Games of Self Respect

(I wish I knew music... cause in my mind this was a song)

There was passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

Kiss me hard, strong and true

it could’ve been forever

but more than love got in our way

my hand was not the only thing

you needed to hold

But there was passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

Kiss me harder, strong and true

I required more than that kiss

it thrilled but did not fulfill

devotion was found only in words

but your actions screamed

But oh was there passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

Kiss me hard, Kiss me strong, Kiss me true

They’ll thought we’d work it out

find a way to see it through

as if a cat can change it’s coat

and hunt something new

Cause we had passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

Kiss me hard, strong and true

I told you how I wanted it

Gave you time to tell me too

I was sick of games of chance

I just wanted you.

A sure thing I did not find

at least not with you

your silence was the loudest of all

your answer was clear and loud

There once was passion,

strong and uncontrolled

emanating from our bodies

pulsating through a room

but now there’s no more kisses, we weren’t true

~they're on my side~

Your Love Does Not Keep Me Afloat

Your words echo in my heart
they resonate in my mind.
The voices all scream out
and pull me to the past.

I need to escape the waves
continuously lapping my heart.
They pull me under
and the tide whips me around.

I search for the land
my lighthouse to guide me back-
pull me to safety
rescue me from these waters.

The dangers draw near
an attack from all sides
as I gasp for air
I can't help but smile.

Your affections misguide me
I require more than words.
You lack devotion
you have no anchor to hold me down.

I urge you to retain your love
await one who is free to accept.
For mine has been offered
and accepted without suppression.

More than I ever received from any of you.


~board the ship and sail away~

Rollercoaster Ride

In August I resigned from my teaching position. It was nothing against the school, students, or staff. For the most part it was a very positive experience. However, it wasn't for me.
Quitting a for-sure job without having a back up was not easy. All summer I applied for positions (not that there were many to apply to) hoping and praying for something. But nothing came up.
I returned to Alberta at the end of August to move my stuff into storage, I had initially left my stuff in my house hoping something would come up and I could move it straight from one house to the next. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Instead it was a LONG 2 days of packing, driving, moving, squeezing, and cursing. But I finally got my stuff into [two] storage compartments in Edmonton.

I stuck around the area for a number of reasons. I wanted to visit my friends and Mason, I wanted to help Mason get settled into his classroom, and I wanted to be around for the slight chance I'd get an interview.

Despite Mason constantly telling to me to "be calm and patient, something is going to come up," I couldn't help but worry! Thanks to a friend of Mason's at school whom I had previously met, their principals interviewed me. It wasn't for any specific position, but they wanted to get to know me, and if a position DID come up, then they'd have someone to stick in it right away.

Well apparently I interview well, and made a good impression, for these two lovely ladies called the elementary schools in t ]he area and told them not to ignore my name and if they had a position open then to definitely meet with me.

A principal at one of the elementary schools called me (it was actually in response to a call I'd made to him when I first came to town for the initial interview) and said he didn't have any current positions, but would love to meet me and put a face to a name.
I met with him on Tuesday for a few minutes. He said there was nothing available, but there was a slim chance that a position would come up in the next few days due to numbers, and for me to keep an eye on the job postings.

Two days later (last night) he called me saying they'd decided to add another grade 4 class, would I be interested in coming in for an interview! So this morning I left Edmonton to make the 2 and a half hour drive back to the town for an interview.

At 6:30 tonight I was offered the job!

It truly astonishes me how quickly things can turn around!
Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with one of my grade partners. She will be giving me a tour and sharing some vital information. Monday I start, I get a few days to prep my room (which is currently being emptied) and on Wednesday or Thursday I get my munchkins.

It's all happening so fast! I have very little stuff here, school supplies as well as clothing (while mostly shoes...) and I have nowhere to live. These next few weeks are going to be hectic. I'm already overwhelmed and a touch emotional... Needless to say, Mason is excited for me to be here.


~Loops, dives, and big steps: all in a short amount of time~

Turning On the Waterworks

I have never been one to shed a lot of tears. Other than books and movies, few things fazed me. Now don't take this the wrong way, I cried when my grandparents died, and when me father got sick. But that was the extent of it.

This all changed about a year ago. I can't give you an exact date, but I often associate it with the start of Mason's and my relationship. Now this sounds bad, and Mason hates that I make that link, for some reason though, it just made sense. It wasn't that he was mean to me, abused me, or in anyway attempted to make me cry. It would just happen.

Tonight, after a number of defiant weeping episodes, I may have finally come up with a basis for this [emotional] madness.


When I read, or watch a movie, I get attached to the characters. There are times after a movie, that I find myself behaving like a character from it, reenacting certain scenes. And you saw from my early post how my books can take hold of my mind. It is for this reason that books and movies caused me to shed tears. To me, they weren't just a form of entertainment. I was invested in the characters, and their lives. So when one died, or had their heart broken, or some other dramatic event, I felt their pain as well.
I can be an extremely empathetic person.

Since Mason entered my life, my emotions seem to have gone haywire. Tonight, I think I have discovered the reason for this- emotional investment.
I've always been a guarded person, but he broke down my boundaries and has released the teary beast!

Thankfully, he is patient, and only teases me slightly for the seemingly pointless grounds for my tears.

~Kill the Beast! Kill the Beast!~

Need to Feel Some Movin'

I wanna feel the Earth move under my feet
move me a long way from here.
Just pick up my house, and job,
and church, and transplant me.
Either 6 hours north,
or 12 hours East.
I just want to move.


~slightly torn, and extremely out of place~

Time is Running Out

Life on a pendulum- swinging back and forth, back and forth- without an anchor (or a power switch) has its faults. Not only does dizziness ensue, but stability is none existent. Ultimately, it's a mental state more than anything else. A free falling mind-set easily swayed by winds from all directions. Even when level, my course is blurry, and body spinning, resulting in a feeble attempt at success. A path to be reached through accidents and weak excuses.

It is not what you can do to help me, but what I must do to save me.
But what is it must I do?

~Tic tock on the clock~

¡Breaking News!

That which has always been rumoured, but never experienced in my life has transpired! Up until now, when a man had been told of his woman's discontent or worry, some [false] sympathy had been expressed, and a moment or two of "transformation" unfolded.  But that was the extent of it. Recently however, after informing Mason that  I was unhappy and needed a change. I was amazed to SEE that change occur- almost instantaneously.

Now I know what you sceptics are thinking- because I use to be one, so I know how you think. But it's been nearly 2 weeks, and the alterations in behaviour have been constant throughout. It was not a one time thing, but a genuine, modification.

I am baffled, overwhelmed, and sincerely impressed. Miracles really do happen!
He continues to amaze me, and for that I am grateful. I applaud his heart, commitment, and patience (mostly in dealing with my sometimes irrational fears).

~only slightly exaggerated~

Wait At Least A Year

You put us on pause to give yourself more time. But I ask, why can't it be simultaneous? Whoever said two changes, growths, or advancements can't be accomplished together. Stability is a state of mind. It need not be financial or professional. If you are ready for the next step, than surrounding factors need not interfere. The next big adventure is waiting for you at your finger tips. Stop brushing and reach out.

 

~apparently our time lines neither align, nor intertwine~

Blinders

I read this quote and thought it was cute. And true. If guys (and girls for that matter) spent their time thinking of new ways to show their significant other that they love them, then they'll have less time thinking about non-significant others. If we stop thinking about ourselves, and what would make us 'happy' and instead thought of ways to make others happy, then I think the end result would be 2 happy people.


The quote also reminded me of a song (because ultimately, almost everything in life reminds me of a song).
So here's the song, and lyrics (because to me, that's where the meaning and value lies)

While the above song is by an Andrew Allen, I see here fit to share lyrics from a song by a Kris Allen. I don't think there is any relation.

Kris says,
"We only got 86 400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying"

~start living in love~

Stalled

My life has taken a new turn, a fast turn. The world around me is spinning and I'm excited to gain some control and see where it has taken me. It's a time in my life when change, and onward steps are vital and thrilling- and occasionally scary as hell. But this is the time for them. 

Young, strong, and enthusiastic, nothing knocks you down for long. Movement stimulates you and lulls  are unsettling. I can't help but wonder why, when the rest of my world is in constant flux leading me towards my new future- my new life- this refuses to progress. Is there something going on behind the scenes suggesting that this is only temporary and not durable enough to last into my slowly shaping future? Is it a warning sign?

I tend to lack patience when it comes to knowing what the future holds, if I have a worry or fear, waiting for the worst to come is the last thing I want to do. Just release the anchor, and let me spin. If loss is inevitable, why put it off.

~waiting on your words~

Ideas and Thinking- oh no!

http://weheartit.com

By the power invested in me by my father's title, I have thus diagnosed myself. I, Lauren, a self proclaimed reader, are suffering from ideas of grandeur. Visions of my own place, responsibility, and a real job have misguided me. In actual fact, I'm still a child! 

I am ignorant and naive of the real world. Realities like taxes, RRSPs, health benefits are mere terms to me. What is their purpose? How do I apply them? 

My understanding of the world is limited to small towns and a student's life. I had not yet cut ties with my bonds, the comfort of knowing I'm loved and cared for no matter what was my rock, the foundation on which I tread. And while I know that love changes not at this time, the attachment has been stretched to nearly unrecognizable lengths. 

Pop culture has romanticized growing up, life, and moving out. As per usual, however, country music has it right :

so here I am in my new apartment

In a big city, they just dropped me off

It's so much colder than I thought it would be

So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up

I wish I'd never grown up

Thank you Taylor for once again writing to and for me.

~sitting alone in the dark~

Of Two Minds

palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy...
[she]'s nervous, but on the surface [she] looks calm and ready...
the clock's run out, time is up...

The New Way Back

I need inspiration, not just another negotiation

  

I want to shout it out

From every rooftop sing

Let you and the world know

I want to be a 'we'

It's time to take my hand

and open our eyes to the world

there's no need to be apart

when we can be together

So brush of the world's stigma

We are bigger than that

Strength and commitment can win

Without it the world is lost

~keep dreaming princess~

To the Dried Bean Capital of the West

The world is in motion, just like me. This past week has been a whirl of changes triggered by required choices.  (I am So indecisive it's painful.)
With 2 interviews, and 2 job offers in less than a week, life suddenly seemed to be on fast forward. No time to stop and nit-pick through each scene in search of foreshadowing or signs. The conclusion was inevitable and imminent.

And now here I am, praying that it's where I'm suppose to be. Unfortunately if it is, it is over 5 hours away from some of the best friends a girl can have and her fantastic boyfriend; and over 13 hours away from her devoted family. However, I should be thankful... I could have been 8 and 25 hours away. It's all how you look at it.


~Perspective and attitude. Let those be my guide. ~

A New Not-So-Fearful Step

I find myself on a new course, one never yet sailed in my time. Fear has become a subsidiary emotion behind thrill, love, hope, and uncertainty. Time may bring about change, but for now I am governed by a new light.
I look forward to the unknown, with hands to hold and hearts to share. Such alterations, I appear barely recognizable!
There still remain issues to be patched, and ironed, but in time and with experience all will be as good as new- if not better!


~new pieces for the quilt~

the magic is gone

at least you care enough to notice
the lack of response didn't come with a cold shoulder
i still have a heart, as do you
thankfully you can partially show it
i won't pretend i didn't want it to sting
for pain only brings you to life
opening your eyes to the morrow
dismal and dark without me
suck it up, and pine
for what you lost cannot be recovered


~the grass is always greener~

Out with the Old, In with the New

Our fridge is on the verge of failure. We all know it is coming, and yet are hesitant to admit it- who knows what that may trigger! Kara called our landlord (who happens to be in Newfoundland, of course!) and informed his wife about our relationship with the fridge being on the rocks. She didn't doubt it (who didn't see this coming!).

Suggesting that we give the fridge a rest, maybe slowly ease him out of his duties, maybe move everything from the freezer into the mini-deep-freeze, in case of a complete breakdown, may do us some good.
A few days later, Mrs. Landlord called to give us the good news- she had found a replacement. Brand new and in top notch order! How could we deny such an offer!

And so, this evening, Kara and I found ourselves sorting through the fridge. Having to make decisions about what is worth keeping, and what is past it's time (literally and figuratively) was not a quick task. We came across a slew of interesting articles, a few that we had no recollection of and others we wish we had no recollection of!


While I sat on the floor, scrubbing the mess and stain (or as much as possible) from the shelves, a revelation came to me- isn't this just like life. There comes a time when certain elements of life are no longer functional and a complete revamping is required. It may not always be easy, or fun, but in the end well worth the pain.

~all that glitters is... not always gold~

Here I Am

You can only walk along the same path for so many years (19 to be exact) before you come to a fork. An inevitable reality to be certain.
From one angle I think well it is about frickin' time, i'm getting sick of the this road. The contradicting opinion realizes that along the way there have been numerous bumps, turns, and changes in landscape and terrain; there were good times, bad times, and times when what lay around the bend was indecipherable- things were rarely dull! So why must I end this journey and change courses?
I'm sure each path has much to offer, but from my standpoint, I am unsure of what those things are. Not knowing what lays ahead frightens me. I am prepared to stop here and have a picnic- holding off the decision until I have more information, or a sudden burst of inspiration. What's wrong with enjoying where I am at and making an informed decision...

~flashing arrows would be much appreciated~

I Miss You like Drama Queens and Cat Fights and Braces on Prom Night*

Last evening, on our way to our final class of our university career, Mason and I met, and quickly passed a young boy. As we passed by, he stopped and curled over, as if he were in severe pain or was going to be sick. Concerned I turned to him in preparation to offer assistance.
Upon taking a better look however, I noticed that he was caring something. A heavy something. It was a weight- it must have been at least a 25 lbs!
We left him to his workout and continued to class.

In a way we are all like that kid. We are walking around with a huge weight that slows us down, and causes pain. And to what end? Sure that boy may build some muscle if he continues this strict regime, but will it improve him as a person?
And if we continue to carry our weight around, what will we gain- callouses? bitterness? grief?

Perhaps you're head the song The Weight by The Band. The chorus goes something like this:
Take a load off Annie, take a load for free; take a load off Annie, and you can put the load right on me

It makes me wonder... who is saying this to us? Are we listening?

~it's an investment~

*Miss You Being Gone The Band Perry

A Magic Carpet Ride

I once was satisfied with 'something', because at least 'something' was better than nothing. This way I was only partially lonely, and periodically felt important. On good days I could believe that I was wanted, and someone would be there fighting for me. I thought that we were still young, and expecting anything more than that was outrageous and unreasonable. We just needed time to grow up.

Now that I have 'everything' I see that having only 'something' diminished my self worth. Who knew that there was someone out there who wanted this too, and openly acknowledged it! I now see all is better than some. To be treated like you matter all the time beats occasional value any day. And who knew there was someone who willingly put your happiness over theirs! I thought I could only find this in the fictional world!


~A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view~