i wrote this song about you

so many words, too many words. they are unable to surface. i wonder what they say, but am afraid to look. are they what i want? could they all be true?

the possibilities are endless and leave me fearful.

i can't help but wonder if it's the same for you. are there words left unsaid.

need they be said?

with these unsaid words we will build a bridge. one fortified with time and precision.

~actions speak louder than words~

7 times 7

Eric Church has this song called "Those I've Loved" and the chorus goes:

And I hope they know

I never woulda made it this far on my own
Where would we all be without those
Fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers
The friends I’ve made, the long lost lovers
I wouldn’t be who I am today
If not for those I’ve loved along the way
Along the way

Now I see great truth in this. Much of who we are today has been developed from the people and experiences of our past. While I always try to use these experiences to better myself and learn, there are certain things, or people that I would change if I could.

Does that make me a bad person?

I mean, I'm not living in constant regret, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I did things differently, or certain situation turned out differently.

Most of this is in retrospect, but even at the time I had the thoughts "why am I doing this" and now I'm just wishing I'd listened to myself.

The worst part is, that they caused pain to others... and that's my biggest regret.

~sorry isn't always enough~

a spur of the moment decision

unaware and oblivious, i forgot to consider this.

i spoke too soon, and said too much. typical girl- letting my emotions get the best of me. next time i'll keep it to myself, my lips are sealed, and my emotions under-wrap.

all you'll see, is what i allow for. weakness is a risk i can no longer take.

stand strong against the world, and by world i mean the opposite sex. their intentions are skewed, and minds distracted- living in a world of delusions. that which is relative to females, prevails concretely in the male's mind.

beware of the signs. sharp declines and avoidance of reasons point down a different path. we wonder to what end this will go, and if our minds are aligned.

so take what you can, and believe what you want. but reality does exist, and you are missing.

~no complaints~

a Haiku series

you smile at me

my insides tangle up

but i smile back

i see it in you

my smile ties you in knots too

we are both knotty

looped-up in feelings

an entanglement of two

too much to handle?

~an english lesson in counting~

echoes fade

an intended path can be unrecognizable following one wrong turn. the aspired end clear in your mind fades. the old exchanged for new.

the new, despite having ceased to exist prior to this moment, overwhelms all. now a new end. a preoccupation to heal all else, giving order and truth.

the initial goal forgotten, existing only as intended footprints.

navigational maps imparted to redirect, recalculate the wrong turn and restore to original path. yet doubt of success or truth established in earlier objective in turn allows for my recalculation.

must original plan trump the unforeseen revelation?

are not plans designed to be infringed?

the old has been examined in excess and is no longer comprised of appeal. instead it reeks of repetition.

establish a life free of echoes, but abounding in lure.

be open to change, embrace the unexpected.

~blindfold and spin me towards life~

sweeter with time

and so it goes, from nothing it spurts

a semblance of the once was blotting the pages.

i look back, and proceed forward

the fresh paths entice me

my smile widens.

life that was can stop there

so much more awaits

with time and opportunity for new

two hands grasp tight and take a chance

just wait!

memories survive only as lessons

and food for thought

as our journey wares on

side by side we strive for more

i want this.

wait, and live, and love

some dreams are meant to have

with time enough to ponder

and hold on to through twists and turns

and still endure.

hold tight long enough for it to matter

~a surprise path~

consume me

puppies are like children, you spend enormous amounts of money on the best and newest toys, when all they really need is a stick (or in the case of our puppy, a pine cone and a blowing leaf) and attention.

our world has their priorities mixed up. If we weren't always so concerned about the newest gadgets, we wouldn't have to spend most of our lives working in order to purchase them. Besides, they cost so much that even after you've bought them, you can't afford to stay at home and use them!

~it's a nasty cycle of pain~

all mine own

in all eyes your value is at odds;

a struggle for worth means little

when you lay among the mud.

so smile and cheer in attempt to rise

but your sentence lies in us

i am aware you are there

but your shine remains unseen

and i scoff at other's hunger.

in you i behold naught

and my glances pass you by

they wonder at my dispassion

presuming my hiding in fear

and turning from the truth.

but certitude rules me, while fancy you.

no value in dust i see.

~in the eyes of the beholder~

a small hole where he use to be

Erin and I are worried... we have not seen GCG in days! perhaps even a week!

The last time we had any sort of update (i use this in a very broad sense) was probably last week sometime when we were washing out dishes and noticed the desk and computer were gone! Then the next day it was in the corner right in front of the window, so instead of seeing the computer screen, we saw GCG's face. Honestly, that was more disturbing.

But since those twists of events, he (and the cats) have been MIA, and the blinds have been closed almost entirely!

Though we are thankful we no longer have to watch girl-on-girl while washing dishes, Erin and I are worried, and feel a sense of sadness for the loss of... entertainment?

Does that make us horrible people?

Will GCG get the wrong idea if Erin writes him a letter?

~wanted: a life for 2 young, easily entertained university students. apply below~

with the touch of a hand

i dare say this might label me old fashioned or traditional, but i prefer the guy to make the first move. i'll admit that at times my feelings, or hormones preside over my mind and i do or say something a bit risky, but then, in my head, i hear the voice of a black-and-white man from the 50's telling his daughter how to behave like a proper lady, and be respectable.

there is little that attracts me more to a male then his strength and willingness to take the lead and be in control. disclaimer: this does not mean that i have not been charmed by members of the opposite sex who do not possess these qualities. (double negatives, i know, bad me)

i find myself wondering sometimes, however, what exactly do i deem a 'move'. because a move for me, may not be a move for him. must he act only under my conditions in order for me to consider him? if his actions are not within my set understandings, am i going against my standards? or simply exploring outside of my box, and being adventurous...

~it may be time to get creative~

the window into a new world

i've previously told you about our neighbour, you know, the one who's computer faces our kitchen window. the one who watches porn, and even though Erin pounds on the window for him to turn it off/close his blinds, the next time (the same day in fact) the blinds are open again.

well this guy really has no shame.

he knows we can see him, yet his blinds are always open.

Over the past 2 and a half months we have seen far too many aspects of his pathetic life.

there's his World of Warcraft passion

girl-on-girl porn fetish (for breakfast...)

un-mother-approved eating habits (mhmm a 2L bottle of Pepsi and a large bag of salt n' vinegar ships sounds like a good dinner to me!!)

hand-bangin' bum shakin' awkward shifting dancing!

the most recent 'sharing' incident between his room and our kitchen was thankfully one i did not witness. instead, Erin was the fortunate observer of GCG (greasy computer guy) undressing.... (i try ever so hard not to laugh, because it truly was a painful and scarring experience for Erin).

Who knew that all that sitting at the computer, eating chips, and drinking pop wasn't good for his figure?!

however, in good news, he got a haircut, AND a new shirt!

~the life of a bachelor~

an untrue reality

i escape among my drifting notions- reveling in a world of fantasies, which defy the laws of reality.

emphasizing truth to excite my fancy.

a mere boy is transformed into a knight. an innocent smile evolves into lingering looks. a soft touch into a passionate tale. and words of affection into forever.

no way to be curtailed, this is my compulsion; my life support.

i will not falter under the world's weight.

~i imagine it will last~

the distance we covered

you fancy my eyes, laying claim of their "intensity and beauty". yet while you sit in admiration, i am lost in something deeper- adrift in wonder.

i revere your mind and each word you say, declaring their worth.

distinct from all who came before, thoughts of you excite my mind and send shivers throughout my body.

i marvel on our amends, charmed by the moment. roused from a slumber i knew not i was in.

escaped from the matrix that was, never to return.

~someone with something to say~

lesson learned

people can surprise you.

as much as i hate being judged due to reputation or hear-say, i admit i have been guilty of doing this myself from time to time.

Last night, for instance, i was guilty of this. I went into a situation thinking i knew exactly who he was, what would happen, and how i was going to feel.

instead, i was blown away.

i love being pleasantly surprised. discovering just how ignorant we can truly be.

in high school time was never given to sharing yourself, all that mattered was that you fit in somewhere. now, things have changed. some have come to truly value people- finding out other's stories, how they've grown, and changed since you last 'knew' them (though we can't ever claim to have known each other).

it's encouraging to see how life can change people for the good... for someone whom you previously deemed hopeless (not that i was in any state to lay such judgements), instead ends up being kind, sensitive, intelligent, insightful, funny... someone you are comfortable sitting and talking with into the wee hours of the morning. That even when calling it quits, you feel gypped by time. you whisper a curse to sleep and your need for it. you crave more and long for similar opportunities in the near future.

like a slap to the face, you caught my attention as few have done before. something new, unpredictable, and curiously charming.

~i look forward~

from the inside out

your smile inspires me.

like a sun ray that ripples across the room, you warm me.

it pierces the expanse like a shot

impossible to ignore

and inevitably resonates through all.

your smile revives me.

like chocolate, it cures all ails.

it alleviates a world of pains

generated by your brothers

it's unpredictable and welcome.

`he's got a smile that would light up this whole town`

you make me feel smart

"when i'm turned-on, i smell like honey" - the rather awkward looking boy said to his equally appealing friends.

i'm not an eavesdropper, though i won't deny the lack of effort used to mute surrounding conversations. my writing's professor often urged us to be open to what that world said- especially the more vapid comments, as they often lead to inspiration.

though i take great delight in the absurdities of others, i have yet to be inspired by this quote (except, of course, to laugh).

there is, however, potentiality in such a situation, and i will be sure to retain it in the banks of possibilities for future reference.

~what would you do with this?~

see through me

So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight, but I’m just surviving. I may be weak but I’m never defeated, and I’ll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining. (Kate Voegele)

Preconceived notions dictate my actions. They surmise a particular reaction, and fail to recognize my mortality. Change and weakness are intolerable. While these tests of faith appear to fail against my fortification, the foundation weakens incessantly. Secure walls and strong face account for little in reality.

That which they survey fails to divulge truth. Their rose-tinted perspectives see only that which they wish. Smiling with ease, they disregard my silent plea. Belief does not determine truth, no matter the degree.

My want disbands weightlessly in the hands of the world. Never does compassion span beyond reach, for self governs the soul, and wins. The abandoned mortal ascertains the significance of name: reside in that which they established you for. Escape is both foolish and insecure.

Within the confines of the mind your freedom prevails. They advocate liberation, but practice oppression, thwarting dreams and muting voice.

A time nears which demands conformity, casting sorrow and demise on the sagacious stranger.

No alliance, no concession: survive or reason, these are the only options. Ergo, a choice rests on the horizon. Survey each path, resolve your values, and revolt against prejudices.

Live to believe that truth conquers all

-survival of the lifeless-

speak to me

captivated by those words- words of charm and artistry. profound and mysterious, they envelop my mind, soul, and heart. i yearn for more, to feed a parched spirit, as such a stimulus transpires seldom. yet i am constrained by the unknown. the source is a rare sight, impossible to arouse, and unaltered by my endeavours.

a sultry eye perishes unobserved. an eager reach falls futilely. and collapsing alone is my arching figure. what remains?

an unprecedented insight, and immaculate tongue to which i am drawn. willing (and wanting) to accept all which is conveyed, i linger in hopes of fate taking a turn and those eyes descrying me.

such a twist has yet to materialize. and so i remain, detached from my object of admiration. dangling hopelessly.

love me or set me free

~the way to a woman's heart is in words~

Pretend Boyfriend

i've discussed before my tendency to give people (usually ones i am not personally familiar with) nicknames, ie Nocab and Coffee Guy.

Well after over a years-long recess, it's back!

It began this year, with Misty, a friend of Erin's (now, i'm happy to say, my friend too!) informing Erin that she had found "THE MAN FOR YOU".

Apparently Misty had worked at camp with him over the summer, and she discovered that he was funny, kind-hearted, dramatic... basically, the male version of Erin! And, unlike myself, who is a candidate for "opposites attract", decided this was the perfect man for Erin.

Well this guy goes to school with us as well now. We see him from time to time (one of the most memorable being when he almost hit Erin with his bike!), having never been formally introduced however, we do not speak.

Though we do speak about him.

This guy became the topic of numerous conversations between us.

Originally he was called "Erin's Pretend Boyfriend"... but this became a bit long, and when talking in front of the uninformed, and public, we received a lot of strange looks. So, i decided that it was time that "Erin's Pretend Boyfriend" got a name.

And so he was named, Mario Licci.

We (well more so Erin) felt more at ease using this name then his previous title.

Mario has become the chief character in many of our anecdotes. A few have been let in on our code, though even they have been known to get confused. One friend in particular thought that Mario was his real name- honestly, whoever insists boys are observant must be on some sort of hallucinogen !

Since then, Erin has met Mario a few times.

The most memorable of them being their first meeting!

It went something like this: Mario stopped in front of our house with his ghetto van, opened the back, and helped Erin jump into a seat-less back seat, before quickly driving off like a maniac, while Erin held on in the back, praying for her life!

He he he... a great first impression!

Though our conversations about him have transformed into somewhat less-creepy varieties, his name(s) have remained.

~the game may have changed, but the name's the same~

Breaking the Habit

you see it everywhere, girls always falling for the jerk, or the bad boy.

i'm as guilty of is as any of them. many "experts" have tried explaining or justifying this obsession, yet none have done so in a way that i can completely agree with. while i myself do not have the answer, i will not bow down to their ideologies by always reiterating their theories.

but that's just me.

a... boy i know, commented the other day about how he "doesn't understand why girls always go for the bad boys" and continued with "i guess it's true that the nice guy finishes last"

first off, if this is true, i don't think he has anything to worry about, because as much as he may believe it, i do not believe that he is one of these "good guys"

however, at the time it made me think along different lines.

is this fixation of mine going to continue forever? am i always going to fall for guys that aren't in it for the long run, but for the fleeting high. am i destined to be picking up they ever-dwindling pieces of my broken heart forever?

it's not a very promising future. but then it hit me...

girls [may] fall for jerks, but they fall in love with the nice guy

i said this to my acquaintance, i think he took it as a bit of inspiration for himself. what he didn't know is that ultimately, it was encouraging for me, and my pending future...

~there is a time for everyone to do some self-reflection~

the boy next door

a homecoming is the act of returning to something familiar.

after christmas holidays, the return to roommates, school, and unremarkable food was all too familiar and insipid for me.

this year, i was even less excited for this homecoming than usual, and rather than welcoming this all -to common life, i was repulsed. it was time for a change, something unpredictable, and intoxicating.

i had a number of possibilities in mind, yet taking steps to assure these visions was either out of my control, or far too daunting for my gutless self. so ultimately, i've made this bed i now live in.

however, there was something slightly different this time.

i walked into our kitchen and toward the sink where i planned to wash our seemingly-ever-dirty dishes, and as i squirted the biodegradable soap into the sink (despite the good intentions of its makers, it doesn't work and i do not recommend it) i looked out our window. out our window and straight into our neighbours bedroom!

i was rather shocked and confused- has this ever happened before? have i always been able to see right into this boy's (well, more like young man... though i'm not too sure how much of a "man" he is) room, and more specifically, right at his computer screen!?

i raised my questions and concerns with my roommates. Jordyn informed me that over the holidays the previous resident of this room had moved out, and this... guy was his replacement.

over the next few days we discovered a few things about our new... friend

(1) he doesn't like drawing his blinds, (2) he spends a LOT of time on his computer, (3) he really loves his cat(s) (i have yet to figure out if there is more than one or not), (4) if we knock on our window loud enough be can hear us.

no matter how insignificant and foolish this may seem to you, it gives me just the slightest bit of hope.

if the view through a meager kitchen window can so drastically change in just a few weeks, imagine the changes possible in the bigger picture!

~a new shade of grey~

A distraction is just that (the first)

So in my return post, i mentioned the minimal amount of writing i had previously been doing; there has been next to nothing. However, next to this nothing is a phrase that was used in a conversation i had, that ended up acting as my muse.

This phrase (which may have been slightly adjusted over time) was

"because a distraction is just that"

Now, i attempted a poem with this as my inspiration/starting line twice. Once over weeks of sitting in a stuffy, lonely, windowless office... (yay summer vacation) and the other while sitting through my History and Philosophy of Education class...

Neither of these settings were ideal for writing, so perhaps one day i'll try a third time, in a more encouraging environment.

For now, here is attempt number one, the office version.

because a distraction is just that (a distraction)

it does not make you forget

it is not permanent

reality continues to flicker

and will one day break through

you were on my mind is an understatement

but rather you've never been off

you reign each thought

your memory is the loudest thing i hear

wanting to escape i plunge into anything

out each night for something to do

stay up too late to fall asleep

but you're sill there

even as i lose myself in another tale

Edward continues to charm Forks

while love prevails in Darcy's eyes

and Hogwarts' safe in Harry's care

But none distracts from you

~the truth prevails~

I know what i'd like to be doing!

so, since lately i've been somewhat... preoccupied with my roommates, i will continue with one of my rants.

Jordyn has the tendency to place (completely unjustified) judgement on those around her. Due to the fact we live in the same house, and see a lot of each other, much of that judgement seems to fall upon Erin and me.

Whether it be "TV is bad for you, it'll rot your brain" (then she precedes to spend the entire day in front of the TV)

or "oh, you're watching the new The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, i only watch the old one"

And those are only a small taste of them.

On top of the judgement, she loves stupid questions.

One day, i had my hair tied back, work clothes on, rubber gloves up to my elbows and a bucket and cloth in my hand. i was bend over the shower, scrubbing, when Jordyn walks by and asks in her perfected condescending tone "what are you doing?"

In my mind flashed the words "what do you mean 'what am i doing?', what on earth does it look like i'm doing! i'm cleaning the bathroom you slob!"

Similarly, one evening as Jordyn lay sprawled out on the couch watching TV (maybe i should inform her that rots her brain), Erin came in and wiped down the coffee table.

Once again Jordyn asked in that same tone we all love "what are you doing?"

Now unfortunately i don't have the ability to read the minds of others, so i'm not entirely certain what went through Erin's mind at that moment. But i can imagine it was somewhat similar to my earlier thoughts.

~counting down the days 'till higher bills~

A Quick intro to the Roommates

So i live in a house with 3 other girls. I'll call them Erin, Morgan, and Jordyn.

Erin is an awesome girl to whom i credit for keeping me calm and sane (more about her later).

Morgan is an only child and sometimes has trouble getting along with others and dealing with things when they don't go her way, but she's learning to cope (lucky for her fiance)

and Jordyn... well lets just say, she's decided to move out (not because of anything that happened between us, but other circumstances, apparently beyond her control) and i can't help being excited and relieved despite the negative affect this will have on our bank accounts.

Now don't get me wrong, Jordyn can be a pleasant girl... but the bad outweighs the good. She is high-maintenance (though not in the way one would usually expect from a 22 year old girl), always sick and feels the need to verbalize this, and anything that is ever slightly disagreeable is the end of the world.

Oh, and did i mention she's a hypocrite. All my favourite qualities, all wrapped up in one girl.

~what happened to girls just wanted to have fun?~

through new eyes

Months have passed by seemingly unnoticed, at least unnoticed by my creative side. It's been far too long since i've written anything.

Well, that's a bit of a lie, i tried to write lyrics to a song without music (which is basically a poem). It wasn't an epic fail... i have a few pages of possibilities, but they weren't quite what i had in mind. Which just goes to remind you how different your creative juices can be from your plans. Which is the same thing as saying it's amazing how unlike your plans reality is.

Though my side of this relationship has been severely lacking in the past few months, the intake i have received from your side (aka the internet/friends/the world) has been inspiring.

I have recently (and quite by accident) found a blog of a Motley collection of photos (which is appropriately called "Motley Photos" [http://motleyphotos.blogspot.com/]) which i have been thoroughly relishing. I feel it has been stirring ideas and feelings that writing often neglects. That's not to say that my love for reading has diminished in any way.

It's more to say that there is still so much for me to learn.

~what we learn with pleasure we never forget~