A Concerned Note

The music speaks to me. There are brief moments of clarity, but in general it is a hazy voice. I know not what it tells me, and fear this. With numerous messages bearing the same theme, I search for an interpreter. I fear it is time for the truth to be revealed, whatever that may be.

A remembrance of what once was, with a hint of the now. Where is my heart focused? What does my mind see? Are they memories of the past, or desires for the future?
The passion, the value, where is it sustained? I remain fascinated, but fear why.

~Sing me the truth, so that I may know it. ~

1 Year... And Counting

It's been 1 year ago today since my boyfriend's and my first date. However, we do not consider this our anniversary. I guess it took us a few days to decide we liked each other enough to continue this.
I've never made it this long before- a year that is. Usually I get scared or bored with the boys I'm with. Maybe it helps this time that for the majority of the relationship we've lived at least 6 hours apart. Makes each time we see each other seem like a real novelty, and emotions are somewhat exaggerated. So can I say I have a realistic view and understanding of "us"?

~how'd we do it?~

Lacking pizzazz, or even just a smile

I am currently without internet and tv at my house.
Is it sad that this upsets me terribly? Have I become far to dependent on technology to entertain me and make me happy? What happened to music while cleaning, or a good book on the couch?

Oh right... my books have yet to arrive in the Dried Bean Capitol of the West. Plus I am sick of my music and have no way of purchasing more...
It might help if I had friends, or at least companions with a 1 or even 2 hour radius. But here I remain alone, with no friends- real or fake.

I don't want to say my life sucks because it could be worse. However... I'm not feeling too excited about it right now.


~just don't take my phone~

prov 3 5 6

Under a microscope nothing is perfect
Blemish and defect are inevitable
nothing is as it originally seems

Plans and purpose fall to the way side
as our tracks silently change course
unbeknownst to the distracted crew

Our plates are beyond our official 'full'
With work, and life, and new voices
at what point do we overcome all this "new"?

~lean not on your own understanding~

Ideas and Thinking- oh no!

http://weheartit.com

By the power invested in me by my father's title, I have thus diagnosed myself. I, Lauren, a self proclaimed reader, are suffering from ideas of grandeur. Visions of my own place, responsibility, and a real job have misguided me. In actual fact, I'm still a child! 

I am ignorant and naive of the real world. Realities like taxes, RRSPs, health benefits are mere terms to me. What is their purpose? How do I apply them? 

My understanding of the world is limited to small towns and a student's life. I had not yet cut ties with my bonds, the comfort of knowing I'm loved and cared for no matter what was my rock, the foundation on which I tread. And while I know that love changes not at this time, the attachment has been stretched to nearly unrecognizable lengths. 

Pop culture has romanticized growing up, life, and moving out. As per usual, however, country music has it right :

so here I am in my new apartment

In a big city, they just dropped me off

It's so much colder than I thought it would be

So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up

I wish I'd never grown up

Thank you Taylor for once again writing to and for me.

~sitting alone in the dark~

Here I Am

You can only walk along the same path for so many years (19 to be exact) before you come to a fork. An inevitable reality to be certain.
From one angle I think well it is about frickin' time, i'm getting sick of the this road. The contradicting opinion realizes that along the way there have been numerous bumps, turns, and changes in landscape and terrain; there were good times, bad times, and times when what lay around the bend was indecipherable- things were rarely dull! So why must I end this journey and change courses?
I'm sure each path has much to offer, but from my standpoint, I am unsure of what those things are. Not knowing what lays ahead frightens me. I am prepared to stop here and have a picnic- holding off the decision until I have more information, or a sudden burst of inspiration. What's wrong with enjoying where I am at and making an informed decision...

~flashing arrows would be much appreciated~

I Miss You like Drama Queens and Cat Fights and Braces on Prom Night*

Last evening, on our way to our final class of our university career, Mason and I met, and quickly passed a young boy. As we passed by, he stopped and curled over, as if he were in severe pain or was going to be sick. Concerned I turned to him in preparation to offer assistance.
Upon taking a better look however, I noticed that he was caring something. A heavy something. It was a weight- it must have been at least a 25 lbs!
We left him to his workout and continued to class.

In a way we are all like that kid. We are walking around with a huge weight that slows us down, and causes pain. And to what end? Sure that boy may build some muscle if he continues this strict regime, but will it improve him as a person?
And if we continue to carry our weight around, what will we gain- callouses? bitterness? grief?

Perhaps you're head the song The Weight by The Band. The chorus goes something like this:
Take a load off Annie, take a load for free; take a load off Annie, and you can put the load right on me

It makes me wonder... who is saying this to us? Are we listening?

~it's an investment~

*Miss You Being Gone The Band Perry

Advice?

So there is this girl... I'll call her Kenadie, who likes Mason. She texts him all the time, always wants to hangout, and now... she wants to go watch him play soccer.
Their history as acquaintances isn't long. Kenadie is friends with the girl that Mason's best friend (we'll call him Casanova) occasionally fools around with. They went on a "double date" that wasn't even a double date because Mason was dating me, and was dragged along by Casanova.

She's aware that Mason isn't available, but isn't backing down.  I don't want to be a crazy girlfriend... but is it a bad thing that this bugs me? Should I feel threatened? Do I have a right to be upset?

Mason assures me that they're just friends, and only get together periodically to "keep in touch." It's not that I don't trust Mason... It's that I don't trust Kenadie.


~Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies (Elizabeth Bowen)~

Cloud 9

Yesterday someone commented on how I was on Cloud 9. I could not disagree, lately I had been rather jubilant, and I have always liked this saying, however I must admit, I could not say I knew exactly what it meant. So, while I should have been doing 1 of my 5 assignments due next week, or working on my applications... I researched it!

And here is some of what I found.

The Meaning: In a state of blissful happiness
Origin: Apparently, whenever a phrases uses a number, then the clues to finding its derivation usually focus on that number. (who knew!)


A commonly heard explanation stems from the cloud classifications from the US weather bureau in the 1950's, which depicts "cloud 9" as the fluffy, cumulonimbus type that are considered attractive (personally my favourite are the storm clouds).
Of course there is another popular explanation that has to do with the levels of enlightenment in Buddhism.

While these hold much of the world's beliefs, neither of them seem to hold much water. Both the cloud classifications, as well as the levels of enlightenment actually have 10 levels, not 9. To single out the second last stage seems silly.
Also, 9 is apparently far from the only number that has ever been linked with clouds. There has been a Cloud 8, Cloud 7, and Cloud 39. It has only been since the 1980's or so that 'Cloud 9' has been the predominant used cloud number. Of course that may be because of the term being used in popular music.

So what have we learned... that the origin of "Cloud 9" remains a mystery. While there are speculations as to its roots, one cannot be certain.

While the origin of the saying may remain a mystery, how I got to 'Cloud 9' is clear as day.


~You're as free as a bird in flight (Cloud nine)
There's no difference between day and night (Cloud nine)
It's a world of love and harmony (Cloud nine)You're a million miles from reality ~
- The Temptations, Cloud Nine

Enlighten Me

Question... what is it with boys that make them enjoy making/watching me blush?!

It is a curse I have no control over, and often I am completely unaware that it is happening, until they so willingly point it out. A kind gesture that never fails to intensify the blush- thank you boys.
A blush is said to transpire in the face of embarrassment or shame, and so I ask, what is so delightful in that!?

If you desire to affect me so zealously, I beseech you to do so behind closed doors. Showing such intense emotion is better handled in the absence of an audience.

~red threads~

The Reason for Love

There is always some madness in love. But there is also some reason in madness ~Nietzche

There comes a time when you can give no reasonable explanation for an action, a feeling, or a belief. It is what it is and that's the truth. The whys of the matter don't seem to matter, or exist. You search deeper, trying to expose a hidden secret, to unearth a long-lost mystery many have died in attempts to discover. And yet, clueless and unreasonably rapt you remain.

Is it in the touch, the smell, the butterflies, or the familiarity. Voice, wind, breath, gaze. Is help available- is help required?
Obviously I am unaccompanied in this trance, ergo new goal. Afraid to move on, and hesitant to stay.


Because tonight will be the night that i will fall for you over again 
- Secondhand Serenade


~impossible to find~

can't go back

Naive and impressionable, i declared all. You claimed prior knowledge, but appreciated the truth. Now what of it? To what end did i envision upon my confession? To be swept up in passion, forgetting the world. Logic, propriety, and ordinance slip our minds and actions.
we wish

I want to see you, but the earth's rotation continues to pull us apart.

But you held your pride like you should have held me
- Taylor Swift, The Story of Us

the Words Speak Louder than the Music

"Now I only have myself to blame, for falling for your stupid games, I wish my life had been the way it was before I saw your face"

In the world of music, lyrics speak much meaning to me. Throughout all areas of my life I find myself associating songs to people and situations.

When it comes to boys, I have an entire soundtrack! Many of them have more than one song, "dedicated" to them (from me). Unfortunately -for them- they aren't typically happy or positive songs. Does that make me a horrible person?

It may have something to do with the fact that I tend to enjoy bitter or angry songs more than any other type. Or perhaps I enjoy angry bitter songs because of the boys...

~I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale, I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell~

Suit yourself, Tie me up

Over time I have become aware of my tendency of attraction towards a certain type of guy. I do not aim for these specific characteristics to tempt me beyond all else. In fact, these qualities are ones I have been advised to "get over" as they lead to pain and heartache. But like an avalanche racing down the hill, desire is hard to control, and nearly impossible to deny.

But, change is in the air. Whether this be permanent or not my course has shifted, even just slightly. I wonder to where I now wander. I wonder to what I aspire.
I wonder, wander, and fear. Dream, desire, and aspire.

~cover all traces~

If My Heart Had A Voice

There comes a time when you have to admit certain things- declare your baggage and open up your heart. The idea of it seems easy enough. You can rehearse in your head and with a friend. I have a tendency of writing it out (at least in point form, to make sure I have not forgotten any important details).
But when the time finally comes to share my hands get clammy, my arms are suddenly covered with goosebumps, and my stomach cramps. It is as if the very idea of opening myself up- making myself vulnerable- is horrendous, stupid, and wild.

I am told that over time, and with 'practice' such exertions become easier. Well it has been approximately 9 years that I have been working on these improvements and I have yet feel any sort of enhancement. And it most certainly is not more manageable. The very thought of still haunts my dreams as well as waking hours.

Is this really a practice that will enrich my life (and relationships)? When/if I begin to practice these actions more often, will I eventually feel as if I've accomplished something? Or will I always feel this way?


~I'm ok with faking it~

Secrets

Every girl's got one [or more]. Whether they lie in the excluded details or undivulged accounts, they reside deep within her heart.

Misty and Erin interrogate me on my secrets. Some details were shared.
Now, Misty wonders by what means these ends were reached? She desires a tutorial, of sorts, of my 'arts'. Funny, I did not know I was an artist.
I ponder on the actions which lead to the events of interest. I stumbled upon only one deliberate (or was it?) behaviour on my part- being discretely forward. Let it be known what you want, without being audacious or facile. Plant those ideas and watch them bloom, then be prepared to [thoroughly] enjoy the crop.

Ideas hold more worth when you believe they are yours. So scatter your seeds about, and keep vigil. For the time will come when those secrets will be yours to hold.


-it's like a carrot on a tall pole-

Just a Girl with Heart

"Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions"

-Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of Eat, Pray, Love)

Infamous for our emotions we crave for escape. But escape to what? A life void of sentiment... What is thinking with no feeling? For without it, thoughts lack truth and meaning. Authenticity is achieved through sentimental value.

Men criticize us, saying we lack logic; women complain that men are deficient of feeling.

What dictates truth? And where may it be encountered?

Shall I strive for freedom and change, or seek to perfect my methods?

Drive me on, compel my endeavours and inspire my thoughts.

To feel is to live. To feel pain is to love.

-I feel it all-

Over and Over Again

Have you ever been so lost?

Known the way and still so lost?

Lost- Katy Perry

Take a look around, are you where you want to be? Are you where you feel you should be? Have you strayed far from the intended path, or are you still within arms' reach?

I'm abandoned in the heart of the ocean, with nothing but water and horizon surrounding me. Somewhere in the unknown lies a floatation device once intended as my solace. Could I not catch, or the other not throw? Wherever the fault lies, it has left me fruitlessly kicking and sputtering. No sign of aid or chance for relief.

The end result inevitably lies deep within

~deep, dark, and dangerous~

Role the Dice

Since yesterday I have probably listened to Faith over a dozen times (I tend to have on obsessive personality at times...). This repetition allows for a more precise examination of the different words and ideas in the song. While there are a number of lines that ignite some sort of reaction or emotion in me, the one most deafening right now is "'cause I've got to have faith"

what is it that I should have faith in? in love itself? or in the one these feelings are directed to?

I am not a gambler- when it comes to taking risks I'm exceptionally conservative. When it comes to putting my heart on the line... I lack the faith and trust in every aspect. Though I get emotionally evolved, it is rare that I allow for anything more to happen.

A boy once told me that you have to allow yourself to fall in love. At the time I disagreed, but it didn't take him long to teach me that if I was going to survive in the world, I must have control of that- a girl can only endure so much pain.

~can one have faith in something they aren't sure exists?~

I have only a blank expression

what has been will be again,

what has been done will be done again;

there is nothing new under the sun

Ecclesiastes 1:9

I need a pillow to scream into, and a magic 8 ball- I need direction.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck on a ferris wheel as I seem to continually arrive at the same points. I'm getting frustrated having to deal with this issue again. Is this necessary? Is there not a new mountain for me to scale?

But wait, maybe my problem- why I repeatedly find myself in this place- is that this issue hasn't actually been dealt with.

I know I'm passive and tend to avoid conflict, confrontations, or causing anyone pain, but could it be that I'm unwilling even to confront myself...

Lauren- how do you feel? what do you want?

~perhaps I should move to the dark side of the moon~