A Call-Out

You with the great heart
open and willing to share
persuade my folly.

You with the deep soul
where clear truth surely abounds
entice my misdeeds.

You with the pure motive
shaped not by our corrupt world
excite my lost heart.

You saved by His grace
set straight my wandering path
and take my numb hand.


~all others release me~

Sweet Success?

Erin and I went out last night with a mission- get a guy to buy us a drink. Never before have we had a stranger just buy us a drink and we thought this would be an acceptable goal for our evening. With just the two of us, no one would have to learn of our failures and rejection if we fell flat on our face and so only our pride and self-confidence would be bruised.

Upon arriving at our chosen destination, we stood by the bar to set out our strategy. While deep in discussion and leaning against one of the bars, two boys (men?) came to the bar on either side of us. They ordered drinks, and then began talking to each other over/through (they weren't that tall) us. Erin pulled me away from the bar sub-consciously in order to allow their conversation to be un-obstructed by our presence.

So we stepped away from the bar, continuing our conversation. The next thing we knew, one of these previously mentioned boys/men handed Erin a shot. We both looked at it, and then the boys/men with disbelief. Upon recovering, Erin asks, "what about one for my friend here" motioning to me. They smiled and told us it was coming.
Success?
Success! (though I fear success isn't nearly as sweet as it would be if we had to work for it...)

We stayed talking with these members of the male sex for a while longer, and in doing so received two more shots, each.
While they seemed nice enough, they weren't enough to keep us hanging around. Though we fervently thank them for the drinks and confidence boost, we wish them all the best in their future endeavours.

~we didn't even have to wear lingerie~

Alluring Shadows

Coerce me into the shadows
impel me away from the crowd.
manipulate me with your wiles.

Your hands, your lips, your breath
envelope and overwhelm me
as I gasp for air.

Hidden away from judging eyes
you want me, and I you
so take me- into the shadows.

Our secret ventures intrigue me
your eager lips arouse me
immerse me in delirious ardour.

~rough seduction~

Trading Spaces

Yesterday I discoursed about the perpetual habit of holding place upon the agonizing course. The fear and pain that accompany each failed attempt, but which never seems to be enough to end the cycle.

When crawling into bed last night, however, I realized that I have a slightly divergent habit (perhaps more detrimental than riding this unremitting train).

Me- rather than traveling from station to station and testing several locations, I tend to recurrently revert to an old, familiar stop. A stop that is not perfect- but comfortable. A location with faults, but manageable.
Though the time I spend at this stop is satisfying, I often feel as if there is something more. At times I look around and think all that is needed is a basic renovation. Other times I fear I may need a new location all together.

~a different kind of cycle~

Straight Out of My Mind (or Worse)

To subject one's self to such humiliation and near certain pain can only be defined as masochistic. Pigs to the slaughter, they flock to the source. The result is boasted and desired, but rarely met. Instead, after an interval of tears and recuperation, they return- a bit more broken, a bit more jaded, a bit more desperate- prepared this time for success.

Sense is lacking, hearts are hurting, and hormones raging. The desired is imagined but never met. Each failure sparks a hidden vigor, longing for success, praying this is the final endeavour.


I tumble down this slope head over heals. Blinded by the movement, disorientated by the crowd. In attempt to pick through the array, I experiment with the impossible, finding myself bewildered by the outcome. Sense is replaced with heart, reality by hormones.

~out of the fire and into the fire again, you make me want to forget and start all over~

If My Heart Had A Voice

There comes a time when you have to admit certain things- declare your baggage and open up your heart. The idea of it seems easy enough. You can rehearse in your head and with a friend. I have a tendency of writing it out (at least in point form, to make sure I have not forgotten any important details).
But when the time finally comes to share my hands get clammy, my arms are suddenly covered with goosebumps, and my stomach cramps. It is as if the very idea of opening myself up- making myself vulnerable- is horrendous, stupid, and wild.

I am told that over time, and with 'practice' such exertions become easier. Well it has been approximately 9 years that I have been working on these improvements and I have yet feel any sort of enhancement. And it most certainly is not more manageable. The very thought of still haunts my dreams as well as waking hours.

Is this really a practice that will enrich my life (and relationships)? When/if I begin to practice these actions more often, will I eventually feel as if I've accomplished something? Or will I always feel this way?


~I'm ok with faking it~

How Do I Say This

A girl can make as many claims as she wishes, the point of the matter is whether it is based on fact or fantasy. Strength and control is an image I wish to portray, at times that requires a twist of the truth with a dash of exaggeration. But the image prevails.

Claiming indifference restores face. To pine is to show weakness and arouses pity. Ergo I stand here unperturbed. Either option suits me...

There are times when I hesitate. But in this, I know my answer.

~got the Poker Face~

Secrets

Every girl's got one [or more]. Whether they lie in the excluded details or undivulged accounts, they reside deep within her heart.

Misty and Erin interrogate me on my secrets. Some details were shared.
Now, Misty wonders by what means these ends were reached? She desires a tutorial, of sorts, of my 'arts'. Funny, I did not know I was an artist.
I ponder on the actions which lead to the events of interest. I stumbled upon only one deliberate (or was it?) behaviour on my part- being discretely forward. Let it be known what you want, without being audacious or facile. Plant those ideas and watch them bloom, then be prepared to [thoroughly] enjoy the crop.

Ideas hold more worth when you believe they are yours. So scatter your seeds about, and keep vigil. For the time will come when those secrets will be yours to hold.


-it's like a carrot on a tall pole-

Straight from my Lips to my Hips

I have never really been the type to care about calories. But there comes a time in everyone's life when they need to start considering the consequences of their actions.

As everyone is well aware, I love chocolate. Mostly all chocolate. But there is one chocolate I favour above others. That type of chocolate, however, which enchants me above all else, also happens to be the one that will provoke the most pain and misfortune.
The paradox of simultaneous pleasure and pain plagues even the strongest stomachs, bodies and minds. One can prepare mentally and physically for such a venture for days... but the result is inevitable. Those calories (apparently) can be devastating.

Whether these cautions will alter your view (or mine) is yet to be determined.  But as you place that creamy chocolate to your lips... remember the state of your hips.


~the voice of your hands~

Just a Girl with Heart

"Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions"

-Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love)

Infamous for our emotions we crave for escape. But escape to what? A life void of sentiment... What is thinking with no feeling? For without it, thoughts lack truth and meaning. Authenticity is achieved through sentimental value.

Men criticize us, saying we lack logic; women complain that men are deficient of feeling.

What dictates truth? And where may it be encountered?

Shall I strive for freedom and change, or seek to perfect my methods?

Drive me on, compel my endeavours and inspire my thoughts.

To feel is to live. To feel pain is to love.

-I feel it all-

Please Poke my Eyes Out

It seems to be time to give our neighbour a nickname. The one that pops into my head, as well as my roommates' is "Ugly Naked Guy." Yes I know that this is not an original name, but lately I have learned that it is beyond appropriate.

The other morning I came into the kitchen for some breakfast before heading off to school. I was at the sink (getting water I think, but the reason isn't important) and I happened to glance up through the window.

I was nearly sick.

For there, in the lit-up room, spread-eagle on top of his covers was out neighbour- entirely naked. Embarrassed, and feeling extremely uncomfortable I turned away from the sink and avoided the window for the remainder of the morning.

I hoped and prayed that this would be an isolated incident. I was wrong.

That afternoon when I returned home and was sharing this scaring experience with Misty, she informed me that she had been the victim of a similar episode this afternoon.

This is far from acceptable, and is most definitely not welcome. Perhaps in other circumstances, where he does not deserve the nickname "Ugly Naked Guy". But unfortunately, life is rarely that perfect.

-sometimes it is important to look at ourselves in the mirror-

Caught

to detect the eagerness of water lapping against the exposed

projects more than tremors across the expanse

increase the rate, the rhythm, the contact

never to drown among the surging volume

but instead grow in authority and magnitude.

a lust too dangerous to abdicate

a desire exceeding that of mere want

a push, a pull, an uncontrollable urge

take me under, drink me up, imbibe all that i am

you are life, and death, and amid

~in a wave~

He Likes it With the Lights On

I've shared stories about GCG before- you know, our lovely neighbour that enjoys girl-on-girl porn at 7:30 in the morning and refuses to close his blinds, even when he's undressing.

Well, it has been months since we have seen him, at one point this spring it appeared that he was packing up, and we thought that he was leaving/we scared him away.

It seemed for a while (of course I was gone for the summer, so this is merely my view of things) that the room would remain unused.

A few weeks ago, however, when I came home late one night, I noticed that the lights were on and on the bed lay sleeping a new guy.

I thought it weird that the lights would be on, and he would be sleeping. My conclusion was that he did not mean to fall asleep, and the lights on was an accident.

This apparent accident however, seems to be more of a habit. I happen across him sleeping-with the lights on-about 3 times a week!

It makes me wonder- what is it he gains by sleeping with the light on, other than creating a clear view into his room?

~cause who doesn't love an audience~

a tear falls

Everyone has expectations. mine- are they unrealistic, absurd, and ridiculous? apparently much of what i want is not what i need. everyone around me has opinions on the matter, most of which contradict my attitude.

Does this make me wrong, or them?

Let me make my mistakes- not yours. share your thoughts, but don't force my hand. it is not a tour guide or dictator i need- but an equal, a friend.

so cast away your dominant thoughts and walk down a strange path.

~let me live, learn, and cry~

like a flower

my best intentions rest beside me

once destined to spurn me on-

inspire me to a better future-

and now so deftly discarded

it remains a forgotten reverie

which i have no desire to recall

they imagine they know best

and preach what they know not

i, the choir, wish you well- elsewhere

let me be down my path of insanity

i know little, and wish to remain

a beauty in danger of destruction

~free from your pot~

p.s. check out the song Courage (feat. Lacey from Flyleaf) by Orianthi, and share your thoughts!

Locked In

It has happened twice now in just over a week- as if the world is their's, they are free to roam and do as they wish.

The first time Misty and I saw it coming- well partially. Because of the nature of this certain individual, when we see him coming down the street, we tend to close the blinds, turn off the TV, and lock the doors (much to our guest's amusement). Generally, these actions are done in vain. This time, however, he did turn up our walkaway, and walked with purpose up our steps and in the front door- or at least he would have had we not just locked it moments before.

He tried to WALK into our house! Who does that!

Ok, some people do that, but those are the special people in your life that you trust and actually want in your house!

(there is, of course, a story which follows his attempted entry, but that is not the point of this anecdote)

Today, once again Misty and I were resting in our living room. Suddenly we heard footsteps coming up the front stairs. We were confused as Erin was napping, Kara was away for the weekend, and neither of us were expecting anyone.

We sat waiting for the knock. But it never came- instead the doorknob turned and the door rattled as the unknown visitor attempted to open our door! When he couldn't get in, he walked back down the stairs and along the sidewalk away from our house.

Upon recovering from the initial shock, I peered through the window to see who our almost-visitor was. I did not recognize the man. *shiver*

~not open for business~

Over and Over Again

Have you ever been so lost?

Known the way and still so lost?

Lost- Katy Perry

Take a look around, are you where you want to be? Are you where you feel you should be? Have you strayed far from the intended path, or are you still within arms' reach?

I'm abandoned in the heart of the ocean, with nothing but water and horizon surrounding me. Somewhere in the unknown lies a floatation device once intended as my solace. Could I not catch, or the other not throw? Wherever the fault lies, it has left me fruitlessly kicking and sputtering. No sign of aid or chance for relief.

The end result inevitably lies deep within

~deep, dark, and dangerous~

Consider this an Invitation

extend to me your heart, express the words upon your vessels. this street has no restrictions in direction. i am fuelled by your words, encouraged by your attention, and am desperate for more.

more than an audience, i long for you to engage in my activities. for this is all for you- my venture towards giving you an element of myself. it contains my heart and all i hold dear.

~declare a contribution~

"You don't need a man- you need a champion"

Watch Me Fall

Come undone like a string on a sweater
That you pull but you know better
But doing what you shouldn't's half the fun

We Run- Sugarland

The forbidden, mysterious, and unexpected- an enticing endeavour I can't help but partake in. The end results are virtually certain pain, and yet I am not deterred. Magnify the negative, admix the questionable with detrimental and watch as my enthusiasm escalate. Delight extends along with the ultimate torment.

However, instilled deep within rests that which has yet to be satisfied.

The notion of decent, noble, and respectable stirs an anticipation I have yet to find riveting. Ultimately I long for one of superior quality, however more must be satisfied along with that longing.

~entice with mystique and reverence (and a pinch of danger)~

Bond with Me

This year Erin and I are pleased to welcome 2 new roommates into our house! Misty (whom I have previously mentioned) and Kara (a new character in my anecdotes).

Yesterday the 4 of us had some most wonderful opportunities for quality roommate bonding. We began with a rather thorough purge of our basement. Apparently those who cam before us felt it acceptable to leave behind bags, boxes, and piles of their junk (and when I say junk, I mean literally- junk) behind when they moved. Old TVs, suitcases of papers, and bags of clothes.

The most interesting find of the day was a sealed container with all writing in german. For some unexplainable reason, Erin and Misty decided to open it... Kara and I did not get a chance to look inside due to the lightning speed of Misty upon Erin's first gag- apparently it was food... at some point.

Later, in a truly girl-fashion we celebrate out cleansing. This included slurpies, coconut rum, music, and lots of clothes... Sorry, that is all I'm at liberty to say (some people claim i have a 'big mouth', and I'm trying to fight that reputation).

In conclusion... I enjoy my roommates

~for the entertainment of the neighbours~

Role the Dice

Since yesterday I have probably listened to Faith over a dozen times (I tend to have on obsessive personality at times...). This repetition allows for a more precise examination of the different words and ideas in the song. While there are a number of lines that ignite some sort of reaction or emotion in me, the one most deafening right now is "'cause I've got to have faith"

what is it that I should have faith in? in love itself? or in the one these feelings are directed to?

I am not a gambler- when it comes to taking risks I'm exceptionally conservative. When it comes to putting my heart on the line... I lack the faith and trust in every aspect. Though I get emotionally evolved, it is rare that I allow for anything more to happen.

A boy once told me that you have to allow yourself to fall in love. At the time I disagreed, but it didn't take him long to teach me that if I was going to survive in the world, I must have control of that- a girl can only endure so much pain.

~can one have faith in something they aren't sure exists?~

Common Ground

Driving home from school today I heard the song Faith by George Michaels on the radio. I hadn't heard it in a while, but there were a few verses that stuck out- they seemed to speak to me and my current bearings.

Some of these communicative lyrics are:

But I've got to think twice

Before I give my heart away

And I know all the games you play

Because I play them too

Oh but I

Need some time off from that emotion

Time to pick my heart up off the floor

And when that love comes down

Without devotion

Well it takes a strong man baby

But I'm showing you the door

'Cause I gotta have fait...

Before this river

Becomes an ocean

Before you throw my heart back on the floor

Oh baby I reconsider

My foolish notion

Well I need someone to hold me

But I'll wait for something more

Yes I've got to have faith...

Everyone has struggles, but it's nice to know we aren't alone in them. Just as this song talks of trouble with love, I feel as if I'm trying to escape that tornado of emotions.

For all those out there paddling through similar waters, my heart goes out to you. We will band together- even if just in spirit- for strength and support.

~to be alone~

I have only a blank expression

what has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun

Ecclesiastes 1:9

I need a pillow to scream into, and a magic 8 ball- I need direction.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel as I seem to continually arrive at the same points. I'm getting frustrated having to deal with this issue again. Is this necessary? Is there not a new mountain for me to scale?

But wait, maybe my problem- why I repeatedly find myself in this place- is that this issue hasn't actually been dealt with.

I know I'm passive and tend to avoid conflict, confrontations, or causing anyone pain, but could it be that I'm unwilling even to confront myself...

Lauren- how do you feel? what do you want?

~perhaps I should move to the dark side of the moon~

I never claimed to be governed by logic

Life is full of unanswered questions. No matter how hard we may try, and how deep we may dig, some things are just not meant for us to know.

It has been for a time now that I have wondered over a question I thought unexplainable. Sure there have always been theories, but those never completely satisfied me.

The question to which I am referring is that of girls' (specifically mine) infatuation and ever present attraction to jerks.

This summer, however, after falling yet again for the jerks' charm, I believe I have gained some valuable insight (at least into my own personal struggle).

When with a guy, a girl (me) just wants to feel special. The thing about jerks is, they treat everyone like shit, so all it takes is for him to treat me just a little bit differently.

He can still treat me terribly, but if it is still of a higher standard than everyone else, then at least I am receiving special treatment.

Compare this to a nice guy- he's nice to everyone, so when he treats me the same way, how is that anything notable?

~just because I understand my weakness does not mean I can rectify it~