horrible person?

It may have something to do with the fact that I tend to enjoy bitter or angry songs more than any other type. Or perhaps I enjoy angry bitter songs because of the boys...

~I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale, I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell~

Sparks Fly

I think this song was written for me, or at the very least parts of it. It speaks right to me, and my situation.  That's one thing about Taylor Swift, her lyrics are real, and something that her fans can truly relate to. 


The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards
You say my name for the first time, baby, and I
Fall in love in an empty bar

And you stood there in front of me just
Close enough to touch
Close enough to hope you couldn't see
What I was thinking of

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
So reach out open handed
And lead me out to that floor
Well, I don't need more paper lanterns

Take me down, baby bring on the movie star
'Cause my heart is beating fast
And you are beautiful I could wait patiently
But I really wish you would

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
I run my fingers through your hair
And watch the lights go out
Just keep your beautiful eyes on me

Gonna strike this match tonight
Lead me up the staircase
Won't you whisper soft and slow
I'd love to hate it
But you make it like a fireworks show

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Sparks fly, baby smile, sparks fly






~sorry you're down $20~

the Truth

a burning sensation i'm unable to extinguish. the source of which i am far too familiar with. avoidance accomplishes little, as my heart and mind never align. logic over instinct scarcely succeeds. for i am emotional and irrational -a lethal combination in the heart of a girl.


~where's a Fire Fighter when you need'm~

Better Than Sleep

Lately I have thoroughly enjoyed the "haiku" style of poetry. I am aware that I am not following all the strict rules of the art, but when it comes to expressing myself I don't believe in restrictions. So here is a series of haiku-styled (to save myself from any Puritan that feels the need to verbally attack my writing) verses I wrote last night in bed rather than sleep.




Love me dangerously
Be strong, passionate and daring
A force to be reckoned with


Let nothing stop you
Push me up against the wall
Your desire's mine


Delight me violently
Cover my body with you
Lust fulfilled with love


The world's against us
So let our hearts turn rebel
And love without fear


~But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.~

You

something fresh 'n new
intriguing beyond all else
and way off limits

it Suits you

Change does not dictate better. The altering of one's ideas or behaviour is not necessarily for the enhancement of their life. The old may excel in light of the revised. Through different eyes gleams fresh colours. And light can fade.

Walking on towards my unconventional end, envisaging a slow demise. A collapse thronged with excitement and novelty, gossip and rumours, judgement and scrutiny. But be confident, disregard the world's perception as they are governed by lust, power, and self.

Change is inevitable and constant. One day dark, another light, the next retiring from shades all together. I see nothing I require in what I fancy, and yet my resiliency falters. My sight narrows and becomes focused.

~an alteration of kind~

Suit yourself, Tie me up

Over time I have become aware of my tendency of attraction towards a certain type of guy. I do not aim for these specific characteristics to tempt me beyond all else. In fact, these qualities are ones I have been advised to "get over" as they lead to pain and heartache. But like an avalanche racing down the hill, desire is hard to control, and nearly impossible to deny.

But, change is in the air. Whether this be permanent or not my course has shifted, even just slightly. I wonder to where I now wander. I wonder to what I aspire.
I wonder, wander, and fear. Dream, desire, and aspire.

~cover all traces~

Even Still

my heart strings flutter

and race with intention

my face flushes

and burns with passion

my mind rushes 

with possibility and ideas.
my heart skipped a beat.

i'm hot and excited,

nervous and aroused.

to want, is not to need

but to live with purpose.

~wind me up, and let me go~

A Mind to Read

A mind would be worth reading, I presume, especially if they all operated in a similar style as mine. I don't intend to sound haughty, but I am often vastly entertained by all that takes place up there.
The conversations, yelling, attempts at logic, inside (literally) jokes- they're fascinating! From the way others speak, I believe that my thoughts and ideas are astonishingly unique!

However, I believe that the way people portray themselves to the outside world often does not coincide with their inner thoughts and actions-  it is not just me! I am not the only one with something to contribute here.

While it would be intimate beyond repair to open up my mind to someone, I humbly feel that it would be interesting, entertaining, and perhaps even educational to some degree!


~living in a world of few~

Lick n' Spit

I have my computer (yet to be named) set to tell me the time on the hour. It has a mock-robotic sound to it, and tends to echo through the room.
Erin hates this noise. She shudders, jumps and squirms each, and every time it resonates through the room. Normally when she is in the room, I laugh to myself, and mute it. My intentions to be a good roommate, and respectful of other's feelings, but still find pleasure in the small things.

Today, I paid for those simple pleasures.
I brought my laptop to class to assist me in remaining conscious (by working on lesson plans of course!).  At about 1 minute to 3 I took out my laptop in preparation of taking notes and beginning my lesson plans. Within a moment my computer rang-out- "it's 3 o'clock". And with that, 70 faces turned in my direction.

For those of you who aren't personally familiar with me, I rarely (if ever) enjoy being the centre of attention. So when these 140 eyes turned to me I blushed. I turned red enough to stop traffic, and my face was hot enough to heat my house.
Of course it didn't help when one of my fellow students (a rather cute one I might add) commented on it, and laughed- a lot!


~next time come closer and say that to me~

Ready for a Fight

The world and our culture is not concerned with true love like so many sources suggest. Sure our culture is obsessed with weddings, we have dating sites flooding the internet, and romantic comedies with all the biggest stars, but while they are feeding the romantic's heart, they are also filling the pockets of higher powers. They are exploiting our hearts for their gain. 

In the media and in hollywood we see love and relationships as disposable, on the grounds of dissatisfaction. Worth is placed not on commitment and perseverance, but on self-contenment. But can one ever be happy with something that is easy- something that required no sacrifice or fight? 

Portraying a love life of perfection rather than actuality fuels discontentment from our vulnerable -and rather naive- world.

~till death [of the honeymoon stage] do we part~

A Call-Out

You with the great heart
open and willing to share
persuade my folly.

You with the deep soul
where clear truth surely abounds
entice my misdeeds.

You with the pure motive
shaped not by our corrupt world
excite my lost heart.

You saved by His grace
set straight my wandering path
and take my numb hand.


~all others release me~

Sweet Success?

Erin and I went out last night with a mission- get a guy to buy us a drink. Never before have we had a stranger just buy us a drink and we thought this would be an acceptable goal for our evening. With just the two of us, no one would have to learn of our failures and rejection if we fell flat on our face and so only our pride and self-confidence would be bruised.

Upon arriving at our chosen destination, we stood by the bar to set out our strategy. While deep in discussion and leaning against one of the bars, two boys (men?) came to the bar on either side of us. They ordered drinks, and then began talking to each other over/through (they weren't that tall) us. Erin pulled me away from the bar sub-consciously in order to allow their conversation to be un-obstructed by our presence.

So we stepped away from the bar, continuing our conversation. The next thing we knew, one of these previously mentioned boys/men handed Erin a shot. We both looked at it, and then the boys/men with disbelief. Upon recovering, Erin asks, "what about one for my friend here" motioning to me. They smiled and told us it was coming.
Success?
Success! (though I fear success isn't nearly as sweet as it would be if we had to work for it...)

We stayed talking with these members of the male sex for a while longer, and in doing so received two more shots, each.
While they seemed nice enough, they weren't enough to keep us hanging around. Though we fervently thank them for the drinks and confidence boost, we wish them all the best in their future endeavours.

~we didn't even have to wear lingerie~